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The Spineless Golden Child & Enabler Of The Narcissist
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The narcs are no contact for me. I am working on it for the flying monkey/"Golden Child" It is harder for me. Can use suggestions. Ollie's "you don't have to tell them you are going no contact" is going to be my approach. First working on moving out of the area/country. Getting closer and easier everyday must say. And funny I was not the Golden Child because we are a Cuban family and I happen to have blue eyes and blonde hair as a child, now it is brownish. The precursor of my mother's abuse was that I had golden hair and blue eyes and she was envious. Other family members told me this and this is the deal breaker really. my mother did not, she had brown hair brown eyes but light skin nonetheless. My sister was darker than my mother and I think it actually made her feel better about herself. That is why sister was the golden child and I was abused and neglected by my mother. And my stepfather is just a snake, who puppet mastered the whole thing.
Thanks for this.. golden child will acknowledge the crap the scapegoat narc does. But goes back and deals , repeats what I say and back stabs it's so upsetting..
Dead on in every way. Thank God for great people like Ollie ❤️
I thought I was insane or delusional until I watched this. thanks
Well done!
This is so true!
YES, YES, YES! Keep saying it, NO CONTACT. I'm NC with my entire family. Older brother is a Narc, younger sister is BPD and both are never going to stop trying to get validation from our parents. It's sad but the next generation was getting locked up in the roles. It is difficult to walk away from the nephews but they were engaging in the toxic behavior because it was what they saw and it worked. Since I was the scapegoat my children became the scapegoats among the cousins. I could already see the personality disorders forming. Tragic but I could only get my children out of the situation.
what happens if you are a single child and you are dealing with enabling father and narc mother what will the enabler go through when a single child goes no contact?
This is similar to what is happening to me now. I was the golden child for the first 20 years of my life (for my dad and paternal grandmother), and was always my moms scapegoat, and then was turned into a solid scapegoat for the next 20 years. I'm 43 now and have no contact with my parents and younger brother for the past year. I warned my youngest sister that once I put my foot down and no longer allowed abuse, that she would be next in line to be abused. Sure enough, now she's getting abused. Not my problem any more. It's only a matter of time before I will probably have to go no contact with her. She's blaming ME for they're poor treatment of her! She's already trying to re-write MY history that I've age-appropriately shared with my kiddos regarding their grandparents, and I only know this because my 9 and 11 year old kiddos defended me to her and stood up for themselves saying that they too have been abused by their grandparents, and auntie shouldn't change the story!!!
I'd wager the 'golden child' has narc. supplied themselves with flying monkeys aimed at the 'black sheep' …IN family or OUT OF family … a 'golden child' has to find some audience to pretend they have a spine to… it's a psychological imperative for them… it's like storing the emotions/actions they wish they had in other people..
'we have a different relationship' Your brother said that shit to you really after everything that happened to you? That's fucked up.
My father was an extreme narcissist but was prone to extreme violence on a regular basis. My mother used to look the other way to the violence but my brother was def the golden child. As an adult, it came out that he had molested several children when he was a teenager. Even then my mother swept it under the carpet and I realized that my childhood memories of the favoritism were real and not distorted emotions of a kid. Ive been enjoying your videos thoroughly but I have to ask, did your brother realize (had he seen all of your videos through and through) that you had disclosed his molestation? Thats the kind of thing that should go public when the victim wants to. Period.
I've been there so many times with my mother and Golden Child, sister. This is right on about how they are spineless cowards. She would never stand up to my mother, it's sickening! This is the best descriptive video I've ever seen explaining this sick behavior.
The narc therapist at my former church has an enabler husband who is the BIGGEST wimp and follows her around like Quasimodo. He literally looks like he has no spine due to his back giving out and he shuffles around like a human comma which I think is a kind of payback for his selling his soul. He clearly married her for her money so everything she says goes. Its pathetic to watch the enabler of the narc because they have no dignity or self-respect. When this nice church lady therapist turned her wrath on me for dating her son, the enabler followed her lock-step and called me a "tramp" and a "whore." Who is the real whore? The enabler is the minion, the slave, the henchman of the narc so don't count on them to take your side, ever.
