Subscribe: https://www.youtube.com/c/ThriveAfterAbuse Instagram: www.Instagram.com/ThriveAfterAbuse Website: www.ThriveAfterAbuse.com In this episode …
source
How Do I Get Past Wanting Revenge on a Narcissist? Episode 49 of the “Ask a Question” Show
I used to want revenge, but I'm not an immature petty person and refuse to meet him at his level. I'll be a better person past this disaster, because I fought this battle with my own strength and he will still be a pathetic soul sucking piece of shit, so in the end I'll have more substance in my life and success vs his fake reality.
You are the best!
it is annoying when the narc has moved on with someone else while the discarded person is left traumatized & unable to trust anyone. so you are in no shape to find let alone get a date. it just seems unjust for perpetrators to be treated like kings & victims like damaged goods basically that bo one will give the time of day!
just what i needed to hear thank you
hello Dana. Are you still taking questions for this episode? I am having a hard time recovering from narcissistic abuse by my ex. I make this affirmation "it is going to be a good day today" for me to move on but I feel like I am chained to the wall, I am unable to move on. I have all the illnesses mentioned online about Narcissistic Victims Syndrome I start having bad headaches daily , pressure in my head ! and unable to move. I am trying so hard to recover but I feel I am unable to think anything but about him, him HIM and HIS ABUSE I do for counseling and therapies, but i want someone who understands my pain . I feel no one understands me and the abuse narcissist inflicts upon us. Every time I talk about it I am told I shouldn't diagnose my ex of being a narcissist and don't trust what you hear or read from the internet. I am fighting this alone.! I really need so much help. My ex friends would tell me get over it, you just allowing yourself not to recover. We cant help you if you continue to feel this way! I don't enjoy this pain , the ptsd . I seriously need help and i feel hopeless and so alone dealing with this.. PLEASE HELP. I feel like I have lost my identity . I am so trying to be that person I was before I met him, but I am so lost now and just destroyed .
it was a really good video but I have my daughter's graduation coming up how do I behave if my ex husband brings his girlfriend around how should I behave when she's not invited
I went through the revenge phase, which is actually out of character for me, but in time I got over it. I think that one of the hardest things for me to deal with was his total lack of empathy or caring for my feelings, He moved out of our bedroom & directly into his new victim's bedroom He also repeats the pattern with each new partner. He takes nothing with him, except his musical equipment, guitar etc, & his motorbike & car. That's it, no pictures, no furniture, nothing that would remind me of his past relationship. He literally starts a brand new life, as if there were no other women before the new one. Interestingly, the latest one is a Social Work with a Masters Degree. I would have expected her to know better, but I guess that just tells us how absolutely conniving & deceptive these Narc. truly are. He is 69yrs old now & we've been divorced for 10 yrs this yr. so he is with this other woman for 10yrs & I wonder if he is bored with her yet & latching onto a new one?
Man, it's videos like this that show it's not just me. I'm a calm, laid-back person, never jealous or vindictive……Until I had a fling with a girl a few months back who knew how to push all my buttons to make me jealous. The worst out of character behavior for me, though, happened when she started going cold on me. That night I went out to a bar with some friends and made it my mission to sleep with a girl. I succeeded, but it wasn't for a good time or sexual gratification, it was revenge against the narc for calling things off with me. You'd have thought we had been dating for years with how pissed I was, but I had only known her a month.
After that I went no contact……But then she began dating a close friend of mine. So these vindictive feelings boiled in me again and I made sure to just casually mention to this dude any chance I could that I was seeing a girl or I had sex, etc., since I wanted it to get back to the narc.
Contrast that to when my last long-term relationship, which was with a normal girl, ended after several years. We both agreed to the breakup, went our separate ways, and gave one another our space. She detached from my social circle and I from hers, and aside from texting a few times I haven't seen her in over a year. We both respected one another's boundaries and there was no Hoovering. As someone who's dealt with crazy girls before, this was a major relief.
Dana……what does a female do when she gets past the revenge stage, but the narcissist continues to cyber harass, and send spoofed robo calls to all phones?I commented on video #18 (chronic liars). Can you help me? Trying so hard to move on with my favorite hobby….photography. :)
put sugar in his car tank or gas tank
or if you want to keep things on the light side go to prankdial.com
it's fun you can make all the prank calls you want for a small fee and it will be totally anonymous its in Spanish too
It is so hard to go through when you socially isolated yourself and have no one to go to when you want to talk or feel alone.
