I’m sharing this email I wrote to my narc father asking him to stop abusing my uncle, along with his response. Spoiler alert: it went as one would expect when …
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A Narcissist’s Response to Email Calling Out Abuse
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It's good you realize how naive, you were. The true NARC parent, has no parental love for their children , you are as anyone else to them, but due to your love for them you have longer staying power, you will except more abuse and try harder, to repair this sick relationship, if you do not need them, stay away.
For so many years we tried and tried and tried. I wish I had known at 14 and saved YEARS of futile attempts like yours.
I did see a therapist who knew EXACTLY what was going on when I was in middle school. Of course he made sure I stopped seeing her before she could do something. I feel your pain so deeply. Funny, I've been wanting to talk to my former favorite uncle for months now.
How about this golden comment/text from my enabling dad (if it was actually him, NM steals his phone sometimes): "Thank you for breaking my heart and turning my life into shit" from when I initiated NC.
Then there's the flying monkey text from my golden child brother: "You're being childish…. it's time to put your big girl pants on and suck it up. Life is short."
And it goes on and on…
I am filtering their emails now but who knows what's in that cesspool…..
Take care Rachel, hugs… I can see the hurt in your eyes 🙁
~t
Bless your heart, I would hug you if I could. You didn't deserve this, no one does. My daughter was drafting a letter to her father listing all the horrible things he's done, she still hasn't sent it, but I suggested to her tonight that it might be futile. Change your uncle's phone number and all other contact information, make no more attempts to contact your father – be rid of the evil demon. There will never be anything you can say to his father to change what he is, save yourself and your Uncle.
Lol just your intro was perfect.
that letter broke my heart…yes yes yes…i'm too wounded to even open mine right now but ugh..rage and counter attack. yes.
Two years ago I came to terms with labeling my family as Narcs. My relationship with my sister is exactly how your father and uncle are. I recently started to keep the angry irrational emails from her to learn more about this. On brave days I can go back and read one or two and find the trail where the bunny fell in the hole. Its all still so new to me. My life was a nightmare and she fueled it with gas through the years with me thinking I had done the damage. Thank you for sharing this.
Been right there…. I'm sure he didn't even finish reading your email. But now you have a very factual evidence that he is a complete asshole. Don't go back there girlfriend !…
You wrote from the heart. He does not have one.
you wrote from the heart, he cut you with few words. your goal was to communicate his goal was to cut you down
Such a great letter, but the rebel yell to a narcissist! I could change the names and send this to my ex husband, but as you know, it would fall on deaf angry ears.
When you asked your dad the rhetorical question: "How is convincing Uncle Bobby to cease contact with me going to repair our relationship?" That's very telling. You were still in the denial phase, thinking that your parents were using your uncle to suck you back into repairing the relationship, when, in reality (I'm sure you see this now), they only wanted to use your uncle to punish you. In their minds, if they could coerce Uncle Bobby into ceasing contact with you, you would be hurt.
It seems like they pass on insults to other people that were used on them at sometime in their past.
I've learned a narcissist will NEVER look at their nasty, hurtful behavior….your dad probably only read 1/3 of your letter Rachael and responded with his cut throat email. I broke contact with the narcissist that raised me, and watching video's like this truly help. Thank again for sharing…I subscribed.
I am reminded of all the times my older sister has spent so many hours trying to carefully craft an e-mail to my dad only to have him get offended anyway. I realized a few years ago that it didn't matter how careful we were in wording things to him; he would always either find a way to completely ignore our actual points or to get offended. I didn't even know what narcissism was when I realized this. But now I'm understanding why it doesn't matter. Meanwhile, my sister is still trying. (I haven't told her about my suspicions of his narcissism. I don't think she's ready for that yet. She's still trying to find every possible reason for him to have a good heart and yet still be doing these things to us.)
I am 57 and I can tell you your father will never see what he is. Projecting who he is on you. My father was a pro at that. Love you.
His intention was to drive his brother to an early grave. He succeeded.
But what was really going on between the two of them for 5 or 6 decades? What was that constant closeness about? Like "keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer".
rachel, i refused to sign a paper my x-gc sister sent me. what i got in return was accused of never liking her or my brother, my mom told her not to trust me and i was dead to her now, don't call her ever again- i refused to do what she asked, so i was kicked to the curb.
I had the same conversation with my best friend's mother, my close confidant and my therapist with regard to my Narc Abuser, and their response was So unified, like you're husband's, and thank god – cos I was so so so tempted to do it too. Without that re-enforcement I would have done it. The impulse to SOMEHOW DO SOME|THING ABOUT IT is SO great – the Ache to somehow reset the universe so – our TRUTH is given it's fair hearing – it is so Compelling. Your video proves my confidantes were right. I'm sorry you had to tread that path yourself, but glad because I have gained from your experience. And confirmed what I feared,. My best wishes m.w.,t.f.
One thing that I cannot forgive is when the narc hurts people I care about. I can deal with my own hurt, but when I see them hurt others it makes me angry enough to punch them in the face and I loathe confrontation/arguments/fights.
I know how you feel. I am a dad with a narcissistic daughter. If you ever need a step dad I am here.