I like your videos. They have been of great relief. I hope you are doing well. Narcism is rampant in my family, led primarily by an extremely pathological grandmother. She has literally ruined people, she neglected her husband and handicapped her children/grandchildren. I've been examining the origin of her narc, and it's clear that her mother was a narc as well. after comparing/contrasting what I know about her mother, they are eerily similar. Do you think it's primarily the environment or genetics? I've examined 3 generations and it's clear that a narc mother generally passes that or co-dependent behavior down the line. thoughts?
I don't know what to do, I am about to lose my daughter to my narc mother and sister she is only 9 years old. I finally stood up to my mother about violating my boundaries and the usual in one ear out the other I told her I am done with her now this. They are telling my daughter I am mentally ill and sick now I have false claims of child abuse they just will not stop. Also my husband recently passed away and we have been given over $300,000 I think we are going to have to move away I don't want to take them away from there friends and school but I cant take it anymore what am I gonna do :(
Dear Ollie,
Once the scapegoat leaves, how do you see the roles of the narcissistic 'golden (brother)' and 'mascot/trophy' (enabler/sister) child changing with npd father?
I'm out 7 months – hit bottom. I'm completely cut off now from wider family too. Npd father/sister have made sure I'm totally isolated. From your knowledge and insight -how do you see their relationships dynamics now I'm out? Do you see it as an inevitable expectation that 'golden child' will try to bring the 'scapegoat' back in?
Sounds familiar.
Yes, the Enabler is a LOST CAUSE…, for as long
as they are enabling, they're ENEMY steer clear!!!
The Narcisstic Enabler – Explained in 48 seconds:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNoEdDO3Zrg
It's sad how families are destroyed from within for the satisfaction of the extremely pathological narcissist parent. Both golden children and scapegoats are living the destiny determined by their self-obsessed parents for their self-obsessed parents: the children don't even realize this because it's so deeply engrained in their grown-up way of life from their "family of origin." It can be reversed but takes conscious effort and time of course. Looking into into the "destructive narcissistic pattern" and "children of the self absorbed" (Nina Brown) is a start. As for being spineless: we can hold it against the golden children or we can realize that their parents never gave them the opportunity to develop a spine because the parent demanded his (or her) needs be met by the child.
OMG this is so true…my mouth is still open. I am in shock that you GET IT!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
Ollie, thank you so much for your blunt and down-to-earth videos (sprinkled with some tough love on occasions.) Now I know what to do when my golden child/precious baby sister gets back from her mission in Argentina, and there's no scapegoat sister to be the lightning-rod of emotional abuse. :)
nail on the head, matthew!!! spineless, no balls havin' mother fuckers.
me and my siblings grew up with my uncle. treated us like garbage. called us names, constantly found reasons to berate us, would accuse of shit we weren't doing just so he could yell at us, and he did it all because he was jealous of the attention we were getting from our grandmother, his MOMMY DEAREST. i remember when i was nine, had the flu, and he called me a "bonerack". "why didn't you go to school today?" "i have the flu." "…you're a fucking bonerack, you know that? skinny little fucker, aren't you?"
never dared say any of those things when my father was around. one day he was talking shit to us while we were watching television. my dad came in through the back door and PEW! my uncle was gone! ran away and hid in his room , as if he were never there.
he'd start arguments at bars, but when the guys he was talking shit to told him to step outside to fight, he'd cower by the phone and call my dad and my other uncles to come defend him. never fought his own fights.
and has his "army" too. two of my uncles, including my grandmother, defend him no matter what. he sweet talked my brother into giving him $1,100, but has not yet paid back. tells the whole family that he has and that my brother is lying to them when he says he hasn't. nobody believes my uncle but his "army". won't answer my brother's phone calls, texts, and hides when he shows up at the house.
spinelss, no balls havin' piece of shit who needs to die. no point in him living, fucking none!!!