I left my narc ex husband with everything after years of verbal, physical, and spiritual abuse including slander and turning a whole community against me. I left him the condo, the house and everything in it. Left him all the money and started over from scratch. God helped me and I'm fine. Meanwhile he lost everything, including his life to Cancer!!!! The universe has a way of paying people back as they say. Revenge is mine, says the Lord.
h
where can you find an in person narc support group?
I love this video. It's given me so much strength and posititivity which is exactly what I need right now. Thank you so much Dana! xx
i have really had to book mark this page xxx
I struggle with this. I'll hold my hands up and admit to it. Because if someone has really hurt me so deep, so bad – i will want my revenge, but it depends on what I'm going to do, what lengths do i go to to take it. And the thing i understand is – yes you feel better when you do something, because in your head you think, yes, that will get to them…. but, what happens when you do something and you get caught?
Or something backfires on you? Its you left with the consequences, the scars – not them!!!
Are you the one in hospital hanging on for your life, because you went and picked a fight with them – or are you the one sat in a police station with your hands cuffed to the chair facing charges and they could range from major things to petty crimes eg vandalism.
Revenge isn't like self defense and you can talk your way out of it – its more like plotting – and manipulating, thinking about it, and taking enjoyment in some one else's pain or displeasure.
Even if you are not caught – there will come a time when you are, having to pay the price, because you have decided to hand just deserts to someone, it does come to people – we think it doesn't but karma does in various ways and instead of hearing how their kids get picked on at school when they were the bullies to you….
It will be you who may loose your job, respect of family and friends and for what – for some pathetic piece of scum who did that horrible thing to you?
Then, its you left with a major scar running down your leg, or you might have had to to get sent to prison for a short period of time because of what you did – but if you think about it, they are not suffering, no they are dating someone else or they are probably thinking well she – hes an idiot – so the best way to take your revenge is to take control of your life, carry on… their cumpence will come to them… they might kick off about it when it does and think its unfair but we all reap what we sow
Hi Dana ! I watch some of your shows and I appreciate your sharing your experiences and your self analysis. I'm recovering from being literally sucked into the gravity singularity of a narcissist and I got totally blind sided. It was a lady I dated in high school that apparently has grown up to be a full blown narcissist. She is excellent at applying the "silent treatment". If you criticize her to any degree she withdraws and gives you the silent treatment. And then of course I got hurt and mad and then I'm the mean guy instantly and to blame and that cycles into more silent treatment.
The first red flag I ignored is that all of the relationships in her life that failed were because of the OTHER person. She takes absolutely no personal responsibility for the failure of any of the relationships in her life and she has this gigantic repertoire of stories about all of her ex-boyfriend's abuse, all these horror stories about them about how vile and horrible they were to her. She went on and on about the last one in her life that was 3 years ago. And now I ask myself how if the heck she could have been so incredibly crazy to stay with this guy for any amount of time if she understood even a little bit about how crazy he was … that she said he was.
The next red flag I ignored was that each time we got together and were intimate and we seemed to be having a wonderful time together it always ended up in a big fight and I could never really figure out what happened and why it happened. But of course I always ended up being the bad guy and the cause of the fight. We would drive home together without saying a word to one another, and then the next time we talked it was almost like it didn't happen … but … I was the bad guy and I had to endure the long silent treatment before I was allowed to relate to her again.
I think several times she even set me up with information she gave me, very personal information to then claim I had breached that trust. She knew just how to push my buttons to get me upset and she would do that. She was very selfish in bed now that I think about it and really, she kind of sucked in bed but she seemed to think she was the best lover in the world.
The next red flag was that she wanted to "Love" members of my family who she had either only met once or had never met. It was like she wanted to incorporate the members of my family into hers or something weird like that. And she wanted to "fix" the dysfunctional aspects of my family which is totally blown apart and has been for several decades. She hid me from her friends and forbid me to tell anybody anything about our relationship until it was "Ok to come out and tell people …" which was going to be never. And she was kind of paranoid.
There were no boundaries at all in our relationship, she confided in me early on some extremely private and personal things and incorporated me into the core of her life. And then she ejected me from all of that and moved on to another form of entertainment, one in which I am not now included. I almost think she has a bit of bipolar affect but I think it's the high she got from using me as a narcissistic source.
