Everything you Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse – click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html If you are married to …
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Narcissist’s Victims Deceive Themselves
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This sounds like my father… It makes things so hard to have a good conversation with him. I know that for a fact. I know from my experience I had dealt with this but also did this to others too… When I realized my parents are narcissists. I had to change my views and perspective of my own life and how it is a destructive behavior.
I was the narcissist's toy. It took me months to not be in denial of his NPD, to allow healing to begin through research. I have over 10 yrs of diary entries detailing the narc abuse, devaluation, narc rages, etc. which is proof enough to myself of the abuse. I didn't want to face reality.
I WAS addicted to the hope of helping him. I lost all hope & almost killed myself. I knew something was so wrong with him for yrs but I was prey.
"Don't belong to the same species". There are no better words to say it.
The narcissist my not love but they do have cohorts or those that do speak their language and coaches them on how to best destroy you. When you think back on the X relationship and wonder why you could not make friends with their equally evil cohorts, then you really know your were taken and what a fool you were. Really enjoy these Videos Sam, need to read your books!!
I knew there was something wrong at the beginning. it was everyone else's fault. he took no responsibility for he's break down with he's ex. he dressed shabby. but was so charming. quite handsome. he's teeth where very brown though. he's hygiene was poor on some days. he isolated. he always forgot he's wallet when we went food shopping. he would always say I'll give you back the money but never did. if he did he would h
give it back in a volatile attitude. I'm a people pleaser. it was painful excepting it. I felt guilty. he's, attitude and behaviours didn't match he's actions. he was saying he had morals but he didn't act like he did. he had 2 small children. he was very aloof around them. they clung to me from the beginning. I did everything for them. he had an air of arrogant entitlement and didn't have any boundaries with me around the kids. I instantly took over as there parent. he was brutal with he's daughter. he was violent with her twice. she had behaviour issues. she would cry for me at night to sleep with her. he got very agitated with this. he put her down and praised he's son. we would argue over this. if she tried to cuddle him he would push her off. i was looking after them cooking cleaning washing baby sitting. I was a built in house maid. he never once bought me flowers or took me to dinner. I would argue constantly I didn't feel appreciated and that I felt he was taking me for granted. he would explode with rage and justify, twist, and exaggerate until I ended up saying sorry to him! then I felt there was more to he's coldness. he seemed to eye up every women young or old. he had a predators stare. in fact it creeped me out. I had the kids through one schools holiday. he was being very distant. I decided to check he's phone. I found he was going on porn sites on a daily basis. teen sites at that. I confronted him and again, I ended up saying sorry. then I found he was active on a dating website. the one I met him on. I feel broken, confused, feel like I'm grieving the man I thought he was. I can't believe how stupid I have been. I feel ashamed, used and embarrassed. I miss the kids and think about them all the time. the break up was matter of fact to him. I'm heart broken. I also feel (although I don't have proof ) that there is someone else already. I feel for the kids. I know they cried if I wasn't there. I also found pics on he's computer of young teen girl. I have no idea what I'm dealing with here. I want to contact he's ex as I feel I'm going mad. my friends saw a decline in me whilst with him. they saw what he was doing. they said to me many times get away from him. he's weird etc. why didn't I listen to my gut. I'm not eating or sleeping. feel lost. I even tried to get back with him. he was enjoying every minute and was even antagonising me. he hated he's mum. hes road rage was awful. Sam could you please tell me what I have been dealing with?? is it me being sensitive?? why do I want him back? he did nothing for me or anyone. he was a taker. feel so depressed thanks.
TRY HAVING A NARC HATE HIMSELF SO MUCH TO THE POINT OF TRYING TO BRAINWASH YOU TO BELIEVE YOU ARE "IT"……. I have empathy..i smile…to show love means the world to me.im sad even having to write this.."sprititual buddy"..cult leader..fulll blown psychopathic narc.emotionally numb..i feel braindead…always wondered why he was weird..head hurt so much, started abusing drugs..complete facades..every day.."it" called me an it…nice try,..fucking asshole.
