If He (or she) is a Narcissist, then Why Aren’t They Hoovering Me?

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45 thoughts on “If He (or she) is a Narcissist, then Why Aren’t They Hoovering Me?

  1. How did you meet jack and Steve?

  2. OMG 2:172:28. You are in my head and what I am thinking

  3. Thank you so much for your kind honesty and sincerity. I was raised by a narcissist mother and then married a covert narcissist woman. We have four children together. When our youngest child was just a little over a year old she suddenly left me for a co-worker. She's been with the co-worker for two years now. She has not attempted hoovering at all yet. I really appreciate your words in the last minute of the video. You are so right that it takes time for the heart and head to align after suffering at the hands of these people. As a result of discard out of the blue I sought help and discovered that my mother is narcissist and that I was an easy mark for my narcissistic wife. It's quite a blow and whammy to realize that the women who claimed to love you so much, and like no other ever would, really never loved you at all. I was institutionalized from birth to placate a narcissistic mother and so I fell hook-line-and-sinker for a beautiful covert narcissistic woman. If you find yourself standing alone on the devastated wasteland of your life, please be kind and gentle with yourself. Always remember- you were targeted because you ARE special, you ARE beautiful, and that you ARE capable and willingly to experience true love and emotion.

  4. PLEASE listen to Dana's advice and do not try to one-up these insane persons. Nothing in the way they see humanity is using the values you have. An N I knew will die in prison for what he did; a family member of mine suicided over another one. You have won when you get away; your true revenge is when you are living your best life.

  5. Thanks Dana you are helping me so much

  6. ive blocked and deleted him. I never want him near me again. the only thing that is breaking my heart is he's 2 children. for the time I was with him he palmed them off on me. I did everything for them. they didn't want to know him all they ever did was call for me. they wanted me to put them to bed. I cooked, bought there cloths, took them to school, had them through all the school hols. I adored them and they adored me. its was he's 5 year old daughter that told me about the other women he would have in there home when they where there. she would beg me to never leave her. she made me promise her that I would be there forever. I took them doctors I took them for hair cuts. its been 4 weeks and I know he is already seeing someone else. I don't give a damn about him I'm just concerned about the kids. miss them so much. he was awful to he's daughter I witnessed him badly hit hurt he disrespected he's mum. he was was just damn awful with women full stop. I was a purpose a baby sitter. a maid. I caught him on porn dating websites. I ask to look at he's phone etc he would have none of it! he said I was a crazy insecure but job. he did all this whilst I was dealing with my mum who is seriously I'll…he is cruel and evil. a victim like you would never believe.. he was sick I just feel for the kids.

  7. the thing that gives me hope to move on, is that is better that it happened now. I've always wanted to dedicate time and energy to personal development. Now is the time. And also, this would've happened for sure later in our relationship, maybe when we would've been married, have children who knows. I mean the end would be the same. Maybe painfull with time. So is good it happened now.

  8. my ex is 100 % a narcissist. that really explains all this relationship and this confussion that I was in. I cannot even think of what he was hidding from me, cause we live 3 hours distance apart. I mean, all the red flags, hoovering, grand finale, didn t see it comming, lots and lots of signs. And I don't want to believe that he was a narcissist, become I thought so greatly of him, he seemed so perfect, I mean…but he totally is. And I still miss him. The part that freeks me out the most is that I lived a lie for a year and a half, and even though I knew it wasn t already something, I could not break it. It freaks me out that I'm living a lie, that I'm so attracted to narcissist, that I cannot see clearly. Other people seem to see clearly through narcissist, I don't..

  9. wish you had been on YouTube around ten years ago. I couldn't decide whether my N3 was NPD or not because… whenever he stopped hoovering I thought he wasn't NPD. it took two years for me to finally listen to my gut and walk. fast forward 8 yes eight years and… three weeks ago I get a text out of the blue. very fake- humble, apologising for contacting me so late (as if he had an arrangement to call me earlier lol) saying he needed some advice. Which to be honest I would have found very seductive eight years ago because of that low self esteem but not now!
    good luck to other viewers. seriously narcs are humsn leeches… sad.

  10. Yeah, I would NEVER say to mine what you did. I don't need to either…he saw me out having an absolute ball with a guy I went on a date with that day a few weeks ago. He tried to dance next to me and I grabbed my bag and turned without looking at him and went and found my date and his friends, and he left after that. But he IS capable of anything, and very dangerous. He's hurt a lot of women, physically, emotionally and mentally. I feel like in many ways I actually discarded him, when he was expecting me to come running back to him, like all his exes had done and he was used to that pattern. I've studied narcissism for years and lived with a father who was like this so I worked out very early on what their game was and got into their heads, and I know how to not give them what they want…though I do sometimes have trouble not reacting to his bait and provocations. I'm human.
    You're right though, about allowing the heart to catch up with the mind. It can feel so fucked up because you know what a turd they are and still miss them. That's just wrong, but the heart doesn't know these things…it just knows how it feels and oxytocin is the most dangerous chemical in the world. Thank goodness I've been coming out of this phase lately. It was going on for weeks…one day missing him and the next back to writing him off as a piece of shit, and the next day missing him and moping…but not unblocking which is the most important thing.

