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“Hoovering”: Narcissist Re-idealizes Discarded Sources of Narcissistic Supply
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I have found this to be true. My narc always kept old phone numbers of ex lovers and his ex wives and girlfriends handy. He even kept in contact wirh them while he was with me. Always keeping these doors open, in case he needed to go back and regain his narcissistic supply, mostly sexual. Thank you Sam for your videos they are very enlightenimg, and help me to understand what i have dealt with for last four years.
what happens if the narcissist won't or doesn't re-idealize? they don't go back to old sources, or even think of them..im not waiting for anything like this to happen, i dont believe it will, but i found a comment on her facebook from a couple of years ago which related to her possibly being dumped by a guy, she said, "he had his chance, I dont go back, I never do" . seems very clear cut attitude.. although at the time just before our relationship ended she added a couple of ex boyfriends to her list, then another not long after.. its highly confusing, did she want something lined up, a guaranteed source?
Good advice!
I dumped him twice and he just had to get me back just to dump me. I dumped him the second time and he went public with his new supply. Afterwards he stalked me on Facebook to the point I had to delete it.
The narcissist I know "ghosted" me for 6 months one time, 18 months another and is now doing it again after having had a tantrum over something. When they did that in the past, they'd always come back around eventually but never discuss WHY they vanished. They'd simply dismiss the whole thing saying it didn't matter. OR, in one instance they said, "My mother said you're the only friend I have" and "I've known you a long time and we've been through a lot together. We have a lot of history." I know that they'll eventually try to come back around again but I've decided to go full NO CONTACT as another tantrum will erupt whether it's 5 days, 5 weeks or 5 months afterwards. Plus, who needs a psychic vampire feeding off of themselves? When all this would happen in the past- yeah- I'd be confused at first and then feel angry for awhile because of them having a tantrum and acting out but I'd simply go about my life and not contact them either as I didn't want the drama festival. When they came back, I'd let them in because I didn't want to be rude, hostile or vindictive or let the previous feelings of anger control me. I'd just "let it go." It's easy to fall into the trap of "being the bigger person about it" and the narcissist (I think) relies on that to some degree to hoover you back in. Not anymore.
when my ex narcissist found out I had a new girlfriend she started to hoover along with her family
This is what I experienced repeatedly with a woman I dated who suffered from Borderline Personality Dissorder
Sam, why isn't he hoovering??
I have a question, if family members where used by the Narc to bully me and now they want to return into my life now that the Narc has moved away, should I let them or are they still spying on me for the Narc??????????
In working with clients who have experienced narcissistic abuse, many do report that the former partner seeks them out again,even years later,,,wanting to romanticize the former times,and ingratiate themselves for a new battery charge.
Be very careful not to fall prey.
This topic is one I am covering on a new video on my own channel,Beverly Banov Brown,M.S. on my series,Narcissistic Relationships.
Thanks,Sam, for your very informative work.
Beverly Banov Brown,M.S.
So true, he did that to me every time and to his others ex- girlfriends. It was lie that he was sorry and loves, it was about narcissistic supply. He talked about his problems, about his jealousy of his friends better jobs and i was giving him company, support and I felt, my energy is gone every time. My friends said: You are not feeling good in this relationship, and we feel do not good too, you have to leave this person. Yes, he always buys gifts when he comes back, wants to do dinner or take me out on dinner or other stuff.
*selling your soul to the devil!! (Typo in previous post)
UNBELIEVABLE!! This man has the true narcissist down to an exact science!! IF you have a child with one..you're a prisoner forever!! At least until that child is 18..it's unimaginable the damage one can do to those they claim they love most..INDESCRIBABLE, TRAUMATIC & HEARTBREAKING to say the very least!! RUN DON'T WALK, NEVER TRUST OR GIVE 1 EXTRA INCH & NEVER, EVER, FOR ANY REASON, NOT EVEN YOUR CHILDREN, GO BACK!! TAKE YOUR "SELF" & YOUR IDENITY BACK FOR YOU &/or YOUR KIDS..DO NOT STAY OR YOU'VE DONE NOTHING SHORT OF SELLING YOURSELF TO THE DEVIL!!
brilliant.
So – I understand here that even if I and the my ex NPD live in different countries with the Atlantic ocean in between – and my statement I want no contact with him at all/ he is not welcome – it is possible he can show up at my doorstep again one day?
Don't be an enabler.
Wow! This has really answered some questions. Thanks.
wow…really Sam?
Hmmm. I'm friends with a narci woman on Facebook and even from a distance she managed to have soem control over me. For a while til I caught on anyway. However though no matter how many times I friended, unfriended, and friended her again EVEN while blocking or restricting her from seeing my post or comments or even calling me she was keeping tack of what I was doing or where I was.
Near killed me. I have broken the curse after 15 years.
I HOPE she tries to do it again. She damn nes
Great vid man. i split with my narc ex about 6 weeks ago. She blamed everything on me also she was wishing me dead. i have not contacted her but she has gone to mutual friends and said im a C*** a liar all these things and also shes asking what ive been up to what im doing what ive been saying. Im abit concerned now because all i keep reading is that they always come back.. she hasn't tried yet but it looks like they always do :/
Wow, great advice. I'll remain neutral & non-responsive. I'll not be the supplier anymore.