Got brainwashed to believe iw as one…"childhood friend"…LABELED ME BECAUSE HE WAS SO FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD…DECIDED TO make me a character in his narrative…fucked up…all he really wanted to do was rob people/hurt his mom..i didnt see it coming…turns out my grandmother is classic narc…dad has ptsd…Now i ahve complex ptsd..now i know im not perfect..omnipotent said the narc in my life…Severe depression.
Is triangulation seen in other dx than NPD? I had relationship with MPD/DID that triangulated. I think all the personalities were overt or covert NPD and or codependent. Fascinating sexual experience but I ended up with Stockholm syndrome. He was a faux Christian. I'm trying to heal. Christianity told me to forgive before I passed thru the anger. No one can understand the cruelty and pain I went thru at least no one I know will validate it. Cyclical relationship. He is a sex addict and I feel I caught that disease from him.
"People survive tornados. Is this a reason to go out and seek one?" Great!
Thank you for your video's .
They help me understand my daughter's situation.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XjY2m0bAaU
'People survives tornados but that is no reason to seek one out' … nice.
Thank you Sam. Everything you've said here is true. He is a law unto himself.
My psychiatrist suspects my abusive mother is narcissistic. I agree.
I have seen evil.
Thank you Sam….I have been struggling, healing from a narcissistic relationship, he being fully diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and bipolar….It has been truly the hardest healing, although much growth for me. Thank you for all of your videos and in this one in particular with the alignment with loving a narcissist like a person not understanding a Japanese …so exactly right – and the shell of a person they are…only out to use all for their own pleasure…. so sad and disappointing there is little or no healing from this ….thank you for the reminder that staying in touch or in desire to have the relationship back is the same as desiring a tornado …
so should narcassist just keep to themsleves if all they do is hurt people maybe they shouldnt speak to anyone
I am moving far away. He doesn't know that I'm leaving. I wonder how much if at all he relies on the SNS I offer….I am old supply to him that he re-idealizes approximately every 3 weeks for a period of about 1-2 weeks…..he's been as predictable as rain.
I love how narcissists are desperate to be unique yet there is nothing …zero about them that is actually unique.
I understand that Narcissism is a spectrum disorder, so your mileage may vary, still I wish there was a way to distinguish between a "real" malignant Narcissist and someone with narcissistic personality traits. Is the ability to emphasize at the core of making this distinction or are there other reliable and easily discernible traits unique to a full-fledged narcissist's personality?
God is my rock and Sam is my looking glass. I was a poster child for codependency and my wife the poster child for NPD. Over a decade she must have talked about breaking up more often than I can recall. Things she would never say: " I won't give up on us " or "this relationship is important to me"…things she would say " I not the right person for you" or "I just don't say the right things" or " I can't make you happy". I would wonder what the hell is going on. She knew my weaknesses and exploited them for her own enjoyment. I got to a point where I would spend hours each day doing stuff for her and then think at night what I would do the next day. I was on antidepressants for years and never once did she show any empathy or concern. I was slowly dying inside. Becoming invisible. I tried for years to have just one discussion about finances. Never happened. She made sure that I knew my place ad a step dad. Pay pay and pay. Drive them everywhere at any time. I enjoyed being their step dad. However, she made very sure that the "hired" help knew their place. No parenting allowed. Even though the biological dad was a druggy and also a N. So here I am. Single. Healing and growing. Two years and counting. The looking glass allows me to make a modicum of sense out of nonsense. Thanks Sam.
I am in the moving on stage. I've removed myself from the situation, divorced then relocated out of state. I'm interested in your statement of 1% of the population has narcissistic personality disorder. I think it's much higher…. I feel I can identify these types of people now. They have no soul. I never knew of this disorder… until I married one.
Hard core
Do narcissists have a way of referencing or euphemism for that which they constantly seeks other than "narcissistic supply?"
