Everything you Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse – click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html Can’t we act civilised …
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Remain Friends with the Narcissist?
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watch out for the minimisation, triangulation and playing emotions off as a joke..
Because the abuse still affects them, even though they are used to it from their parents.
I always spot narcissists a mile off since first hand experience of one as a friend so my eyes are wide open, but find others around me don't. It's frustrating to witness their behaviour and to see how the people I care about change. Because I am an empath and very reserved I tend to find I as a friend that I am less favoured for a while because I don't have issues, able to maintain longstanding friendships and don't have emotional outbursts if not centre of attention so friends know I don't have needy tendencies. Therefore the other person will pay more attention to new narcissistic friend to try to keep pleasing them, pity them or avoid the Hyde personality or drama. This phrase is always frustrating especially as the 'nice' person but all I can do is sit back, say nothing and let the friend figure things out for themselves to avoid conflict or him/her turning against me whilst under the narcissist spell as I call it. It's not nice to witness the gas lighting, treading on eggshells behaviour towards the narcissist and the change in behaviour of the friend around these people, how they mirror behaviour, jekyll and Hyde, but sooner or later eventually the mask falls and the light bulb goes off.
Short answer, no. I tried and it was impossible without constant drama, lies and half truths.I was still be very badly hurt by future faking behaviors and his false words. He still cycled through Idealize, devalue, discard but on a different level. In the end it was just as harmful to my self esteem as it was when we were a couple. I found that in the "friendship" compartment (this narcissist compartmentalized) caused just as much if not more cognitive dissonance because he would very occasionally "love bomb". I could never be sure what his intentions were. They were never in my interest I can be assured.
"Deny their own torment in order to endure it. Consummate Liars." I am blown away. Thank you for this "aha" moment.
… Just get outta there! They're never gonna stop their abuse and put-downs.
Sam, What is Sado-masochism all about? There is apparently a specialist S-M brothel in Sydney which works 24 hours per day; why?
No fucking way, it's better to tease a Siberian Tiger, at least you know what you are doing.
there were times that i was being verbally abused and disrespected and i heard nothing but sound for years from one particular person, it took a sever beating before i could hear it
I am currently in a relationship after separating (and now divorcing) my husband of 25 years.
I've been with this new person for 2 years now. I am mid-forties, but he is quite a bit older (63). Somehow I fell for him after being neglected in my marriage. He gave me LOTS of attention, time, intimacy. All the things I craved.
I'm just now learning that he MAY be a narcissist but hoping he merely has narcissistic traits and has hope.
He's never come close to physically harming me or putting me down.
(I'm actually a fitness model and he knows he just caught me at a low and he would likely NEVER secure anyone else like me at his age.)
But he has a lot of other N signs. He tells elaborate lies for no reason, is unable to empathize, manipulates me when I've tried to break up over the past year, HATES his mother, and when we broke up and I dated someone else, once we got back together he said that was cheating, tells big TALES about how great he was in the past, monopolizes my time, but has made promises that involve keeping my gas and electric on for the sake of the children then completely reneges on his promises, leaving us without resources.
He's always held a steady job tho and actually earns a fairly decent retirement from being a school teacher and working in the prison system (20 years each job).
I'd like to think there's hope as I have bonded with him so much it hurts to imagine life without him. But if I have to let go for the sake of my children I will. Just wondering if it sounds like there's hope???
All my friends are dumbfounded. They only see the outside and tell me to look at myself in the mirror and then look at HIM. That I could get just about anybody, blah, blah, blah. He was incredibly charming when we met…not so much now.
A bit of a sex addict…but I do notice when I seem to try to ask for intimacy, he likes to put me off…Control issues? :(
This is so very true! You are spot on! After seeing a therapist and extensive research I came to the conclusion that I suffer from stockholm syndrome and eventually realized my husband is a Narcissist. Our therapist suspected both & it wasn't until I went into depth of research I came to terms with it. I still have not been able to leave him.
you notice as you become aware how the stamp collection of the narcissist (i.e., 'friends') are all co-dependents so desperate
to please (and of course will never succeed w/the narcissist) that they take just about everything, even becoming very depressed over the constant crazy words/behavior toward them. And of course thinking it is their own fault.