  11. My ex-NP is in another country and after 2 of years of not talking, offered to send me gifts and plane tickets. Um, no thanks…

  12. you borrowed a man that much money? praying for you sister, love yourself. fyi your videos are not informative they are just YOU venting and rambling. this video spells self- victminzation.

  13. how many narcissist men have u dated? every man that CHEATS on you is NOT a narcissist. Please stop throwing around pyschological terms.
    you met cheaters and liars… ughh wow

  14. It has been three months since I dumped him and NC. My heart still aches. It takes energy every day not to call him. I hate knowing that he is with other women. My head gets it but my heart doesn't.

  15. I married a Chinese female narcissist with a son. I will never marry again. I was completely destroyed by this woman. They are demons from hell. These are not people. They are soulless evil machines. It was so perfect for two years. But as soon as she got her a green card, it was over. Kalamazoo i s a sanctuary city. My own government helped her instead of me. These people are insane. But the laws in this country is more insane. You are fortunate you are a woman. A man has no hope. MGTOW.

  16. Dana, I have felt I made a mistake too and maybe it's me and he's not an N or P. Apparently he had been seeing someone since after he had been here and telling me he loved me (not wanting to work it out) after our divorce last of October. I saw he and his new girlfriend were talking about what examples for God they were going to be since God had put them together. I do not understand why I can't get over this. I miss him, I feel so hurt, betrayed–not only by him but his whole family. I do not contact them or him. But how do I know if it was me–are there not any answers? I don't think it matters anyway, the outcome is still the same.

  17. I've been divorced for many years. He still tries to hoover me.
    He dumped me when we were married and I was expecting my first child.
    He married that woman and cheated on her too.

  18. hey dana i stumbled across the channel i guess i really wanna say thinks i always said that my ex and also the father of my 10 months old baby is a narcissist but i didnt know what kind hes def. a covert but i still love him im not quite sure how to stop especially because i cant really not talk to him ..however before the child he did everything you said the love bonb the discard everything …i guess my question is how do i stop loving him

  19. hey dana i stumbled across the channel i guess i really wanna say thinks i always said that my ex and also the father of my 10 months old baby is a narcissist but i didnt know what kind hes def. a covert but i still love him im not quite sure how to stop especially because i cant really not talk to him ..however before the child he did everything you said the love bonb the discard everything …i guess my question is how do i stop loving him

  20. hey dana i stumbled across the channel i guess i really wanna say thinks i always said that my ex and also the father of my 10 months old baby is a narcissist but i didnt know what kind hes def. a covert but i still love him im not quite sure how to stop especially because i cant really not talk to him ..however before the child he did everything you said the love bonb the discard everything …i guess my question is how do i stop loving him

  21. I am confused was I hoovered, I was in the last days of my 30 days of not contact, it was her who said she was not going to contact me much at all. Her birthday was the first and I did nothing but she was on her 6 days of Facebook status updates, when she never use to do that before. I got to me she was bragging a lot about the things she could do, so I commented on one of her pictures and like two as well. After that she restricted me from seeing her page, but her campaign stopped as well. So I deactivated my account and have not gone back on it, she has my number and my email in her messaging of Facebook.

  22. sounds like you're describing a sociopath, not just a narcissist.

  23. why does he even talk to me? he's gorgeous.has many after him.i feel like im losing my mind..really…i love him..his moods are changing alot..we live two hours apart.i just dont know how to let go…

  24. I just want to let you know that your videos has helped me alot and I have so many questions I would like to ask you because no one in my family understand what I went through with my narcissistic ex and we have broken up fairly recently but I wanted to ask you this always happen hi lined up when they leave? because my ex mark has no obvious source of supply there is no posting on Facebook or any other social media is in fact he's actually blocked me from everything and has truly made me feel like I'm the crazy one like I called all of this but deep down I know I didn't. so if there's no new source of supply then how can I be a hundred percent sure he's a narcissist I know that our mutual friends have a hard time believing him that I am this horrible crazy insane person and it seems like his fans as I like the columns are not backing him up right now so I watched him go and find new people but no one is really feeding his ego as far as I can tell and he has threatened me several times saying that if I don't stop telling people what really went on in that I'll be sorry. I'm just scared and I need someone to talk to I don't know if I need to move if I need to worry about him hoovering if I need to worry about any more flying monkeys I'm just very scared for me and for my special needs child please help!

