Some narcissists seem totally self-absorbed and arrogant, but other narcissists seem incredibly giving, loving, and caring. They may even be held in high regard …
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Can A Narcissist Be Loving?
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Exctlly my case
mine was altruistic narcissistt.that's why when I found out about narcissist I told to myself " that will explain all of these cycles of our relationship, that will explain everything that happened , that makes sense", but on the otheer way he cannot be a narcissist, cause he is giving, he cares about others he seems so selfless, he prays to god, …….
Thank you for sharing what's "normal" and not "normal" and the difference. The cycle of violence is described so well. I think anyone that has experience this will truly relate to this. It is primarily because the narcissist can be so loving that one has such difficult time getting out. Thank you for also being clear what consequences are there on a person that stays trapped in such relationship. It can take years before one realizes she or he is in such relationship. Thank you for such great video, specially the end of it.
Really great one Melanie! This 'decent' aspect of a narcissist is so so confusing. Been through is in such a shattering way and the guilt it caused was extremely painful. Now I repeat an affirmation every day concerning guilt and it has reprogrammed my mind.
My same story, just unbelievable, left two weeks ago, hiding right now because how dare I had the nerves to leave him, so he wants to kill me, it's so so overwhelming, that some times I feel like I really don't care anymore if he kills me, it's so much that you can fight, so it got to the point that I'm out of energy, I feel that this person drained all.
thank you! it has helped so much! I already knew he was very financially abusive, but the psychological abuse, the control freak nature, the prison I am in, I did not know how to explain it. I started working on myself, then found you and other wonderful people. You have explained my pain perfectly. From a prince charming to Dracula…. really. a beast. And the kind who longs to have the world think he is a saint. Its sickening. Everything you teach is so true. I cant change him, But I can change myself. Having his kids, and he makes the money, so he has me on a leash, but I will break free.
Spot on for my experience with the covert/altruistic narcissist I know…so sad…
A narcissist will be very "loving" with anyone they think is in some kind of servitude to them that is, to anyone who is willing to do the narcissist's will. If they are not or can not use you, they will not "love" you because they cannot use you.
yes I did default back to they cant be-but then would be again, with selfishness that was brutal AND scary.
This video nailed my situation perfectly. I couldn't help but cry when you started talking about the cycle at the end. Thank you for posting these. He has called me his soul mate, the most beautiful woman in the world, says he'll never find someone like me, is super giving in intimate situations… and then turns around and his actions are horrendous. When I try to set boundaries he has a 5 year old fit and turns his phone off because he can't handle it and I've "hurt him" and he spins tales about me to his family. This relationship is over. And now I know to never go back.
Thank u for this. U are able to explain and reassure me of my situation and how to understand it
Thank you SOOOOO much Melanie.
Yes! I was in a relationship with a uniting church minister, who I found out was also a sex addict, but convinced me he was well, didn't act out, till I realised he was acting out on me, and was courting other more suitable Christian woman!
Melanie, a question for you…what you have described as an altruistic narcissist left me feeling confused…when you are the one left paying the mortgage after your partner promised to pay towards but never did because he had 2 ex wives and 4 children, partner never ever paid anything towards the food bill but happy to come home to a nice dinner every evening, partner never paid the power bill, insurance or cable tv, went out 3 times a week to catch up with his children but never took me anywhere…not even a walk down the beach 5 minutes away…He transferred me 3 hours away from my friends and family so Christmas Day was always a doozy for me as he set off in the morning to pick up one child from previous relationship to go to one of his 3 adult children's home to eat Christmas lunch with ex wife No. 1. Blew all my retirement fund on this relationship to keep my fantasy shell of a life alive…lost it frequently with him over a period of six years….each time was met with 5 days of silent treatment…he eventually walked out leaving me with a mortgage I could not afford to meet blaming his departure on my "sessions". Felt used and became someone I did not want to be. Does this make me an altruistic narcissist ? Cause and effect ?
This is so important- we MUST take responsibility for what we contribute to this cycle. I am so glad I met my Narc- it was the first time I was ever in love- he broke my heart open— life was technicolour!
BUT— it was acid technicolour— now after being apart for three months he wants to see me- I will see him- I love him- I love him as he is– I love me as well- I wish him no harm as we are the same coin different sides. I just might be one of the few that get closure as I get to talk to him and tell him why I do not want to have a relationship with him- wish him well and thank him for what I have learned about myself!
You are a treasure!
man. i'm speechless. complete package, hook line and sinker several times. much thanks for this well articulated description.
this is the part that's killing me now. The beautiful happy loving times. It's deeply confusing. I found the idealise, devalue, discard was a constant cycle ongoing within the relationship.. more evident during stressy times but that's most of the time. I feel guilty for getting adrenal fatigue and not trusting him when I believe he was ultimately faithful to me (after a rocky start- not typical) for atleast a year and half. That is confusing too… the redeeming stuff. He could never own up and be accountable though. Never. He just expected me to decide to trust him and get on with it. We could never talk about the hurt I carried from our early days as he would just crush the attempt to resolve with anger, breathtaking manipulation, blaming, lecturing and then the yelling. He said his good behavior/faithfulness and commitment was his amends to me.
