A core trait of a covert narcissist is that they present themselves at a victim, especially when they themselves as victimizing another person. Overt narcissists tend …
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Covert Narcissist Red Flags: They’re Always Presenting Themselves As A Victim
The Narcissist sometimes is the victim
But doesent allow him self to be for you periods
ITs all the same stuff… but leads to families hating one another. I have had to go no contact with my whole family because of two narcissists who couch and triangulate to make sure no one talks to me. I call narcs home wreckers.
Yep. Of course you fall for it, the first time, after that it should be a red flag. "Everyone in my life has abused me! I'm so trusting, vulnerable, blah fuckin, blah". Ya, that only happens to people that have a real hard time with reality.
yes– they use this against you if you call them out!
Excellent!
Google: Judi Grace Storycorps.
If you have a healthy self esteem you are not going to attract a narcissist in your life. That's my opinion.
What's your education in this field?
I'm starting to wake up to my own behavior, and realizing that I do have some traits that I display that I'm wondering if I learned from my mother? Not sure. But I grew up always playing the victim, and I'm just starting to snap out of it, and catch myself for manipulation, and catching myself for playing victim. I'm horrified that I thought that my habits were ok.
I'm starting to wake up to my own behavior, and realizing that I do have some traits that I display that I'm wondering if I learned from my mother? Not sure. But I grew up always playing the victim, and I'm just starting to snap out of it, and catch myself for manipulation, and catching myself for playing victim. I'm horrified that I thought that my habits were ok for my whole life.
I'm starting to wake up to my own behavior, and realizing that I do have some traits that I display that I'm wondering if I learned from my mother? Not sure. But I grew up always playing the victim, and I'm just starting to snap out of it, and catch myself for manipulation, and catching myself for playing victim. I'm horrified that I thought that my habits were ok for my whole life.
Hi Autumn , My 56 year old girlfriend did exactly the same thing your xhusband did when he discarded you ..The projection on me really sucked!! Ty Ed
The covert narc I was with took on the role of victim, omg, such a story of being a victim- but I believe he couldn't say it was his narc mother and was in denial and pointed the finger everywhere else, a teenage girl he had sex with when he was a teen was an abuser, and he made it clear that because of this teen experience he was a wreck that couldn't get over THAT abuse 25 years later. I"m pretty sure it is his malignant narc mother who is his abuser and victimizer but he cannot be conscious of that as he is still under her wicked spell at 47. I believe his family also gas-lights him to look OUT THERE for abuse rather than at them, to keep him under their control. They sure did that with me- Look at HER she is THE abuser , while his flying monkey sister gathered bad things about me to tell the malignant narc mom.Not an excuse for an adult male, but that is what was happening. HE had no chance with a mother and sister like that to ever grow up, they poisoned him with keeping him seeing himself as a victim to make them seem innocent. HE said bizarre things to me like " I have flashbacks and walking down the street holding your hand would be like walking down the street with my abuser" I went off on that one and said what the hell are you talking about- well I didn't know that he was a covert narc then , I wish I did. Wonderful videos and great insight!
I need your thoughts on something, please. Just to give you a little background, my much older sister became my legal guardian when I was 13 years old. My Dad had passed away, and since he was in the Air Force, my sister received an annuity every month for me until I turned 18 years old.
Soon after that, I got letters from the IRS saying I owed on back-taxes because my sister never had the deduction taken from the payments. So here I was, terrified of these threatening letters, I am a teenager still, and my sister just says, "I didn't know it was taxable." Back then, she said this. I had to handle the IRS by myself, until I eventually got a CPA to help me do an offer in compromise. It was a financial hell for me. And so now I want to know why she left me to take care of this alone. None of it was my doing. Btw, I am 42 years old, and it still bothers me.
So I sent her an email yesterday, and I got a response today, and I am copying and pasting them so you can read:
Me:
"There is something gnawing at the back of my mind, and I am hoping you can help me get some resolution.
Do you remember when you were receiving my annuity before I turned 18 years old… And how you filed the taxes for that income incorrectly, which led the IRS to come after me…
Why did you leave me with all of that financial burden and stress? You did not even offer to help me with the payments. It was really traumatic for me as a teenager to have the IRS after me for something that was not my fault at all.
I would really appreciate what you have to say."
My Sister:
"That money was survivor’s benefits and I was told it wasn’t taxable. The fact you never told me the IRS was after you until years later and NEVER asked me for help is not on me. You can’t expect me to help you with something I didn’t know about. And here it is years later and NOW you ask me about it? You have distanced yourself from me and from <other older sister> a long time ago for whatever your reasons are and for me, that’s your issue. Yah, I’m now angry……. I didn’t cause you that stress, you caused it yourself because you didn’t ask for help.