NOOOOOOOO!
hello Sam, in another video (narcissist has no friends) you where mentioning that the narcissist sooner or later remains lonely, as his behavior nausiates people in the long run.But eventually, some people do NOT abandon him (stockholm syndrome) and manage to stay in his environment? This part is still unclear to me. Thank you
thank you Sam
At the end of the day society worships narcissists and actually encourages narcissistic behaviour if you think about it.
i'm definitely not a Inverted Narcissist but the Arcade Chinese part was a eureka for me. It gives me hope. thank you Sam Vaknin. your videos are really helpful.
roller coaster maybe this is why some people are attracted to criminals or even the criminal lifestyle. Some researchers determined that the motive for robbery is only partly money, part is the thrill and risk. Ditto the drug lifestyle, it is not only the drug but the trip gone through to get it. Since such desire for thrills feeds the evil of the narcissists, and promotes the culture of narcissism, maybe it is not a good thing. My Significant Other once said when we were looking to get tenants in the house, "we need people so normal they are boring." boring is good.
world is dull and sad without the brilliant narcissist? well, maybe dull is good.
I had to place many mutual friends in a restricted list on facebook, I believe they may have the stockholm syndrome Sam was talking about, plus they may unwittingly be used as proxy's and pawns to manipulate socially,and I don't want to offer any medium for him to have secondary access to my private and social life .if they need me I can be reached by email or phone. but I have also found that the mutual friends ,many of them, can possibly be just like the abuser to a more or lesser degree in traits.The proximity of the narcissist supply may consist of other narcissist supplying each other in their exclusive social circle,each looking to the other for adoration.some times the sacrifice is what may be needed to fully separate from the abuser.
My boss was like this. And now we have left the workplace we see each other on the street, and is all charming. I think she misses someone she could control.
I really like your description. You're describing the perfect narcissist, an overt one. It's not to say they're few and hard to come by. But I think you'd agree that the frequency of characteristics which make up narcissism are on a continuum for the popul.I also think depression and anxiety potentiate those traits/states.So when it comes to prescribing a plan to handle those on the narcissistic side,I think it'd be best to evaluate the person as an individual.Then cut your losses if they exist.
You have described most every one living, lol
Adult spoiled brats!
The Narcissist I know was a spoiled,over indulged,pampered, and favored child. Some experts say that spoiling a child in this way is one of the most insidious forms of of child abuse, because it does not prepare the child for life or loving anyone… but the self. Thus the sense of entitlement,self-gratification,expectant of better treatment and more recognition than others. Anger comes in the form of not getting ones way as a child who has tantrums,etc.
LOL, Probably another type of Personality Disorder going on there.
I think Narcissism is a sign of the last days…2timothy 3 verse 2 ."..men will be lovers of themselves in the last days"…I believe our social media is partly influential. Take facebook for example..it encourages you to be a narcissist WHO CARES WHAT YOU DO HOUR BY HOUR.. another example..youtube twitter…it .broadcasts… People commit crimes because they want to become famous….and our social media puts it out there for everyone to view…
I just broke away from somebody with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She was abusive and talked solely about herself. I have a few questions:
After 9 months of breaking up and getting back together, this last time was brutal as I told her of her problems, which she denied and refused to admit any fault. She was cold and lifeless and could not speak rationally. She also lied a lot. We met at a local bar.
Will she seek revenge and try to smear my name now amongst friends? What do I do?
So true
Profound. Thank you.
I am a Narcissist, your videos have really helped me.
Wow,..you really whipped out all humanity… The abused & the abusers are just as responsible… Great analysis, but, where does it end?
You certainly have a way with words Mr Vaknin, WELL SAID.. "self- hating CHOICE" sums it up in three words. You are the hero to many.
I have yet to hear of someone with Dawn's Syndrome who stalks, abuses, and even murders his or her nearest and dearest. We quarantine people with certain diseases and narcissists should be similarly isolated as a menace to society.
if you accept that the narcissists condition was caused by (in effect) childhood abuse (which he/she did not choose) then theres no moral difference in choosing to care for someone with downs syndrome (physical impairment) and the narcisstic (emotional/mental impairment).
Thank you for this. I created the video: "Borderline Broken Heart by Narcissist", its been 2 1/2 yrs and i finally was able to stop being his "friend" but im with another abuser although he doesnt have Narcisstic traits. Are all abusers considered Narcissistic?
archaic chinese!?!?
Actually, what I meant by that comment was to stay away from people like that & surround yourself with people who can both uplift you as well as create a better circle of social & financial status!
See, this is exactly what the problem is: Your criticism can't remain just straight forward, instead is has to contain deliberate insults. Then don't be surprised when others keep a distance to you.
I know of one victim totally under the control of a violent/abusive narc for several years. She couldn't see his abuse. He was even abusing/beating up her new born baby of 13 months. However sad and depressed she was she would say she still wished to stay with him since she loved him. She was already drowned by the narc and was in great need to be rescued, more so her baby from herself, too.
I believe you are often drawn towards such people because you have little self-esteem and lacking in self-confidence. Often, a homeless person living under a dry bridge may mistake a wrecked hut to be a palace only to discover it leaks all over.
You must be as much a parasite as him.