I'm completely addicted and suffering a great deal right now.The intermittent reinforcement. To realise the love was not love. And then feel guilty that I still feel it was me that didn't try hard enough at the end when he seemed to be (for a week at a time) I got tired and jaded. He was pathologically selfish but had little holidays from this… kept me in there. I'm devastated, broken.. he's only been gone 6 days. I allowed it (him leaving) to happen and still my deep abandonment issues are running riot. he would always threaten to leave and I would rescue. I'm haunted, hardly functioning. Feels like intense love and longing for him. He has rejected me coldly when I texted so I will not again. He knows I'm all used up… but he will reframe it all as him as a victim.
All your dumb videos do is encourage clueless people to diagnose others and make undeserved assumptions about them. How often do you read in these comments, "OMG, this sounds just like my husband!" If you're honest you'll admit that only an in-person diagnosis by a psychologist will identify someone with NPD. Your videos just inject chaos and instability into relationships and make situations worse. There is a broad spectrum of symptoms within narcissism, and the average stupid YouTube viewer is not going to be able to take any sort of meaningful action based on these irresponsible videos.
You are amazing. I appreciate you making these videos. One of the only people that come from a spiritual place instead of putting others that meet and attract narcissists in a victim role. Keep shining.
They can be very loving when they want something,, then when they get it quickly goes back to you being a stranger and intruder in their lives.
Thank you so much for your knowledge and guidance Melanie. <3 To have some understanding and clarity on coping with my narcissist parent who I feel is very destructive in my life (and that of my kids) is really, really helpful as it will empower me to get a grip of myself and stop expecting them to change or cure my pain. I need to raise the bar on my own stability of emotion and healing… It's a new journey for me and I am so excited about being able to deal with it outside of my EGO state. You're amazing, keep up the good work! I will watch all your videos for sure. x
Worst thing for me is the Bishops, Vicars and religious leaders who are Narcissists. Nothing to do with Jesus. Its taken me 30 years to realize and that has come from You tube the last 2 years. 60 years to see my fathers narcissism. I hope it is quicker for people in the future.
MY GOOD LORD. if knew any of this before. sooooo bloody on point. I've been doing some research into this over the last few days. And I have never been so wide awake. 2014 – was the worst time of life. and my mental break down in new year 2015 – makes sense now. Thank god for spiritual healing. And thank for the goodness for videos/education like this. THANK YOU!!!! <3
Trying to make sense…. doesn't really work. It's like putting a puzzle together from numerous bits and pieces from other puzzles. Try as you like, it won't come together. Not at least, from within the context of the relationship. Narcs will have you believe EVERYTHING you do is wrong and everything THEY do is because of something YOU did (which, of course, was wrong). My experience with a Narc was rather short because even though I struggle with my own doubts, insecurities, weaknesses, etc. I must've mustered up enough self love to keep her from "owning" my life. When she saw this, she dropped me like a hot poker. You might think I rejoiced but it REALLY hurt. A LOT!
Took me four years of being beaten' down and told I was was the crazy broken and being driven to the point of believing I was the insane, broken and useless creature he said I was. You have explained him to a T in this video!!!! Well I took my power back and he still tries but I am growing a little everyday. Its an experience you can't possible understand if you have never been in love with a narcissist, it like nothing you will ever experience but once you break free of the emotional manipulation and lies and brainwashing little light bulbs light up everyday and you understand more and more. It took his serial cheating and attempts to deny it over and over for me to wake up based on his risky my health to have sexual hook ups with women he met online. He still denies it to this day even though I have proof. He turned all his friends against me. But I don't care I know the truth and I AM FREE!!