I hope that answers your question."
Me:
""The fact you never told me the IRS was after you until years later and NEVER asked me for help is not on me." This is a bold-faced lie. I was still living with you when I got my first letter!!!! I panicked and went to you first thing. I didn't know what it was all about. When I asked about it, all you said was, "Oh, I didn't know it was taxable." And that was it.
"You can’t expect me to help you with something I didn’t know about." Are you sure you don't want to rethink that? Because that is wrong.
You have not addressed my question. So let me ask it again:
Why did you leave me with all of that financial burden and stress?
As far as my distancing myself, that is a completely separate topic for another conversation."
And so I am waiting for her response.
All through school I never liked hanging with guys it wasnt normal for them to act like bitches after all these years I figured out why. The ones in my life I couldn't get rid of because they needed me to move one with their lives insecurities eating them alive..
Narcs ,sociopaths and psychopaths have this grandiose,superior,macho typ attitude but they all act like they've had plungers up their arces like really. Very trucking dangerous. Me me me.. The plunger has been removed relax you.
This is Spot On,its truly they are Expert Con artists,sneaky ass
My narcissist had an affair, denied it, then said I was abusive for thinking he had an affair. Yep, that's about the size of it…
My narc accused me of gaslighting him when I was sticking to facts during a disagreement.
So you really were the victim. Perhaps you're a narcissist.
Playing the Victim. This is classic of a Covert Narcissist or Narcopath. When I met the ex Narc he was in a destructive relationship with a "nutter" as a result of not being able to deal with the breakdown of his marriage (he had been emailing the girlfriend throughout his marriage I later found).
He told me many terrible things about his ex girlfriend but then I saw an email to her saying that he still wanted to talk to her and have her in his life and it was just me who didnt. Triangulation at its best. He would always talk about how empathic he was, and how he felt too much, he would cry at things on the TV but look at me blankly when I would cry about how his actions were hurting me. He pushed me to point of mental illness with the many things that he did and I had my buttons pushed and almost cemented this view of me.
He also goes to great lengths to look like the victim now, he loses weight, acts hangdog and generally like he has lost the best thing that ever happened to him (indeed, he will even say that to mutual friends) This is all for show though, as he will not give me any explanation as to why he lied, cheated and emotionally abused me- then of course the silent treatment. As we know, a Narcissist is the ultimate hypocrite and liar, they say one thing in public and do the exact opposite in private. I believe the covert Narcissist to be the most dangerous due to them appearing unassuming and hard done by, they prey directly on peoples kindness, good nature and generosity,( what I would call the Dahmer effect) and when they discard you, you are the one who looks and appears crazy, they look as if they are devastated, that also helps them to ensnare their next potential candidate.
Narcissist = HEAD WRECK!!!
I totally agree with you on all of your statements regarding the co-dependent label. Narcissists are co-dependent. They depend on others for all of their supply. The ones they target are ABUSED, not co-dependent.
codependents are the people that are vulnerable emotionally or financially , this is what the narcissist works with first by finding someone like this or creating the circumstance to being dependent. The narcissist is so selfish (black hole) that they try to maintain control in every way possible, that same selfishness comes into the expression of jealousy, control, competitiveness, hate, and playing victim. The best narcissist is a dead one.
It has now been around 8 weeks since the out of the blue break up, i generally had no idea I was a victim untill a few weeks after I researched the bizarre way I was left for another woman days after him being the same old "i love my princess youre my soulmate etc" even during the break up he claimed he was depressed and I tried to help him see I can help him get through it as ive been through depression myself and he said I was trying to make it a competition! When I look back i feel physically sick to think I did not realise how much I was abused. He would claim everyone hates him and his job is rubbish even though I helped him to do well and tried to give him confidence. I came into some money once and planned to put it towards paying off a debt and also secretly a trip for us and his son who is 3 but before he knew what I had planned he slated me and told me I wasnt even thinking about us and our future I planned to waste the money on crap. He made me feel selfish and whenever i
My Dad does this, he says he was hurt by my mom more than me and my brother to Kim, I was so sickened by that, I didn't even know what to say…I told people, like psychiatrists too, my Dad is a sociopath, the whole Narcissism thing, I think is sympathizers to my Dad, trying to minimize and dismiss what he has done to me. Narcissist and Sociopath both fit my Dad , my brother is more just a Narcissist, I think.