Thank you for this video. You've helped me understand something that I never ever saw coming. When my younger brother (The Golden Child) broke away various times from our narc mother, I would step in – for various reasons – mostly that someone else finally seemed to get how it is to be me. Or maybe I had hoped he and I could finally have the relationship I'd always wanted. WRONG! I was always, and will continue to be, the real target. My brother is a full-fledged flying monkey and Golden Child. Now I get it. Whatever made him go no contact several times had nothing to do with him and her and their sick relationship. But it was the perfect excuse to swing those guns around on me when I stepped in. The narc does indeed need their supply and, when I was no longer available, our narc mother turned on her own Golden Child. But just long enough to see if she could drag me (the real target) back into the picture and get all the blame back where it really belonged. My mother has been dead 4 years today (complications from Alzheimer's) and I have been no contact with my Golden Child younger brother for almost 2 years. I waver sometimes, when I think I miss him, but I end up staying no contact. Sadly, it is the only way. Again, many thanks for clarifying something for me!!!!
I was the scapegoat ..my sister was the golden child..but it also was interchangeable based on age and circumstances…basically whomever my mom could control was the golden child..my poor sister's ENTIRE identity was erased..she had no idea who she was ..what she wanted ..at all..I got out and left in my teen years ..and would come back to fight for her..even though she was 5 years my senior..my family is cursed by narcissism ..my grandmother,mother ..who knows how far it goes ..when i was young i didn't have the terminology for it..i just remember that i felt suicidal..and needed to get away..this is why years later you finally "get it" and you are in your 30s,40s or maybe even 50s and it feels like you have to reparent yourself all over again..
6:40 its crazy how you said that the Golden child has no spine yet sometimes like in my case, the Golden child in my family would verbally abuse me and then call ME the spineless one with "no life skills", "coward" among many other nasty things she said via text. The very things they say you are, are what THEY really are and showing themselves to be aka projection. Insane and evil. My sister (golden child) is a real cunt and the things she have said and done so far were/are by CHOICE, she is a grown woman not a child anymore and she chose/chooses to be vile and disgusting towards me and takes great pleasure in making me the bad guy that "is no longer part of 'her loving family'" She even uses the term "MY family" like its hers and not mine. I mean extremely toxic. Yeah "loving family" of course because I totally deserve to be talked down to condescendingly and disrespectfully by her and verbally and physically attacked by my NPD mother that whenever my mother gets into a fit of rage and I defend myself from her, afterwards my sister "The Golden Child" would come back to attack me in text not even call, tells me that "No matter what", I cannot have kids (she refers to my 2 prev miscarriages, yep!), get a job (I told her once I got fired from a job where I was being sexually harassed and came forth with it to my former supervisor), or keep a man (I have been knowingly having trouble with what turned out to be an NPD ex bf to who I am no longer with) and to "remember that!" whenever I "open my big mouth" to our mother, Yeah that's a really "Loving" family alright!! I am totally gonna be missing out on how nurturing, functional, and lovingly my family behave towards one another and especially towards me!!! smdfh
Wow ! That's some deep stuff! I am just starting to go no contact after suffering from many years of narcissistic abuse, and you have summarized in a damn nutshell the cycle of crap I have put up with my whole life. Always trying to get the golden child or anyone else for that matter to be on my side. Thank you! Thank you for saying this!
I didn't know what narcissism was until recently. thank you for your videos and courage to share.
Dealing with this all my life and to this day. Don't know how to break contact with the golden child and enablers smh
The abusers will use anyone in the family, or even acquaintances to try and drag you back to their drama. That has been my experience for years. It's best to cut all ties, and as you said in another video, when they bad mouth you to others, don't let it get to you. If the people listen to their lies and believe them they are people you don't want around you anyways. Love your videos. I do take away something from each one. I am hoping this was not your last one.