  25. Thank you for this Dana! I appreciate what you're doing here and on FB.
    My ex was a covert narc also. She tried hoovering me the two months that followed our breakup. To counter this I ignored her text and thought that was enough. She then had her friends texting me and when she didn't get the reaction or response she wanted she had others reaching out to me. I had to change my cell number I'd had for over 10 years.

  26. God, loved your video! Just got dumped by an abusive narcissist on my birthday, and trying to get over the whole rollercoaster relationship. Everytime I get a text message, I'm afraid it might be him! It was obvious he didn't want me anymore, but it seems he cannot let me go 100% for some reason. He loves me, he hates me, he wants me out, he wants me back, cannot take this anymore! Driving me crazy! Always blaming me for everything because he's perfect of course. I will watch all your videos!

  27. Wow!   Dana this helped me so much!   I just finally ended a relationship with a very covert narcissist.  The great thing is I'm free.  The scary thing is that I probably won't ever know who the hell he was, what he was up to, or what he may be capable of.  What delayed the finale was that we met in early recovery from alcohol (a huge no no) and had 2 seemingly normal years together.  Fast forward through an entire year of relapse/cheating/job loss where I stood by him. I thought his problem was just addiction, but I'm convinced he has some degree of narcissism. When the other woman quickly saw his game, he "hoovered" me.  We signed another lease together which in my gut was a bad move and finances were to be 50/50.  All though he worked full time and hadn't drank, he never had any money and the last straw was when he actually blatantly stole money from my savings account.  He completely denied it until I told him he would have to leave/move with or without a police officer present  He finally confessed and said he had a "gambling/coke" problem all of the sudden. That just didn't match up and now, anything is possible, including another female.  The moral of the story is I sifted through the messy nature of addiction and see his behavior with a new set of eyes regarding narcissism.  He used his anxiety/depression as a method for making me feel sorry for him.  He completely used me, period!  Even though he screwed me financially again, I did have enough sense to prepare myself with a little nest-egg and I kicked his ass out for good.  I wouldn't have changed anything about this experience, because I learned so much.  I educated myself until my brain did catch up with my heart and finally, the moment came, when I had to end the insanity.  As I gain more steam in recovery myself, I get a clearer understanding of codependency, abandonment, manipulation, and all that good stuff.  Thank you.

  28. Hi Dana I am in so much pain at times, I have gone no contact and have not answered any of his texts, it's so hard but you have been such an inspiration , I too am a psych nurse and should have known better right ? However maybe that's why I entertained him ! I am am trying to put my life back together and I can honestley say that in many ways he did me a favour and made me look at my shitty existance. I was in a bad place when we got together and made bad decisions ,thank you for all you'r good work xx

  29. perpetual victim-hood is just as bad as narcissism in fact its a form of narcissism,,,,you guys have objectified the narcissistic forgetting he is a human being and you have made him into a monster that you can sit around and kick and complain about ,,,this allows you to feel superior ,,,like the good one ,,the victim,,,all the while you demonize someone else as the bad guy,,,look,,,narcissists are people with problems,,,they know what they are and their former partners know all about them too,,,frequently the so called victim is hanging onto the narcissist too because she gets just as much narcissistic supply from him,,,she gets money and attention and good sex and high priced dinners from him,,,she gets to brag about him and his accomplishments and she gets to complain about how put upon she is ,,,its a two way street,,,there are plenty of whining women who love to play the victim,,,,they love to complain and whine about how bad their ex has done them but all the while they are contacting him looking for a few bucks, a ride, help with their car, they need their dryer fixed, their computer is broken and its all just an excuse to get some attention from their sex maniac narcissist ex who they dream about every night and love to hate on youtube,,,narcissists are always good for a few bucks you have to admit lol they are generous,,,its nice to have one around at least for that

  30. SMH first of all thank you for the video 🙂 I can't believe I fell for it again. the father of my child is a narcissist I did all the studying I could on narcissism and took all the necessary steps to get over it here it is 5 years later and I just realized I got out of a relationship with a covert narcissist. WTF! Smh well now I know why he reminded me of my child's father so much lol

  31. It's weird that I'm not the only one that attracted more than one. I joke that my 1st husband left tracing venom in my system so that other Narcissists could find me. I'm not that person anymore but I hope your videos find men and women before this happens to them and TY for sharing. :)

  32. Yeah…I too second guessed myself.They are so good at their lies and deception! Creepy. I didn't seeing my covert narcissist ex or talk to him for 6 months to work on myself and figure all this out after he left me out to dry. Then I got sidetracked I was thinking I was the one to make amends and I tried to get back with him because something about the bloody way he made pancakes with blueberries was the last memory and it was same time last year.. He said 'NO' thank god. I realize this happened because he had been telling lies and stabbing me in the back and didn't want to get discovered. I later found out the real truth after I got back into a place where we have mutual friends. Yeah…hypersexual he is and most likely to get an STD. He is with vulnerable desperate types…kind of how I was after I lost a very close family member. But I spoke to a woman who was kind of in the same situation and that is when he was preying on her too. Jesus…this asshole looks so harmless he triggered some time of maternal instinct which is clearly not normal. So I am educating myself to avoid that type of psychic vampire. It didn't help that he was jealous of me for being a girl LOL…wow. I am usually a confident person but he made me into a wreck and he had specific crazy making types of behavior that I was able to recognize in hindsight. This has been very eye opening even a year later. Thanks for sharing, Dana!