I got ambushed by a family member trying to help repair my no contact situation. She calls my mother while I'm visiting and puts it on speaker when I refuse to take the phone and surprise her with a nice phone call. It was like pressing Play on a lifelong narrative that had simply been paused for 10 months. "…I don't know why everybody treats me like this." I left the room.
I really agree with the co dependent thing. In fact, if ANYTHING i have a problem with relationships..i am generally distrustful and dependent adverse. ONLY with my Narcissist did I become co dependent. It was a result of the deep emotional abuse he was able to inflict. Now about 3 years later, I am ready to date again. Still not co-dependent, and I waited this long (with the exception of a few dates off of dating sites the first year) because I wanted to be myself again. |does that sound co dependent to YOU? NO! because Narcissists are so good and making you think u is down and down is up you dont know who you are anymore & the 1st thing they do is get you to give your power away to them. it is not who we are. It was done TO us.
Autumn, I believe that you loved the guy you wanted him to be , not the person he was. Maybe he ruined you for life. Your trust expectation left you invalidated as worth anything. Maybe you need a man with an iron fist in a velvet glove. You do not want a man you can control, just treated fairly and needs filled, what ever they are, who knows. Relating is a social contract where the rules are set in the beginning. no lying no manipulating and no shit test allowed.
yes my ex narc/sociopath was always the victim, his ex was so horrible to him…his kids didnt care about him, his ex lady friends always the ones who had the problem…he was a saint (in his own eyes)…always saying we would get married, until it got close and he didnt want to rush into anything….he always asked about my money situation, how much I had…what were my assets …but he said nothing about his, it was a big secret…never wanted to talk about his money…think he lied about how much he had…so jealous of me, my money, my family, I was a happy person and he could not stand that! he was always depressed and in misery…a loner, no friends, not close with his family, just lots of hookers (male and Female) married women, he even had sex with his own brother's wife, while his brother worked out of state and then made fun of his brother and called him dumb for not knowing. Who does that to your own brother? a sick person that's who!
I have been trolling several of your videos and am now recognizing that I have been the victim of a covert narcissist. I remember being in a counseling session with him and crying because he said I was trying to fake having Rheumatoid Arthritis to gain sympathy to then manipulate him with. He was not even moved by my tears and my confusion about this was really strange to experience. I had been diagnosed by a rheumatologist, dealt with the pain, continued to care for my newborn and toddler, continued to work extra……..(list goes on)……… I did not want to be taken care off just his understanding of what I was experiencing. I felt so betrayed and confused over his accusations of fakery that were so absurd. I then had an epiphany several years later about it. He couldn't handle my RA being real and his image being tarnished that he had not and did not want to be supportive to me. He always portrayed himself to everyone else as the most wonderful husband and father. Of Course, I was confused by that. I couldn't understand how he could say that and be so different at home. Now I get it…..
I'm a Covert Narcissist and the very last thing I present myself as is a victim. I'm counter dependent and fiercely independent. I like to present myself as bullet proof; even though I very fragile! I can't speak for the codependents, though! And, I don't abuse anybody!
The Covert Narcissists tend to change their scripts when they aren't getting what they want.
The are Predators in disguise….period!
This tactic works well for female narcissists against males, because a lot of us are socialized to white knight to some degree. It's funny how neurotic other females made my ex, because they could see right through her. Good point about them believing they're the victim. It makes it feel less like overt manipulation. I'm not sold on the codependency label either. This is the first wounded bird I tried to fix. In fact, if I met this woman a few years earlier, this relationship wouldn't have started, much less lasted this long. Actually, I attracted her, because I wasn't giving her attention. Good stuff. Thanks.
I reject and take offense to any theory, or theorist, seeking to categorize any sector of society as vulnerable or "magnetic" to the manipulations of the conscienceless. The entire premise of their argument is reduced to shreds when the likes of Robert Hare, the preeminent authority on psychopathy, admits his own vulnerability to their otherworldly skill at lying and exploitation. Here's my theory: Narcs are attracted to anyone who will enhance their position, image and financial status. I think they are especially attracted to the brightest and most creative among society. So those of us who are creative, thoughtful and have a developed conscience are going to be targets. It's not because we are co-dependent. Rosenberg is a fraud.
Surely …. You… Jest! A narc. acting like things just happen to them….?
(internet sarcasm)
Reacting to him with anger or rage for blowing you off… Your negative reactions gives him his building blocks for manipulation tactics. Maybe you were overreacting? Maybe your the insecure one? If you did not react with anger, there would be no question or no ammunition for manipulation.