Pretend Guy Redux AKA The Man who Wasn’t EVER There
Pretend guy has been gone for several years now, really 6 years if we’re being honest.
[Pretend Guy = http://alexandranouri.com/2011/03/13/missing-the-narcissist/ ]
But thanks to post financial collapse of USA’s housing market coupled with that dating this fiend long distance, I am still trapped and mired in a soul sucking situation.
Back to pretend guy AKA not the real guy, Mr Bizarro.
Pretend guy was sweet, a true friend, an easy facade to maintain when your girlfriend lives far afield.
Over many painful dissections of the past, only one single phrase was telling on his part.
At our first “Meet and Greet” he told me he wanted to be “mean to people”, a sudden warning bell went off. He means you.
But the stupid part of my brain, the rationalizing part scoffed that anyone would want to be mean to me on purpose.
I rationalized that this man was wounded in other relationships. Convincing myself he was nervous and just making jokes….
But jokes always contain some truth, don’t they now.
So years go by and I date other people, he sexes up other women.
Finally after seeming to be my good and steadfast online buddy for 2 years we start dating seriously.
Times flies by. Cracks nearly a year to develop. They are nasty but I am in too deep.
The economy has fallen apart, I’ve fallen apart myself. Stretching myself thin traveling to see him, to try hard to make things work.
The distance and coldness grows. Instead of stopping things and running, I cling. He ghosts me. A grown up and educated professional, a former military officer ghosts me.
After I am already moved to his vicinity. I wander and fall into a deep and wide eyed depression.
Months go by and finally he sees me when I demand my things to be returned.
He seems sweet again. Sad.
I convince myself he was confused.
Things pick up again and fast forward to time flying by. But this time he explains his full and utter hatred of me.
I quickly find out he already dumped and discarded me years ago when he ghosted me.
Mentally my ego and intellect can not handle this annihilation. I read about Pretend Guy. I have an a-ha moment.
But it doesn’t heal me, it doesn’t help me collect funds and jet far away from him and this quagmire.
He has fun moments, he had kind moments where I lull myself into suspending disbelief.
I stuff down the insults. The crazy wild insults. That I am fucking ugly. A bitch. A fat bitch. ANd the long plaintive diatribes on how he has given up so much time for me. On and on threats of how sad Ill be when he leaves.
So again pretend guy is gone, but isn’t he gone really. He never was. He was merely a projection. The body is real.
A handsome, tall and classically well built man.
I’ve dated good looking guys but this one is basically this:
Combined with this:
A heartthrob where nothing but a cold and bitter heart beats.
But I know full well there are many equally dreamy men who are good and sweet and kind and don’t HATE women down deep. Elvis and Gerard being some of the good guys from what I’ve heard.
So this is my pain. My perfect looking man who I had literally butterflies around for our first 5-6 dates.
Who I was intoxicated by. Who seem like my sweet bestie long distance for 2 years.
But now for too many years, someone who finds new ways to insult me. Who seems to think I WANT to stay in this situation. Who I am too afraid to spell it out for. That he is mean and vile and cruel beyond words and I can’t wait to
find myself in the arms of someone good and tender who wouldn’t dream of gleefully wounding me.
This is a man who not an hour ago threw it in my face that he knew how I loved him and that he knew I thought he was my soul mate and how he considers me a minus 9.9
Someone who he can not bear or even like.
Instead of being cool, I bawled my eyes out … I stupidly let him know he is a PRETEND GUY. He seems amused by the notion. Laughed and cackled and then curled himself up in bed.
My only comfort is sharing this and looking at other stories and seeing stories of how people moved on and got out.
It’s probably just simple. Be boring. Be organized. Amass some money. And just move on. Its been stuck in this situation, its being trapped without funds to leave that is soul sucking.
Pretend guy gets some sick satisfaction out of it even though he would deny it. I get nothing out of it except a reminder that yes that beautiful on the outside creature just harbors the nasty soul inside. I am shocked anew every time he stings me with his words.