And, perhaps, there is something wrong with me now; I cannot tell anyone this has not destroyed me, almost entirely; I am hanging on with a thread, but the good news is that I can finally realize that he chose what he wanted to care about; he had every opportunity to be a real man and take care of his life, but he chose not to. His decision was made, and why should I continue to pay for it? I am not–I see the truth. That has given me the freedom to work on the guilt that he has pushed onto me for even thinking of myself or my own life. I want my life back and I refuse to feel guilty when I do leave him, even if he is now sick. After all, he really isn't concerned about anything else, again, but himself.
The bottom line is; no matter how mature; successful; generous; kind; moral; responsible you are, when, and if you meet a narc, your entire life will disappear; you will be known as an "extension" of the narc from the day the relationship commences; and typically YOU will never been seen, regarded, or appreciated for who YOU are again. The narc will go behind your back and make ridiculous comments to people; they typically do not like the "victim" to have any support, so they will immediately start to rid your life of people. That is how they isolate you, because they found someone they can "use" to run their life while they go and play; their lives are a circus, devoid of any responsibility or "connection" to anything or anyone; it is about them; it really is, 7 days a week/24 hours a day; endless…..until you come to this point, where you are so desperate that you will go on U-Tube for an answer. I miss me, and I vow to get me back, but it is going to take an act of God to get out, because it has to be done silently. When a person is just fed up it is so hard to put up with another day. And, even though he may "say" what I want to hear, in the end, even after all of the damage has been done, he cannot change; he can only "charm." Sam is right, in my case.
This is so true. I am guilty of what Sam has said, but I am also very new to this diagnosis. I spent years and years spinning in circles; no understanding at all of why I was constantly a victim of such outrageous circumstances; I just wanted to have a normal life, and I tried to leave. They will do anything to keep you from leaving; anything! Now, it has all come back full-circle upon the narc; there is no one left; not one single person cares about him anymore; I care, but all I want is out. I feel sorry for him, but that is not love. I have noticed the past three weeks that another point Sam made is so accurate; they do not confess anything; they know they have ruined their entire life, and yours; but the narc in my life says, "I just play dumb." He told me that when I first met him; it went over-my-head. They feign concern and regret, and elicit pity, but even after that, he continued to treat other people in his family with no regard, so when it comes down to it, it is the "charm." It is not charming, once you are onto it; you can see right through it. And now, everything (a diversion) is that he is "sick." He has been ill, and all because along with not caring about a living soul or his finances or his family, etc, he did not care about himself. He ate whatever he "felt like eating" and ignored all of the concerns of others; now he is facing some serious issues. It all comes back on them in the end. They live, thoughtless, for the next five minutes; who they can grab onto; how they can attain the latest desire; they do not plan; they do not save; they have no identity, no sense of themselves or regard for the lives and feelings of others. Never in my life have I been on such a ride! I want off of this merry-go-round, but it is so hard to get out. And, if you try to talk as an adult about the past, and display concern over the future, they will tell you (at least in my case) "everything is going to be all right." Really, because it NEVER has been. That is how THEY deceive themselves to get through the next five minutes. I know better than that. Until I actually get out and can retrieve some kind of sanity and live my own life, I am shielding myself from the next blow, or at least trying to. And, because they are so caught up in themselves they are incapable of realizing the damage they have caused; how THEIR behavior has rendered them alone and forgotten; they are broke and items they bought are driven into the ground because they do not take care of material items anymore than they do relationships; they expect an "item" to be perfect with no maintenance, just as their relationships. When the item (car; home; tools, etc) has become "useless" they just make an excuse and go buy another one. If they had bothered to realize that these items cost money, that cost them savings, and cost them opportunity, so the "items" could be driven into the ground and ultimately need to be replaced, perhaps they would have examined how they have done this to everyone and everything. These people have a screw loose. Even pity isn't going to cut it with me anymore. It starts in childhood; and if it is not addressed as a young adult, these people are coming for you, and that is why society is declining. As Sam has stated: "To Hell in a Narcissistic Hand basket." We have to do better with our children or this is what the future can expect. Thank you again Sam.
