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26 thoughts on “Narcissists and Common Hoovering Techniques

  1. Dana, after 2 years no sex, being totally non-reactive to whatever he says or does to me(grey rock), and being 98% no contact with him(2% I have to be because of our children and grandchildren), He felt that he had to tell me about 2 erotic dreams of me, he says, 2 nights in a row. Ach! I suspect hoovering, so, I did not look at his face as he told me this-completely non-reactive . Did not respond. It was definitely about sex(control) because in a 30 yr. marriage?? the only time he told me that he loved me was 2 times and during sex. Helen

  2. I've just come on here for some validation. I went no contact for a few month after being dumped, the guy was a covert narc, now I've fallen twice for the hoovering technique. Got all the lovey dovey treatment, stated 2nd guessing myself, but this has just confirmed it's hoovering…there is no future being spoken of…just a continual source being sought from me. Thanks for the video… I need to go no contact once and for all.

  3. I'm so confused right now…I'm sure I had a relationship with a narcissist because he fits in every bullet points about this subject…but I dumped him and I'm doing no contact its been almost 20 days and he never try to contact me after this…he just disappeared…I said to him if he try to reach me, that I would call the police, and even I called him narcissist and monster. Do you think it's because I showed him that I found out his "secret"? I don't know what to think…

  4. what do you do if they show up at your apartment and try to intercept you after you get out of your car? yes that just happened!!! I told him to get away from me and that I'd call 911, it worked this time.

  5. Get out and never ever ever ever marry a narcissist

  6. Shes on it.. True story lol. love and light people.x

  7. Wow then I've met many ppl like this, mostly men. The whole "I've just screwed you over but hey what's up?". I started to think maybe it's just me n that I should just get over it cause that's my dad n sister r like.. so if I made a mistake with someone or embarrassed myself somehow I'd contact them again n pretend I was carefree cause that's what some other ppl had done to me.. This is a few times n pretend like nothing happened lol.. cause i thought that's what all ppl are like and it was just me that was different. I only did a few times.. but it's very confusing when you don't have a normal foundation to go off. I've seen "normal" or "healthy" from visiting other family homes n thankfully being exposed to some healthier more loving accepting environments but I always felt like there's something wrong with me n I'm too sensitive because I'd get teased by my family for it n my dad would speak poorly of me to my siblings encouraged them to do the same.. my brother as a kid would come home n tell me some of the things dad said about me n my sister didn't flinch when i told her recently i remembered this because she's my dad's fav n has that side to her she can stab you in the front even n act like you're to blame n what's the prob? My nan told me that my dad thought i cried too much as a little kid so he and my mum would ignore me or laugh it off.. I distinctly remember my mum encouraging my brother (younger than me) to laugh at me when I was crying I don't think she would've done that if it wasn't for my dad. He made an environment where it was okay for everyone to pick on me.. it didn't affect my whole childhood but with the other stuff that happened.. i could never talk to him or my mum.. All i had was my nan n she could be quiet narccy but at least she was attentive.. for example.. if we needed some basic things.. n actually said nice things so much it was embarrassing.. taught me stuff n genuinely enjoyed spending time with my siblings and i.. my parents never did that.. my dad tried once to help me as a kid with something but i think differently to him and i think he just wrote me off straight away.. he's an engineer n I'm artistic kind so polar opposites. I remember my dad saying my recent grandad wasn't loving at all.. n when I explain to them why maybe he was cold (drunk n violent father.. He doesn't really talk about it with me.. I'm not making excuses for my grandad but nobody seems to want to talk about why things are the way they are or talk at all.. everything should just be swept up uber the carpet n arguments continued for life.. n suddenly when somebody dies ppl pretend they care for one another but still act childish. I really don't get my father's side of the family at all.. They're all so stubborn, ignorant arrogant.. not all of them arrogant but stubborn should be our last name. Both my aunty n uncle don't want anything to do with my dad or their parents.. and I've never bn able to talk to them to make sense of things or even know what they're like and feel a sense of family with them n put together family history etc. It's a fucked up family n with a recent death n how everybody behaved I cbf anymore… history will just kp repeating itself. I don't want to totally give up.. like my brother but I want what he has, he's found happiness with a partner n her family n they're screwed up too but don't seem as stubborn. The way my dad speaks about my brothers partner.. Some of it I can see n she did behave very narcissistically herself n doing psychology it's a definite conflict of interest because I'm certain she used it but in person she's really lovely.. n doesn't seem manipulative. she's very easy to get along with actually. she's not this devil person my dad makes her out to be. My dad's a mess.. I want a relationship with him.. I had to let go of a lot of anger.. I can see he's depressed.. I want to be there n have whatever he has with my sister but also kp distance n not be affected or care what he thinks of me. I wanna prove to him I'm better than he thinks… I wanted to leave the country n get a job.. Everybody freaked.. my sisters moved for few months to study.. my dad was happy for her. When i told my dad i wad thinking of doing science at uni he said he didn't think i should do that n i should be a carer like his gf from China who doesn't have much choice. i mean no harm against carers n we should all be very grateful but if i were to do well i think it'd prove him wrong n he likes me being where i am strangely enough. whenever he tries to say something encouraging I can see it's my nan who's spoke with him cause that's not him normally. The last time he said such things i was a kid. he's not one to say or look for good things in ppl but he'll have a hundred bad things to say about anybody any given time.