  33. so just thinking out loud, because I found out she has been emotionally abused since day one, a story I'll share on your forum soon. Anyways, so let's play devil's advocate and say that she (or he) perhaps isn't a narcissist after all, they just needed to have their emotional needs met, I'm not saying cheating is the right answer, however, what explains her/their actions, leaving after she got caught but not hoovering? thanks for your time as always!

  34. I think you delt with 2 psychopaths, not just narcissists. I have dated both types and I recognize the traits. IMHO.

  35. My x is diagnosed with personality disorders.  I ended the relationship about 2 weeks back and going no contact but today I phoned him to see if he'd pick up left a message saying seeing if you would pick up that's it bye. Think I just wanted  hurt him back.  He now just called me back well typing this. asked him how he was doing & if he has another to feed off his respond was if that's what your calling me about I don't want to talk & hung up the phone. crazy eh? of me I know. Before when  realizing whom I was dealing with started  going gray rock while still in the relationship. I have major depression, we both go to the same mental health club so now I am isolating  There is a woman drop in center I can go to but don't  have get up & go. Watching lots of vidoe's trying to learn & stand my ground am a mess

  36. Seven years later…

  37. Hi Dana, your video is helping me a lot! My narc has not hoovered me since he decided to leave (again). I feel free and so relieved. I don't think he'll ever be back since I found out his real nature and damage control is no longer possible.More power to you, God Bless!!

  38. I heard Sociopaths and narcissists are usually the best in bed?

  39. I remember one of his hoovers – the first one he made an effort on, after my first attempt at No Contact – after a month he called me. He said he was having a breakdown and was feeling suicidal, could he see me? Well. A month before, in despair, missing him so much, I called and begged him for help, because I felt so unhappy. He told me to call a helpline. 

    One of the many occasions when I wish I could turn back time and tell him directly where to go!

  40. Dana,
    Thank you for these videos, very helpful.  Touched on so many things…I met a Marine Officer, on a business trip, was love bombed and fell for it fast.  I am a successful business woman and he was a three time married, high school drop out who got a girl pregnant in HS and married her.  I knew from the beginning the no relationship with the ex, kids and lied about being married and going through Divorce when I met him…was an issue and I found a way to see beyond it "we have a connection" it is text book to everything you have shared.  Lied about being in rehab (twice) was flirting with other women while we were long distance and then he up and decided to retire and move in and start a new life that is totally aligned with mine….started AA didn't stay sober…lived in the moment..owes me money..just enough for me to fake being nice (and try to get some answers).  Lived here Dec-April and then one day just decided to leave when I pushed him to contribute, since he no longer wanted to look for a professional career and decided to drive Uber and mow lawns…buy $1,000 bikes and baseball cards all day on ebay.  When he realized that I was no longer going to be his supply he left.  Got him out in a week, he asked for a month – zero empathy as I cried like a wounded cat for they first couple of days.  Didn't go no contact successfully….but that was ok because I got to see more of the signs and behavior..immediately chasing other women, asking them to commit (more then one at a time) while saying to me I was his true love…promises to send $ each month till paid off and nothing.  After a really weird incident in July where he said he was "coming home to Chicago" but couldn't talk about details that night because he had a "date" and had to honor his commitment to a woman he met in a bar and did not know her last name…indifference finally kicked in.  He called the next day to apologize and the indifference was so clear, that I think I have protected from any future hoovering.  I think reinforcing how really smart women who have had other great loves, can easily fall in this trap – especially if you have been single a while.  What may make a great post is – BECAUSE you were a smart, sane and independent woman you are ok…dare I say winning…because you figured it out and they sadly will just wash and repeat the behaviors that have made them so unfulfilled their entire lives.
    Thank you again, great stuff and reinforces everything I experienced.

  41. +Narcissist Support You're doing such a great and valuable work helping so many people to heal!! I really wish you from the bottom of my heart that you find true peace and happiness, a fulfilling marriage and life in general because you really deserve it!! You are a beautiful person from the inside and outside! thank you so much for your help!

  42. You have saved my life.  I can't say it any more succinctly. My question – aren't you afraid that your past narcissists, J and S, will come after you or lash out at you if they ever see this?  Even if they bring you to your knees legally, they'll enjoy it.

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