Melanie I think I really need help with this. I'm very confused about this all.. I've dealt with a lot of my childhood issues. I speak quite freely about them and what I have been through. I also speak about my feelings more often than most people want to even hear at times. I'm still so confused about what happened to me with one girl that I loved and wanted to be with so much. I did a lot of things for her and treated her well I made a song for her. I always wanted to be with her. I'm wondering if I'm the narsissist but I don'tthink so. I didn't cheat on her. I was good to my word and I'd do the same thing for any girl I met or really wanted to be with.. I just really loved this girl. She said she loved me, she would always tell me that I made her feel good and she appreciated my sensitivities but then would dissapear for a few days or longer, said we would go out and then broke plans, saying she couldn't make plans but then she could drop everything to go out with another guy. She say she needed space so I'd give it to her. She says she never was with anyone else but I don't think she was telling the truth. She would drop bombs on me at the last minute, she would have sex with me and then see another guy. telling me they were just friends. She broke another date that night. She made me out to be crazy and I was too emotionally needy yet she always said I'm strong and I'll be ok.. It's like I was in such a bad trap. She was so selfish and hurtful. Alll of the abandoning and rejecting even when I was trying to communicate with her. I still believe that she did love me and I'm so confused and I have no answers. She lied to me about friendship too. I said I would be more honest with her but she couldn't handle it. Loosing what I thought was going to be a beautiful life long friendship was harder than the break up. I felt so isolated confused and lost so many friends because of it. She made me out to be the enemy. I was angry Melanie and proably looked like an asshole. Even the police lady heard me in tears when I tried to give back her art stuff. She use to tell me how important it was to her but the officers said she didn't want it back. It was tormenting and heartbreaking. I did everything I could not to hurt her but it's like she needed to hurt me back and I'm not sure why. I think she did care about me a lot and got scared to have something real in her life. Maybe for the first time she did feel that love and didn't know how to handle someone genuinely caring about her for her. She was in tears when she left. I'm still so confused. To me she was the most beautiful girl in the world. She just never seemed to want to care about my feelings or how I was doing only once I think she did because she felt guilty. So confused with what happened to me. Now I'm thinking I'm the Narsist for treating her well. but then again I just wanted to be with her and maybe I'm just nieve for believing the lies. I never lied to her about anything. I even told her that her behaviors hurt me. I still miss her and feel like I deserve some answers. I feel like she was really wrong and made me out to be some kinda monster. i'd never been so angry in my life as I was after being with her. She was full of lies. i don't even know if her tragic story was true or just a ploy to hook me in and give her sympathy. I wish i had anserws to this it still bothers me. I always treat girls well. I feel like I am the one being taken advantage of. Women have changed a lot. I think they abuse there sex powers and treat alot of guys like crap now a days. They just dispose of guys like we are there objects. They treat us like we don't matter anymore. At least us good ones and then they go with the guys that beat them up and yell at them all the time, or have no abillty to talk about there feelings. I am upset. I see that you are a good women but where are the women with values and respect. They seem to take from man now and I don't know why. Seriously society and hollywood has taken good women and destroyed there souls young girls now a days are just being corrupt by bad tv , sexual exploitation and drugs and booze. It's like so many humans are disconnected from themselves, nature, and the people of this planet. I think beyond narsiscm there is just a whole lot of selfish people. This is what money, entertainment(violent sport, video games, and making fun of others on you tube, or in public ) Causing descent amongst different colored people or picking on peoples suffering.. We lack compassion and true unselfish love for each other. All these screwed up forms of entertainment have infiltrated our minds our minds to think selfishly and to become short sighted. We need to learn, grow, and evolve and help one another. Funny thing they teach us Math equations but they don't teach us how to love and respect one another in our schools the funny thing I haven't finished high school but I have found a way to get a university education for a whole 10 dollars but I will recieve no degree for thinking freely or learning about anything I believe would benefit me and potentially others in the future. I'm just glad I couldn't watch TV when I was young. Besides the Beach, the Library is my favorite place. It's amazing how little people actually go there anymore. I hope everyone who watches this video or more in the realm of self improvement and evolving as a human, will be healed ,walk in strength , beautifulness and love the rest of your lives. I hope we will all be able to do the world some good. I can only hope for so many hearts on this planet to heal. Thank you for using your women powers for good Melanie
I think Melanie is a narcissist
exactly about my father….
Thank you very much! My GF is narcissist and at times she is lovely but unfortunately she is programmed to generate chaos from time to time, is a pattern, we have a good week but next week is hell.. should I leave her?
This is so huge. My mind just couldn't hack it when the mask came off because I was showered with fake love all the time and the gap between what she portrayed to be and her actions was so huge, I thought I went insane when trying to bridge that gap trying to make sense out of it all. I understood a lot but to hear it from you from such a deep level of understanding, authenticity and love helps so much!!…..this information is so healing. Thank you
No they can not! Leave them before they totally ruin you and bring you to your lowest level that you can only imagine but, much lower.
Omg now it's clear I dated a woman I thought we were just stubborn for a year say sun she's happy and on Thursday she's pissed off and I'm like wtf made this happen we don't talk for a week. I broke up nov 2014 got therapy mostly to why I date women like this and I'm 42 and I want a better healthy life for myself. I worked 72 hours a week for 8 months to separate myself from her it worked till one day out of the blue she came to my work said she met a man and wanted to know if we were ever gonna date. In my head I haven't talked to u in 8 months and when we dated I couldn't get you to meet me for work for 2 years. So I was like I'm happy for u but I was this bitch is crazy. Then she used sex to pull me in once and then said she's scared we got close to soon lol it was her idea and never did it again I blew off all her advances and phone talks I realized all the games….
Thank you so much for this video