  8. Wow then I've met many ppl like this, mostly men. The whole "I've just screwed you over but hey what's up?". I started to think maybe it's just me n that I should just get over it cause that's my dad n sister r like.. so if I made a mistake with someone or embarrassed myself somehow I'd contact them again n pretend I was carefree cause that's what some other ppl had done to me.. This is a few times n pretend like nothing happened lol.. cause i thought that's what all ppl are like and it was just me that was different. I only did a few times.. but it's very confusing when you don't have a normal foundation to go off. I've seen "normal" or "healthy" from visiting other family homes n thankfully being exposed to some healthier more loving accepting environments but I always felt like there's something wrong with me n I'm too sensitive because I'd get teased by my family for it n my dad would speak poorly of me to my siblings encouraged them to do the same.. my brother as a kid would come home n tell me some of the things dad said about me n my sister didn't flinch when i told her recently i remembered this because she's my dad's fav n has that side to her she can stab you in the front even n act like you're to blame n what's the prob? My nan told me that my dad thought i cried too much as a little kid so he and my mum would ignore me or laugh it off.. I distinctly remember my mum encouraging my brother (younger than me) to laugh at me when I was crying I don't think she would've done that if it wasn't for my dad. He made an environment where it was okay for everyone to pick on me.. it didn't affect my whole childhood but with the other stuff that happened.. i could never talk to him or my mum.. All i had was my nan n she could be quiet narccy but at least she was attentive.. for example.. if we needed some basic things.. n actually said nice things so much it was embarrassing.. taught me stuff n genuinely enjoyed spending time with my siblings and i.. my parents never did that.. my dad tried once to help me as a kid with something but i think differently to him and i think he just wrote me off straight away.. he's an engineer n I'm artistic kind so polar opposites. I remember my dad saying my recent grandad wasn't loving at all.. n when I explain to them why maybe he was cold (drunk n violent father.. He doesn't really talk about it with me.. I'm not making excuses for my grandad but nobody seems to want to talk about why things are the way they are or talk at all.. everything should just be swept up uber the carpet n arguments continued for life.. n suddenly when somebody dies ppl pretend they care for one another but still act childish. I really don't get my father's side of the family at all.. They're all so stubborn, ignorant arrogant.. not all of them arrogant but stubborn should be our last name. Both my aunty n uncle don't want anything to do with my dad or their parents.. and I've never bn able to talk to them to make sense of things or even know what they're like and feel a sense of family with them n put together family history etc. It's a fucked up family n with a recent death n how everybody behaved I cbf anymore… history will just kp repeating itself. I don't want to totally give up.. like my brother but I want what he has, he's found happiness with a partner n her family n they're screwed up too but don't seem as stubborn. The way my dad speaks about my brothers partner.. Some of it I can see n she did behave very narcissistically herself n doing psychology it's a definite conflict of interest because I'm certain she used it but in person she's really lovely.. n doesn't seem manipulative. she's very easy to get along with actually. she's not this devil person my dad makes her out to be. My dad's a mess.. I want a relationship with him.. I had to let go of a lot of anger.. I can see he's depressed.. I want to be there n have whatever he has with my sister but also kp distance n not be affected or care what he thinks of me. I wanna prove to him I'm better than he thinks… I wanted to leave the country n get a job.. Everybody freaked.. my sisters moved for few months to study.. my dad was happy for her. When i told my dad i wad thinking of doing science at uni he said he didn't think i should do that n i should be a carer like his gf from China who doesn't have much choice. i mean no harm against carers n we should all be very grateful but if i were to do well i think it'd prove him wrong n he likes me being where i am strangely enough. whenever he tries to say something encouraging I can see it's my nan who's spoke with him cause that's not him normally. The last time he said such things i was a kid. he's not one to say or look for good things in ppl but he'll have a hundred bad things to say about anybody any given time.