She's extremely intelligent and incredibly covert and overt at the same time. She is a highly skilled narcissist. This relationship went in short, powerful cycles. We seemed to fall for each other very rapidly, no boundaries were observed at all, we spent every minute of the day for several months on the phone with each other using blue tooth collars. We literally went to sleep with each other on the phone. And in hindsight it just seems like she's kind of dumped me and did it in a way that would hurt as much as possible.
She has an extremely difficult time articulating any feelings at all and I don't think she can access her feelings at all even though she claims she is a "highly sensitive person" and an empath, a gifted empath. But really what's happening is she assigned emotions to me so that she could then proceed in a relationship with me in control by invalidating the emotions I expressed saying that she "gets me". She said she wanted me in her life "forever" and that she wanted to provide me with a "safe place". And she did exactly the opposite.
I think I have been involved romantically with a narcissist before, one in particular probably for sure but this is the first time I've really been so destroyed and I think it is because this one was so incredibly smart.
And now she pretty much just ignores me. And she's got some serious issues in her life besides the narcissistic tendencies but what I really wanted to share is a poem I wrote about the stages I'm going through in healing and recovering from this. Generally I think I'm a strong person, I've been through a lot of difficulty in my life but this one really knocked me for a loop and here's the point in poetry that I just passed through and I put this insight into poetry and I want to share that with you.
Gorgeous shining sunshine basking, loving shared perihelion
Drenched and set afire, drenched and set afire.
Faster, nearer, racing, perigee eclipsed and ripping
All boundaries away. Eclipsed, joined as one.
Ecstasy exposed, floating warmly comfort proffered
A safe place forever. A family, a home.
Blind with mouth agape inspired with wonder entertained
then crushed and flung again towards apogee.
Distant cry refrains.
Thank you so much for this video. I was with a narcissist for 7 years. It took me about 5 years to begin to realize he was a narcissist. I had a life changing situation where I had to leave for 6 months. When I came back I pretty much found out that another women was pretty much living at my house. Instead of getting mad I said thank you for all you have done it made me ten times the women I was before. When I left I found myself and spent time on me and healing. When you are with a narcissist you really have no "me' time only "them" time. I lost 80 pounds and found my core value again. Today I will not allow him nor her have any control over me. I only can control me no one else can. I feel sadness for her knowing the lies she must of been told and knowing the pain she will face one day but I can only save myself no one else. I will not allow my experiences to destroy me! I have really enjoyed listening to your videos. In the end I thanked him for what he did to me because had he not brought her into my home chances are I may have been sucked into the narcissist game again. I will never go there again. I rented a storage unit and moved all my stuff out and left the house to him. The house is pretty empty since 95% of everything in the house belonged to me including the bed he took her too. Ladies don't let this take you down. I have been to hell and when I got to the gates I turned around and drove back and you can too!!!
Thank you! Amazing video! This really helped me today.
I hear you loud and clear and yes I used to be that person who bounced back with my first narristic relationship. my question is how do we ever get over move on with lives use positively to get revenge on the narristic ex if like my ex gave me a STD? I have a permanent reminder of him every day of my life 🙁 he has taken away my ever having a normal relationship ever again. I still have thoughts on how I can ruine him I also think that I in some way have a duty to inform other women of his sexual virus. Please do you have any thoughts on my dilemma? ?
I wish I was dead some day's.
Joseph Campbell's advice to the world was, "follow your bliss."
Thanks as ever Dana ❤️
Been in NC since 6th May, spent most of May and June bed bound falling into depression and grief, unable to take care of myself properly..even brushing my teeth was exhausting. Gradually end of July, I started basic body weight exercises…say around 3 squats, then being exhausted, going back to bed again. Grateful for this channel, the FB group, the mental healthcare teams, my family and friends. "Accidentally" became vegan (dairy and egg intolerance), meat being expensive. By Aug/Sept, introduced weights into the compound exercise programme: squats, deadlifts etc. The narc ex body shamed me towards the end. Also joined a spiritual devpt class, which has helped healing. Insomnia, night terrors, flashbacks, grief episodes still occur. Though the spiritual health, physical strength building and plant based nutrition has helped me have energy to spend time with family, friends and start to feel human again. Healing takes as long as it takes, so thanks again Dana x
Thank you Dana, sometimes we need a jump start!
I am a strong independent woman and that will never be taken away.
The cutting down of caffeine almost to none has helped tremendously to overcome anxiety.
Also, sometimes it's ok for just a bit to sit with your feelings and don't try to fight it it does get better.
I wanted revenge, instead I just ignored him. Best thing you can do, believe me, they mess their lives up allll on their own