I have just received the best news. My narcissist 'friend' thinks I am a backstabbing c@nt, thanks to the glory of text messaging. This means we are no longer friends and have been ejected from his hall of justice that consisted of two other 'friends' and his revolving door of girl'friends'. Ever since i twigged he was a narcissist, much thanks to Sam Vaknin, I decided not to play his game of resucer/rescued garbage. He has every diagnosis under the sun, officially that is, but I am sure I am correct in adding Narcissistic Personality Disorder to the list. Merely by speaking my mind and stopping the game of supporting his fragile little ego….I won the ultimate prize….the narc doesn't want me in his agenda. It was hard to break away from the prick, but now it is done, hooray. I felt caught in a spiderweb that i was physically caught in, even though i was no longer playing the mental games. I guess it took him a while to realise i thought he was a selfish piece of crap, despite his multiple diagnoses. Some people are just poison. What have i learned? Number one…watch out for people who want rescuing….or who want to rescue you. They are stray dogs that can turn on you at any moment…after they have covered you in fleas. Thanks Sam.
im co-dependant and suffered emotional and physical abuse from a narcissists. I'm recovering from my illness "co-dependacy" now I'm healing from narcissistic abuse thanks to you. You are giving me strength. Julia
truth be told many of these types are simply SOULESS. The children of disobedience. Mere illusions.
+Positive Thinking Lady You are well on your way to the happiness and peace in your life that you most assuredly deserve. You'll see!
I have to watch you at least 3 times a week just to wake myslelf up to the truth. My mom is a Narc. All my life I have been looking for some way to connect in a loving close family way with her. I felt she was a shell with no one inside but really felt awful thinking like that and would stop FAST. You discribe her like you have known her for 50 years. I don't like what you say at all, but it is true what you say. I don't want to say good-bye to my mom. But she really is a shell and everything is about her all the time. Like you say, it's not just me. She's like that with everyone.
He tells me this "I know that my behavior is harming you emotionally. You would be better off leaving me, when I agree he starts to cry and beg me to stay… Its like a game he plays.. It's confuses me, Your videos are saving me, I hope you do more to help the victim leave, its the hardest thing to do, he becomes like a drug addiction,,. Just hoping I can cope with his disorder, but I know deep inside it will never be possible to live with this person. Again, Thank You Sam for all you do to help us victims.
This is so true Sam! My undiagnosed Narcissistic 'mother' (nothing wrong with her; is her attitude) stays the hell away from me when I'm strong and/or in therapy. The sunlight I radiate blinds her and she disintegrates like a Vampire. I tried extremely hard to help her heal (knowing her childhood caused her vile behaviour) this was a complete waste of my energy. I now use my energy to heal and love myself in ways she did not.
Powerful stuff Sam. I'm loving your work!
The torture, is he in control or has any ability to stop in that moment? No matter the depth or length of time of the bond, there's not any remorse? My ex left me lying in the floor, (broken bones, orbital fracture, skull fracture, ruptured ear drums, etc.), in and climbed into the bed, without any concern for me, or care of what he was leaving for a 10 & 12 yr old, to discover. (Why that's the big difficult thing for me, in all this, I still don't know how to explain to non-bubble livers), Anyway, long rambling mess ending when I regained consciousness fairly soon thereafter, he was deep REM sleep face down sprawling to every edge and w/ a light snore. Im just thankful that our children were late returning home their mother's dead body, Mother's Day, 2000.
At 14, the even scarier member of my family ran away, because I made her skim the hot tub and take her trash outside and refused to let her stay at the mall 6 hrs. 35 hrs later, with 11 LEO tracking her phone, interviewing friends, she walked into the house of her own volition, with a little bounce in her step and a real person fake smile. I'm standing there hysterical, exhausted & livid. She really didn't even slow as she passed me on the stairway, and as she confidently her victory walk, she reaches out, pats the top of my head a couple of times and says, "My goodness, lady! You are a wreck, what in the world happened to you, lol? You need to get a grip."
5 minutes later she was a lifetime away.
Fear, shame, remorse, regret, empathy, love, contrition. Nope, Scientologists would get more use.
This is really eye-opening. Thank goodness I discovered this in my twenties and not later. This will save me a lot of health, nerves and energy from now on since now I realize who I was stuck with was an actual hardcore NPD person.