  9. Wow then I've met many ppl like this, mostly men. The whole "I've just screwed you over but hey what's up?". I started to think maybe it's just me n that I should just get over it cause that's my dad n sister r like.. so if I made a mistake with someone or embarrassed myself somehow I'd contact them again n pretend I was carefree cause that's what some other ppl had done to me.. This is a few times n pretend like nothing happened lol.. cause i thought that's what all ppl are like and it was just me that was different. I only did a few times.. but it's very confusing when you don't have a normal foundation to go off. I've seen "normal" or "healthy" from visiting other family homes n thankfully being exposed to some healthier more loving accepting environments but I always felt like there's something wrong with me n I'm too sensitive because I'd get teased by my family for it n my dad would speak poorly of me to my siblings encouraged them to do the same.. my brother as a kid would come home n tell me some of the things dad said about me n my sister didn't flinch when i told her recently i remembered this because she's my dad's fav n has that side to her she can stab you in the front even n act like you're to blame n what's the prob? My nan told me that my dad thought i cried too much as a little kid so he and my mum would ignore me or laugh it off.. I distinctly remember my mum encouraging my brother (younger than me) to laugh at me when I was crying I don't think she would've done that if it wasn't for my dad. He made an environment where it was okay for everyone to pick on me.. it didn't affect my whole childhood but with the other stuff that happened.. i could never talk to him or my mum.. All i had was my nan n she could be quiet narccy but at least she was attentive.. for example.. if we needed some basic things.. n actually said nice things so much it was embarrassing.. taught me stuff n genuinely enjoyed spending time with my siblings and i.. my parents never did that.. my dad tried once to help me as a kid with something but i think differently to him and i think he just wrote me off straight away.. he's an engineer n I'm artistic kind so polar opposites. I remember my dad saying my recent grandad wasn't loving at all.. n when I explain to them why maybe he was cold (drunk n violent father.. He doesn't really talk about it with me.. I'm not making excuses for my grandad but nobody seems to want to talk about why things are the way they are or talk at all.. everything should just be swept up uber the carpet n arguments continued for life.. n suddenly when somebody dies ppl pretend they care for one another but still act childish. I really don't get my father's side of the family at all.. They're all so stubborn, ignorant arrogant.. not all of them arrogant but stubborn should be our last name. Both my aunty n uncle don't want anything to do with my dad or their parents.. and I've never bn able to talk to them to make sense of things or even know what they're like and feel a sense of family with them n put together family history etc. It's a fucked up family n with a recent death n how everybody behaved I cbf anymore… history will just kp repeating itself. I don't want to totally give up.. like my brother but I want what he has, he's found happiness with a partner n her family n they're screwed up too but don't seem as stubborn. The way my dad speaks about my brothers partner.. Some of it I can see n she did behave very narcissistically herself n doing psychology it's a definite conflict of interest because I'm certain she used it but in person she's really lovely.. n doesn't seem manipulative. she's very easy to get along with actually. she's not this devil person my dad makes her out to be. My dad's a mess.. I want a relationship with him.. I had to let go of a lot of anger.. I can see he's depressed.. I want to be there n have whatever he has with my sister but also kp distance n not be affected or care what he thinks of me. I wanna prove to him I'm better than he thinks… I wanted to leave the country n get a job.. Everybody freaked.. my sisters moved for few months to study.. my dad was happy for her. When i told my dad i wad thinking of doing science at uni he said he didn't think i should do that n i should be a carer like his gf from China who doesn't have much choice. i mean no harm against carers n we should all be very grateful but if i were to do well i think it'd prove him wrong n he likes me being where i am strangely enough. whenever he tries to say something encouraging I can see it's my nan who's spoke with him cause that's not him normally. The last time he said such things i was a kid. he's not one to say or look for good things in ppl but he'll have a hundred bad things to say about anybody any given time.

  10. gray rock works brilliantly. they can't feed off you so they move on

  11. Waw your bone structure is beautiful! Stunning high cheekbones :)

  12. Ha! he just did this months later about his daughter.

  13. Your videos are saving me and keeping me here right now, thank you. Your articulation and insight are invaluable. So grateful. My narc, though not a full-blown, fully-fledged narc, never apologised, would suggest my going to see a doctor every time I disagreed with him, and never ever told me he loved me. It was a struggle to get an inch of positivity or encouragement or sentimentality out of him. Why is this, when so many narcs use emotional connections (or the pretence of them) as a means of manipulation? Also, he's never said a bad word against his exes, he's said, "I refuse to speak ill of people I used to date"….. Remember, this guy isn't a full-blown type… But close enough. I guess every narc is different… Peace xxxx

