The thought of missing someone who treats you so badly can be horrifying. You can almost feel like you are going crazy. It can be so hard to switch off those …
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Q&A Why Do I Miss The Narcissist?
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People who deal fm this type of abuse initially think of the abuser as two people: the nice(r) version they show you to get what they need from you versus the cruel person. Being an empathetic person, you mistakenly project your own worldview (capable of empathy) with their mindset (not capable, feeds off your energy, provokes your hurt to feel in control). Hope for the consistent response from a narcissist only keeps you choas. It's a matter of self-education…and learning to listen to your feelings. Don't blame yourself; LOTS of smart people have been duped by this person. Remember to regularly ask yourself this question: How do I feel about MYSELF when I interact with this person? If you don't feel empowered, they are not good for you, period. Live and keep learning. Yes, your best life (and love too) are before you.
Where can I find more about this idea that says we are missing ourselves when we are obsessed and addicted? is there any research/ source?
I do miss me. Although I believe I know me
Something I am hoping you can help me with. I really hope you see this. I am in the process of figuring out the whys of my behavior and what it is linked to from my childhood. I have several of the big things (eg problems I'm dealing with and behaviors) linked to past childhood traumatic events. However…what do I do once I have made that link? The therapist I was seeing is not particularly helpful and to be honest I gain more insight and knowledge from watching videos like this than she could ever give me. I'm not sure what to do with the information I have uncovered and the links I have made. Any help would be appreciated!
good explanation thank you
wow! Thank you so much.
are u a narcissist?
I dont miss the abuser at all wanted to get out and did
G R E A T posting, watching from CA, USA. Thank you Melanie.
I have asked him to leave bc he has for the umpteenth time violated our marriage…and I should've feel guilty like I gave up on him..we are Christian leaders and I feel like I. didn't ensure and I didn't continue to use my faith that God would heal and deliver him…but I am exhausted after 2 1/2 yrs of multiple affairs and abandonment and perversions and rejection mood swings..
why do I instead feel like I have abandoned him .his nmbr one issue…I tried to prove I was here and that I wouldn't abandon him like his mother did..I tried to prove to him that I was dedicated to him as his wife and trying to be friend
but I can't find this inner child I'm sorry…so I don't know what who or where she is
your not actually missing the abuser………… cat tail he he
wow this is the best video I've seen so far. I have just split from NARC, in so much pain. I have CPTSD. I know a bit about inner child stuff. I'm craving to be loved. keep picking abusive men. so tired of this pain. I am willing to so what ever it takes to change this. thank you so so much x
This was very good. This is exactly what happened with me, within myself and with the N. I interacted with. I couldn't even recognize it for what it was until the devalue and discard that caused me to go through severe pain. Co-dependency workshops, 12 step groups etc… really help. Once you can recognize what is going on inside yourself, and find yourself again, the pain of needing the narcissist leaves. But–the memories where you thought you were loved crop up from time to time, and just shedding tears and mourning the person you thought he was, really helps. I know he isn't truly "human," but "burying the human I thought he was, metaphorically, in my mind really helped. Sometimes also burying things the person gave you in a shoe box, with their picture–as an "image" of what you thought they were (burying the person you thought they were, because they are now dead to you–since you need to avoid them at all costs) really helps.
you're very good. thanks a ton
This is one of the best addiction tips I have ever heard. Thanks Melanie!!
The only thing I would miss about this culprit is that I can't watch him self-destruction 3-6-5. The person has no resemblance of control. I know because my old man became privy to the 4-1-1 that he is known for his lack of decorum. On the other hand, he knew to some level , otherwise he would have had friends all this time. I am 47 and have never seen him with any resemblance of a "Lavern & Shirley" friendship. He never had a "Potsy/Fronzie" one. I just go on with my life learning from on line and discerning things. I live on my laptop. I have been able to evade regression—missing the predators. It's just me. I don't like chaos. I have gone to being the Elton John song "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word" to Sinatra's "For Once in My Life". I have a voracity music. I bought a Duke Ellington song on the same Itunes list with a Nelly song this month. I have 80 years of music. It' s all FDR to Obama. I was born week one of Nixon.
Thankyou so much for this insight! I was missing my narcissistic ex and feeling the effects even down to panic attacks and chest pains…. looking inward and healing is the only way forward… we can definitely learn from identifying the root cause and heal without repeating the patterns. Thanks again!
Melanies Narp program is life changing. If u r in pain.. Buy it.
I dont miss the Narc.abuser…but Im feeling sorry for their Enabler.But I hv shown her many times…to stand up to him..like I did.But she played devious parts in decieving me too…so hey…yall just have to get on with it.Sister ¡¿¡ ;>
Orgasmically Yessss ~ Balance
Melanie, I am immensely grateful for your insight and couldn't have broken free without your help. You are a lovely person and have saved my life. For really real sister, thank you.