Rachael: "A sane man is nowhere at all, when he enters into rivalry with amadman…." Plato…. (Save your precious energy Rachael).
much love and great letter. i wrote the same long detailed heartfelt cry out letter for change and got: " Great time to fu@k with me, i just got back from the hospital and my brother went into cardiac arrest. Her brother is healthy and the audacity to lie using her own family was incredible.. you are not alone!
you are doing such a good job with your videos, thanks a lot.I am almost 50 years old and am recovering from a narcissistic romantic (was that the case?) relationship. I only started to learn about narcissm.When you're stuck in one and another narcisstic relationship and finally figure out why they are not working out, you realize that your upbringing could be part of the reason.I always thought that the familiy I came from was disfunctional, but I didn't realize how much damage was done and that there is a name for it.I talked to lots of people about situations I experienced, but no one dropped the term "narcissim". This probably would have opend my eyes quite a bit earlier.So I find it very emportant that the Information gets out in the world.When I listen to you, a lot of my experience pop in my mind. This I would like to share with you…tube…When I told my father that I was sexually abused in my childhood his only response was to get the name of the person, because he wanted to know who destroyed HIS familiy. Not my childhood….HIS family.Such a good Dad.
Classic video Rachel,
What is most interesting are the syncopathic comments below. You have a very good and informed audience!
hugs
i hope your uncle is doing ok!
Well, narcissists are 'consistent liars'. Somebody said, what the narcissist accuses you of, they have most likely done themselves. – A way to look behind their mask.
Why do you associate with those people? What you need to do is walk the city streets (where you live) with a nice gift box and go around collecting dog crap. When the box is half full you close it and seal the box airtight. Tie a big beautiful ribbon around it and mail it to those sacks-o-shit on their birthdays or something. _______________________________________________________________________________Believe me when I tell you that it´s worth it just to see the looks on their faces and Watch them describe it to you. (You have to look shocked and outraged)
Wow! I completely understand your father's reaction! I would suggest trying to help your uncle understand what he is dealing with. Unfortunately, he may be codependent and even though a victim who deserves much better may actually be enabling a very unhealthy family dynamic. It seems to be very common and is often transgenerational. The most important thing that you can do is break the dynamic then set, maintain, and respect healthy boundaries of your own. Regardless of how crazy that it might seem, having been exposed to an unhealthy dynamic for an extended time that it is very easy to unknowingly carry into your own relationships. Unless you can erase it completely from your memory, it will always affect you in some way. That, of course, cannot be changed, yet if you are aware of it, then the cycle can be broken. You cannot change your father nor do I think you can help your uncle unless he can acknowledge the situation. My guess he is in denial :(
You take on such a wounded little girl tone in this video. Different from your other ones.
Your father read the letter and this is what he internally and mentally processed:
Dear Dad. . .some (random and unimportant) statements that you are belittling and persecuting him. . .Rachel
Narcissists don't listen to you. You think you are talking (even in person) and having a conversation with them but they don't hear you. They only hear what they are thinking because that is all that is important to them. You are not important to them even if they try to tell you that you are.
Someone with a heart would have responded back to you as a human being – with compassion for your feelings and not with anger. Narcissists have no human heart.
After much thought i sent an email to my narc brother to try to explain why I was divorced since he thought I had made a mistake ( I was told that anyway by my sister) the email was 2 pages long on pdf,, weeks later I received my reply..it read.. one word.. 'Thanks'….that was it. I put tons of solid factual reasons for the divorce and my reply was "Thanks" One word. I have never heard from him since. You would think as I am his sister he would have put more thought into that reply.. "you would think" if you ever thought.Again I am shunned out of his life and his narc wife is there to approve. I have no need for him anymore and I have moved on to the point of forgetting his face.
He reacted because it got to him! You gave him a HUGE reality check!
You obviously put a lot of thought into your letter, unfortunately, NARCS to not grieve, feel remorse or care about other people feelings. NARCS only see life through their own views and what they can get out of you. I am so sorry.
My mother is a narcissist … would love to be friends with you by facebook..I would appreciate it.
Great example of a codependent and a narcissist. He gave you nothing to mull over, He left you dazed and confused, i.e. he was supplied.
I think the demon analogy was appropriate. You have discernment; a gift from God.
next time just write : "Fuck off Good bye asshole." Seriously though, so complicated these things with parents. I only have a narcissisist brother, and am trying to subtly inform his daughters….who are Dad obsessed, but are surely wasting their time due to his narc-disorder. Thanks !
Yeah, the length of his reply was also saying "You're not worthy of more than this…this is all you get."
I had the same thing with a woman I am no longer friends with who accused me of being mean spirited for calling her out about giving a woman who was her friend magic mushrooms…knowing that she was a psych ward patient on heavy medications.
The woman had a psychotic episode in my presence and I was not trained to deal with psychosis, and when I called her out on giving this woman these drugs the next morning (after she told me about her history with being in and out of psych wards and being on meds…which she neglected to mention at the time) and went into a essay length diatribe, I was replied to with a single sentence basically telling me to back off and calling me "mean spirited".
She then defriended me and I was no longer allowed at her house. We had been friends for 9 years. I have not seen or spoken to her since then and found out that she is obsessed with speaking ill and vile things about me. It's been 8 months and she is still going on about it. Calling them out…they do no like it one bit.
No accountabily and not sorry. Typical.
Thanks for posting.
Next time listen to your husband.
You were merely an object which had gotten out of line.. was malfunctioning. There was no point in going into details. It's like when they tricked you into coming to visit your "depressed" dad, and they ignored you. They get pleasure anytime they're able to cause misery. And especially they love leaving people feeling frustrated and confused.
I could have told you , that you would have received , basically a one liner back. This is how they stay ahead and feed off your emotions by with holding anything that you might be expecting or deserving to receive back. Your left with emptiness, really their emptiness. They have to stay in control so they will not react in a human way at all.
Invalidation. Typical narc response. He knew it would sadden, anger, and frustrate the hell out of you. AND drive home the "fact" that this is all your doing and your problem. There is no discussing and therefore no reasoning with a narc. That's sometimes the hardest pill to swallow.