  14. I'm leaving town and changing my phone number.

  15. I feel stupid, i feel angry, i really felt subconsciously that it was all about him. He was so shining i couldn shine around him. I just gave it to him. The praise, all… I thought he was perfect, the Prince of my life. I felt though that we cannot connect on a profund level… Ihh. Still i learned a lot about these people. In the beginning he treated me like a princess, brought me flowers it was great. After that it was all about him. In the depreciation fase i told him,, you don t bring me flowers any more,, he was so mad inside at me for telling him that. I ve also had the best time with him, we had fun, went to clubs, really great time. He was a somatic covert narcissist, so i ve learned to take care of my body work out, eat good food, and quit smoking. Interesting that he did not want my greatest good. When i quit smoking for 10 days, he would tell me,, you deserve a cigarette now to reward yourself,, . He was a smoker and he quit, hard as he told me. I was like 'this is really easy' he did not like that. He brought me to casinos, it was the first time for me, and then after a while he would tell me that is my fault that he can t quit gammbling…. And i believed with time that i was the bad person and that he was so so perfect and good. He made me feel that i had no value and that i m Lucky he is with me. Comparing to the beginning of The relationship where he told me, Red flag, ' how did i got my hand on a girl like you' Ihh.

  16. hey Dana! love your videos! so helpful and insightful, always. quick question- any suggestions about how to handle the hoovering from my Sister in Law (malignant narcissist) who easily manipulates my husband with these classic hoovering techniques. he believes she's a narc with all classic behaviors but when a crisis happens as it always does, in the moment he can't admit that she won't ever change. he also won't confront the issues about her using me as family scapegoat. any ideas how to address this with hubby to protect our family from his FOO?

  17. My best friend is in this kind of relationship. She for whatever reason got sucked back into being with him. I don't know how to help her get away AGAIN and stay away.

  18. @Narcissist Support my mother told me i'm a sociopath, she said i should trust her coz she's my mother and nobody will say that to my face. but i kind've doubt it coz i am a sensitive human being and almost often people take advantage of me. but i am also often bored and i sometimes manipulate but not destroy peoples lives. doesn't everybody manipulate? Isn't being kind and thoughtful so u can have ur way the civilized thing to do?

  19. Dana he's still hoovering after 4 months

  20. I had a relationship that started in the end of 2010 with what I believe to be a sociopath.. cluster b disorder that falls pretty much as the same, but worse. Long story short, even though this will be long, I will shorten down the crazy story. She was a customer at my business and she was married and I knew that. She was a customer for years including her husband at the time. She wanted me to inspect something she was going to possibly purchase and I did. I seen her driving a few weeks later and sent an innocent text just being a smartass. Next thing I know, she's at my business every night after she got off work bringing me food and drinks and just literally shooting the breeze. This made it a week until I could not take it anymore and told her that I was not good with her being married and hanging out like this. She told me that he had moved out months ago and they were signing the final paperwork a week later. I was hesitant, but several weeks later we went out for the first time when she made up an excuse to see me. We became an item after that point and I would go see her on her lunch hour or meet up with her and go on a date or hang out with her. On the weekends we would watch movies and go out of town for the evening to drop off her notes as she was a nurse. We had what I will call the best relationship I will ever have or at least at the time thought I was experiencing. We made it 7 months and long story short after being around her friends, mother and son.. I found out she was still married and he was working nights from what I gathered.——adding more to replies below as the whole thing was too long.

  21. I am so devalued in the mind of my narc the only hoovering I get is every other month I get a form letter email requesting I ship personal items of a religious nature to him. BTW, he never practiced that religion. Also, the letter contains statements like "Please don't do anything crazy" and "I know my things mean absolutely nothing to you but they have deep sentimental value to me so please don't do anything to them". A box of grade school drawings and a rotted Boy Scout vest, pictures of his ex that sat in the garage for years being eaten away by moths all of a sudden are so important. A hat I gave him as a gift that he never wore. He also wants my forwarding address if I've moved. Why does he need that? I don't respond and just forward everything to my lawyer. Been no contact since the moment he left and I love it. My kids are really at peace now too.

  22. I told one en N after a 4 year relationship had ended because of his cheating with my "friends" that if he had ever cared about me he would never have done what he did. And that he not only didn't love me but didn't respect em either and that's why we wouldn't be getting back together. He still tried though, off and on over the next few years and even after I had moved to another city far from him.

  23. My last ever N, 20 years ago, left me for another N who was much worse than he was . She absolutely destroyed his life. She had affairs with all his work mates and his boss – breaking up his marriage and my ex lost his own jib because of it. She had an affair with his cousin whom he had formerly trusted. She had an affair with my best friends bf and gave him an std which my friend also got, and she was shagging her pregnant sisters bf. All after he had left me for her and while they were supposedly in a relationship.

    He later tried to come back but thank heaven I was away for a few weeks but my teenage daughters were home. He came to the door holding our mail in his hand which he said he noticed as he was driving past had fallen out of the letterbox! A likely story. . .

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