If I were you, I would still send your kid birthday cards and holiday cards (buy two sets-one you send and one you keep). The ones you keep, put them somewhere safe and the one day when your kid has a choice, you can show your kid the cards you kept. It will mean a lot. If your ex is throwing away your letters and cards, this is your way of proving that you did try to contact your child. Watch the movie "The Colour Purple"; that evil character in the movie withheld Whoopi's letters (the ones her sister had sent her) and when she found them, it was healing to her. Just my opinion.
You cannot over emphasise NO CONTACT, Ollie! I really appreciate hearing it especially now that am going home for my leave. I know my defences will be down because I have missed seeing my family and I definitely will be found vulnerable when they ask me if I have gone to see my mum. So, keep saying it by all means! :)
Thank you Ollie! I am a 43 year old veteran of Narcissistic Abuse at the primary hands of my parents, though a newbie to finally understanding personality disorders and what happened to me. I love all your videos, but this is my first comment to any. I appreciate your vulnerability, truth, research and practical advice. I am the first of 3 children, and NOW I know who the golden child is in my family…it wasn't me. Lol! I'm beat up for sure, but I'm still standing with a caring heart and a thinking brain. I am encouraged by your repetition of "No Contact" advice and look forward to making my own testimony videos for myself as part of my own healing process. We'll see where that leads me…I am so thankful for you and a few of the other awesome trail blazers regarding exposing Narcissism for what it is, and how the survivor can heal and how we can help raise the next generation of children in a healthier way. All God's mercy, grace and blessings to you!
Hi Ollie,
I discovered this today this woman narcissistic parents tried to bully their way to get invited into her wedding and this is the invitation she sent them. http://imgur.com/sAs0oxr Epic.
Just rewatched this video because someone made a comment on one of my earlier comments. This reminds me of the few times my golden-child sister would turn to me to for support and comfort when her and my narc mom would get in a fight. I would always fall for it because I thought "oh good someone else sees what I see". But sure enough they would make up and I would be in the dark again. When I would come to my sister for comfort and support after my mom railed me my sister would be like "how dare you go against mom". I would bring up to her that I was there for her when her and mom were if a fight and all I would get from her was silence. I've even called my sis out in front of my mom saying "you should see the things your precious daughter says about you when you're not around". Nothing worked.. those two always had each other's backs.
I have a narcissistic brother and sister. I do not think giving advice to cut off family is the answer. Bring Christ into the discussion and then you can find a path….. the only path.
your videos are so good and helpful. Thanks a lot.
It's identical to my family as well…. Yep, nailed it…. I'm gonna have to cut my ties sibs; they're already "falling away" from me going NC with NM. It's all so true….. and yep, we all have issues…. It's crazy, but I'm thrilled to be aware. Thank you.
This is something I've started noticing. We mistaken the behaviors of narcs and enablers since we compare to our own empathetic behavior. Like Ollie said we mistaken the golden child coming to us as a sign that they acknowledged our abuse and that they turned on the abusers. No they are just looking for allies against the abusers. Then they throw you under the bus.
Naw I don't agree, I don't discuss one with the other, the G — already knows the Narc their not unsensitive to what is happening, but their is a look that you give to one another when attacks are going on that is understood, no stabbing in the back afterward, it's not required, just passed over.
I am an only child of a narcissistic mother, and played the role of golden child, lost child, and scapegoat. Unfortunately I also carry all traits from these different times of abuse. I am over 4 months no contact now, and I truly believe that the only reason I had the balls to go no contact was because I am an only child!
Being the scapegoat in the family is hard, learning about scapegoating helped me a lot. Dysfunctional families eat the scapegoat of the family to make themselves feel better. One example: my brother and sister like to gossip about me to relatives, when I'm around my relatives they treat me mean or laugh at me. Triangling is another thing I had a problem with, i learned not to play the drama triangle with them.
I Am glad You survived You are helping others I wish You a great Holiday and God Bless You