The Easiest Way to Stop Attracting Narcissists

“The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.” – Martha Stout

Recently, I wrote an article for people who feel like they are a magnet for  narcissists , where I covered the traits and beliefs that are likely to attract them, and what to do to stop drawing them into your life.

However, there is another way that will weed them out very quickly. And that is to not show them if you pity or feel sorry for them.

This can be a slightly controversial statement because we’re expected to show compassion and understanding for everyone, no matter what they’ve done. But this attitude is then used by sneaky people to allow them to behave however they want, no matter who they hurt, and escape the consequences by painting themselves as the one who deserves pity (more commonly known as the narcissistic pity-play), while they themselves show none for the people they’ve hurt.

Usually, when a  narcissist  tries to make you feel guilty for not feeling sorry for him, for not having enough ‘understanding’ or ’empathy’, what he really means is that you’re not agreeing with him that he shouldn’t be held accountable for his own actions. Because calling someone out on lying and cheating (for example) is not the same as being without empathy and understanding. When you call them out on their behaviour, they have no way of knowing that you don’t empathize with them or understand them. All they know is that you don’t agree with what they did and that you expect them to take responsibility for it. So don’t allow them to confuse the two. They are not the same thing, and the  narcissist  knows that.

Gaining pity from others is the leverage they use to get through life without having to take the same responsibility any adult is expected to take. Ask yourself if the person who’s suddenly so concerned with empathy and understanding when it comes to themselves, has ever shown any for the people that they’ve hurt? Do they show remorse for the harm they’ve caused others, or is everything suddenly twisted around so that somehow, they become the victim?

They’ll usually try to convince you that you must be a very harsh, judgmental person to hold them accountable for their actions. They’ll try to make you feel so guilty that you’ll back-peddle to prove that you’re a good person. But bear in mind that if they really believed you were incapable of empathy, why would they try to use it as a weapon by claiming you don’t have any? A person without empathy wouldn’t care if someone accused them of having none, so they wouldn’t waste their time with this approach. The very fact that they’re trying to make you feel sorry for them should tell you that not only do they know you have empathy, but they know you have so much of it that they can use it as a weapon against you.

People who genuinely deserve your pity don’t go out of their way to campaign for it. The  narcissist  puts people into two folders; ‘Good’ and ‘Bad’. Be OK with going into the ‘Bad’ folder in a  narcissist’s  mind. The people in the here are the people who stood up to the  narcissist  and actually expect this adult to act like one. They don’t fall over themselves with pity whenever the  narcissist  turns on the crocodile tears after hurting people over and over again.

The people in the  narcissist’s  ‘Good’ folder are the people who make it their singular life’s mission to meet all the  narcissist’s  needs while having none of their own. They’ll do whatever it takes to make life easier for the  narcissist , even sacrificing themselves and other people such as their children to the  narcissist’s  abuse. But no-one stays in the ‘Good’ folder. As soon as you put one foot wrong (for example, not automatically replacing your own reality with the  narcissist’s  when he lies about something you’ve witnessed with your own eyes), you’re going to end up in the first folder anyway, so why not save yourself the trouble and go there right away?

You can have empathy and understanding for someone, and even feel sorry for them, and still expect them to take responsibility and be held accountable for their actions. It’s not an either/or.  Narcissists  love to create false dilemmas and they’re banking on you feeling so guilty and confused that you won’t consider this.

So allow the  narcissists  to weed themselves out of your life by not giving them the pity they demand. What they’re looking for is someone who’ll fall for their sob stories, while giving them the admiration they crave. They are not attracted to people who expect them to take responsibility for their actions, and who don’t think they are so special that they are exempt from accountability. In their minds, no-one can ever pity them or worship enough anyway.

Don’t automatically believe them when they claim to be hurt. Most of the time, they’re not hurt, they’re angry. And even if they are hurt, hurt feelings aren’t some kind of get out of jail free card. By pretending to be hurt, they’re trying to make you feel bad for being so harsh and judgmental towards such a soft, sensitive soul. But if they aren’t too soft and sensitive when it came to repeatedly hurting you or others, then they’re not so soft and sensitive that they need to be shielded from the consequences of their own behaviour.

By all means, have compassion for the  narcissist , from a safe distance. But compassion doesn’t mean tolerating their bad behaviour. Keep that in mind, because a  narcissist  will certainly try to convince you otherwise.