Also I help this helps someone…..the ex narc in my life was a dear childhood school friend I adored…..so years later it was like fate in my "imaginative" world that we were soul mates and that he understood me, got me, and my weirdness, different, artistic side. . . . . I couldn't let go of that girl in middle school that he admired, always wanted,he had the biggest crush on me for all of school, and that, in my mind was so sweet like a fairytale of two people who were meant for each other but now 25 yrs later. It made giving up this narc so much harder. I thought I had this connection to him.Ihad this idea of who I thought he was and I was, and our connection also from that many years ago. And it allowed it to only hurt me more. Delusions. It obviously was my longing for love, acceptance, the fact I wanted to feel special/pretty back then. I felt like he gave that back to me, showing me I was important when I was a kid. Crazy how our life experiences shape our future.
I cried for two mths, still wanted narc at 3 mths, at 4 was too distracted, now 5 mths I'm back here again making myself search for answers at why I still feel like I miss him. Love addiction. Sucks
In my case, the narcissist is my mother and I just kept going back, thinking it was about us and that love and other virtues would bring us back to peace. I grew up seeing her so unhappy, but never thought, in a million years, that she would turn on her children, but that, of course, is at the core of my wounds. Not the first time. The pain is always right under the surface and I've been doing everything to heal. What am I missing? Have I been taught to self abandon so severely that it will never stick? Is there such a pattern of self partnering and then self abandoning that seems endless?
Thank you for this. I am aware I am not missing…"him" but I am missing the addiction.
This is profound. Thank you.
The worst relationship that I have ever been a part of. Still trying to end it every day and move on, even though we're broken up, she is still luring me back in as she has been doing for months, how, I have no idea and can't explain why.
o my i cant believe you smoked so much! you look so healthy 🙂
giving me hope, id like to stop smoking by the end of the year..
Thank you Melanie…needed this right now!
Melanie I am going through this exact thing right now it is been two months since I left my narc. The pain was so great in the relationship that when I left finally for the first month I was very happy and at peace but now as time has gone on and that just has settled so to speak in the last couple of days especially in the. late evening hours when I have time to set my mind to quiet down I start to miss him terribly know that I only remember the good I've been through this before so I know it's too shall pass. It just hurts and I just want to wait for the pain to stop finally pass to the other side I know that it will get easier. I have to go through the pain to get through.
You are fabulous. This is right on. Finally rid myself of the narc in my life after 20 years. I feel great. What was I thinking before…ugh
I really believe in what you are saying! And I have done the cigs under the tap water more than once! Awesome life sharing! Thank you.
I love how you understand this subject so well! Totally everything that goes on in my mind!
Thank you for sharing your story. I have rejected a narc and I am missing him. Unfortunately, my father is a narc and my brother used to beat me up so this does not bode well for any future relationships with men. But now I am realizing that I don't need a man and I am slowly moving towards the possibility of not looking for a relationship at all. Luckily, I am less and less interested in sex. I am cultivating my relationships with women as friends and I feel that kind women are so much better company and so much more able to be there for me. I want to create a community that can support each other through their healing.
you are doing a great job dear 🙂 quantum healing is such a great thing. Thank you for sharing. Kindest regards :)
This is an amazingly insightful video. Melanie without your insight into this I would not have been able to make it. After divorcing my first narcissist I went on to fall for another one that delivered the messages in a totally different way, but they were the same messages.
The narc in my life is my daughter, that I have been very close too. So I think I really do miss her, (not her drama). I have stayed away from her for almost a month and that's, I think the longest we have stayed away from one another.How do O go about the missing her when we are so very close? Anything you can tell me would help.
True and sad ….
This is what my Doc said exactly !!!!!
You are so clear! Fantastic insights. it has taken me nearly 2 years to get back in touch with my inner children and "re-parent" those children and their wounds after a horrible experience with a narc. As soon as I sorted the narc out as the catalyst to my pain (objectify), I was able to really heal…and no contact is the only way. Thank you for all that you do, Melanie!
Amazing! Thank you
I don't think I ever "missed" my narc BUT I did obsess over her for a LONG LONG time-alternating between hating her and hating myself. But the REASON was the same. She was the puzzle I couldn't solve. I still have a difficult time ever thinking of her as an "angel in disguise" (I can't see anything angelic about her) but she certainly did function to bring my unresolved wounds into the forefront of my life and once I saw that and, especially, once I began to heal, the pain she caused didn't seem so bad.
You speak with such clarity and honesty. Thank you so much.
Thanks for helping us Melanie, it is so true that our addiction to the narc is like a drug addiction.
I have to say girl you are one tough cookie. I feel so proud of you . I'm on the smokes at the mo and the drink. 70 a day is a lot..20 a day hurts my gums. I'm trying , my mum was and is a narc and I was psychically abused badley when I was young. I'm 7 months out of the prettiest girl I've ever met but after 4 years I knew something wasn't right..took me a big amount of courage to end it but then I was in hell and have been for six months massively. She is what I think a passive aggressive Narc …hurts like hell . And lots of love to you also xxx takes a special person to do what you're doing. Respect. Xxx all the best and I'm on your next webinar. Often the broken people we find and fall in love with and help heal…wind up being ourselves. Lovely saying x
Stockholm syndrome: Codependent identification with one's own captor. It's an addiction to being baited, hooked and handled by a fisherman that enjoys watching people crappie flop thirsting for breath