My N hounds me anyway he can when he's used up his Narcissistic Supply. It's crazy how many months can go by and then BAM here the N comes with sob stories and "I'm so sorry." I refer to the time period when my N ignores me as being suspended in time because that's how he treats me like my life stopped the day he left and it's restarting now that he's back. It's scary to know that he truly does see me as a discarded toy he can enjoy again until something new and shiny comes along.
It is uncanny how correct you are…..The niceness would only be temporary and then they will devalue you yet again
Thanks for this. I better comprehend my N-friend's behavior. She called me as a last resort, when no one else was available & I was there for her because she played the victim. I thought I was being a good friend all the while she was manipulating & deceiving me.
Maybe you all should try working on your own character flaws and try God for a change and you will not attract these types of people. Man can't solve your problems give them to Jesus he will work it out for you.
ONCE YOU DISGUARD SOMETHING IT'S NO LONGER YOURS!!
WHY CAN'T THEY UNDERSTAND THAT???? :/
This video from Sam is brilliant and hilarious, because of of its truth. This insightful video evokes images of the narcissist, using people, like Thanksgiving leftovers from the refrigerator. And while doing so, stashing a few others aside, in the freezer, to thaw out for re-using at a future date. Hilarious!
@greghiggs1 Norma Desmond in the movie Sunset Boulevard is the ultimate narcissist. Watch it again from the vantage point of NPD. Her weirdo ex-husband even knew how fragile her mental house of cards was. That was why he begged the writer to stay, to the point of keeping him prisoner.That is why he wrote the fake fan letters to her, that is why he lied to her about Mayer wanting her to be in a movie. He knew if she had a major N injury, she would lose it. Sure enough, when it happened, she did!
@greghiggs1 Another blatant example of NPD in the movie Sunset Boulevard, she just used her young writer as an extension of herself, even forcing him to dress in her ridiculous style. Plus her cast aside ex-husband that wrote her all the fake fan letters and mailed then to her, so she would have N supply?
@greghiggs1 In addition to those examples of NPD in Sunset Blvd, you don't remember when she reacted to her arrest as if she was the starring role on a film, posing for the press? You don't remember her lack of empathy for anyone in the film? You don't remember all her reactions to N injuries? I could go on.
@greghiggs1 Respectfully, the movie Sunset Boulevard is about a woman with NPD. You don't remember the 1000's of pictures of herself all over her house? Her sense of entitlement, walking into Mayer's production, demanding special treatment from security? You don't remember her constant need for N supply, forcing the young guy to watch her on her screen? Her OVERINFLATED sense of beauty and youth, but she was an old hag?
NPD's R INCAPABLE of truly Loving another person! Remember this formula, No Empathy=No Intimacy=No Love. By intimacy I don't mean sex! I mean true heart 2 heart caring and emotion. The NPD is incapable of empathy. They don't understand love. They're disconnected from their true selves,so they can't be connected to you. NPD's "Interact" with you rather than relate to you. They're like heroin because they stimulate "Love" peptides inside you. Like drugs they make you feel good but R bad 4 You!
I saw it and yes, you gave a very good reference.
1. Yes, NPD's hate everyone. They only LOVE what they can get from you. Remake Salem's Lot; Priest asks Vampire Barlow "Is there a God?" Barlow replies, "Whoever Feeds you, is your God!" 2. Yes Yes they feel good when they do destroy people because it makes them feel powerful; they simply discard you when your usefulness has ended. Like toilet tissue they've finished using. 3.Y&N You were available. 4. NPD's are incapable of true love. 5. Whatever he left behind is useless to him, just like you.
thank you so much for the help. My question is what was the motivator behind the evil? ……………1. Was it because he hates me? 2. Was it because he needs to destroy people to feel good and I was just an instrument? 3. Was it all premeditated? 4. Did he ever have any feelings for me? Love? anything? 5. Why is he afraid to come back to our home and retrieve some of his personal belongings? He says he will never step foot in this house again. Why? Guilt? Indifference? Why?
Save the REMAINING YEARS you have left! Save yourself! You have been a POW in this marriage; NOT a partner! You spent years building the strength and courage to break free and now you must run for the fence! Don't look back! Make your escape and run towards your new life! You are afraid of what's in the future! Like Yoda said, "Only what you take with you!" You have courage, wisdom, insight and your soul! That's all you need! NPD's are vampires. He can't control you so he needs NEW supply!
Sunset Blvd. is a very good character study of a Cluster B but I would classify her as an HPD (Histrionic) A good NPD old film I would select Mr. Skeffington as well as Citizen Kane. However, you're correct in your observation about actors of yesteryear focusing more on the character. The human condition is the hallmark of acting. Today's films follow formulaic scripts filled w/ explosions, loud music, nudity and other distractions. Look at Young Adult. Would you consider her to be NPD or BPD?
@greghiggs1 To see a movie exemplifying NPD throughout the film, check out the movie "Sunset Boulevard." I also would think Sam would like it. It is a perfect example of a disordered woman with NPD. It catches NPD dead on. To see what having an abusive NPD mother does to a daughter, see the movie "Now Voyager" with Betty Davis. Older Hollywood films focused more on characters than on plot and action excitement. Those films focused more on memorable characters they created, no matter how flawed.
Lucky me. I dumped him but of course he is justified in his mind to reach out to me from time to time. Forever, really?
lol! They always come back eventually. So you have to be strong for all time.YOU may have moved on, but the narcissist never changes! So you have to learn how to say no, and ENFORCE it. You have to train them to stay the hell away. In a way, the concept of this video has comedy to it. Like narcissists look at old supply as disposable AND re-usable!