Co-parenting With a Narcissist
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I would do that with my ex's mother. I always knew she would start trying to find the worst in every situation so I never came to her house/showed up anywhere she was at empty handed. I'd make her food, give her little gifts or give her a nice compliment right away to distract her. Those distractions always had a time limit on them though. I had to get out as soon as I could before she would go back to cutting me down and start up the crazy making.
Co-parenting with a narc is just as bad as living with them. I gathered all the strength I had left to leave and divorce him after almost 15years of being with him. Stayed mainly thinking of my kids and being with their dad. He was always the uncle dad, never concerned with mature parenting and a million excuses for why I was to blame. During my period of breaking free, instead of my kids being used indirectly to control me, he started doing things directly…. Faking suicide threats, crying and breaking down and threatening me physically in FRONT of the kids, breaking into my house, planting spyware and GPS, etc. Unfortunately the person I was trying to shield them from played out as he continued for control. Them seeing it was the best and worst thing because it filled the gaps of a lot of "why?" mom was making choices they couldn't understand before. The bad thing, just like anyone who's experienced a narcissistic relationship, is realizing they are a stranger and not who you believed them to be. I feel like I constantly have to worry about their emotional well being with him in their lives.
I had to be honest with myself and the anger, frustration, hurt and pain that I suffered that I took on for over 15 years. I tried my best, but couldn't take it anymore!!! All I saw was myself behind prison bars if this shit continued. I had to let go to move on and remain free. I love my son but its not worth my freedom.
He undermined my authority with our teenage daughter to the point where she was so defiant and disrespectful towards me, I had to drop her off to live with him, now they both regret it. She is now giving him hell
Gifts does not work it's more like being an enabler! the "ray rock technique" works KIND WORD TURNS AWAY WRATH
All of your videos have been very helpful and insightful. Keep up the great work!
The only gift I could see buying the narcissist mother of my kids would be a burial plot.
It is a nightmare co parenting. Schedules are off. I have it down to emails but still the insults, smear campaign, undermining, blaming over a child. Everyday there's always some problem just so the narc can have an opening for attack.
Everything you are saying is spot on. My ex narc husband is what I call "uncle dad". He is a large child and doesn't do the normal parent things like make sure they eat a good meal, brush their teeth, comb their hair, or do homework. When they go to school on a Monday after being with him for the whole weekend they are so tired they can't function in school. They never know if they are going to have "happy dad" for the weekend that wants to go to the amusement park or "raging mad dad" that screams at them constantly. I try to be a stable force in their lives but it is tough being the only adult in this parenting relationship.
Its not in childs best interests to see narcisissist. from first habd experience.the narc affects our psych and later when we grow up in hindsight we wouldnt have done or taken that veiw point i.e they dont let us have our own mind.i had to stabd my ground as child silently.but my mum this and my mum that came out later.have one friend who sees them with you and another who sees them outside.but it doesnt help child get real impression of the parent and it will be "why didnt you tell me"from child.you have to tell the child the truth of how you see the other parent but not "youre just like your father /mother trash." and the child is more perceptive than you think.but even if you do dismiss or play it off the child will get confused.sometimes for the sake of child is with just one parent.dont try to pull us on side we dont take sids and are very astute at seperating.the narcissist will play other women off against mother and or father but child diesnt alqays identify with step parebt as you think.we need to be enpowered to say something against them to confirm our observations.wish some one had openly helped and spoken up for my mum esp another woman.
My advice always keep it civil and only about the child, pick up an drop offs. Hello and goodbye. Dont get involved with their issues. Keep it short and keep it moving
they love to corrupt…so I chose to b the source of stability..kids r noticing more & more who's not doin right..thank God…& THX to u wise Sir!
u r just amazing dear man♥
You don't have to let the children around the Narc do you? I think they really don't want the kids unless they can use them to get at you. I've had friends with an ex Narc spouse and they usually want nothing to do with kids anyway.
In my experience I had to shut down all communication. As long as the narcs are around they will play games no matter what the cost is to you or your child. The goodwill never lasts long..they will want more ..theres always a catch or some kind of humiliation they want to throw your way. I just couldn't deal with it anymore.
thank you so much for you videos! they are beyond helpful right now :)
are you kidding, I wouldn't give my ex N a pot to pass in… gift card lol.. grey rock or no contact is the only way to Co parent. I eventually had to go no contact with my ex, email only so it's all documented.
Interesting. After making a request of my son's father I was emailed, "There is No Joint Custody, there is No Co-parenting!" It doesn't end when divorce is final. Ex-narcopth is Angry that the judge in family court awarded me sole custody. Many problem issues issues remain. I'm being forced to return to court…. Uhhhg! I am doubtful it will Ever end.
I've been accused of using my teenage children as pawns and manipulating them against him, I've tired nothing but to encourage their relationship. They can't stand to see who he's become :(
Very cogent, sound advice. Thanks.
Did not work. Tried having him for dinner 1/week (not visitation, etc…). I tried everything. It actually escalated the situation. Brought me to court 1/week, etc… Only thing that brought any peace was no contact. For the children, that is the only thing that brought any degree of peace.
excellent strategy, thx God I didnt have to parent with an npd.
thats great that you were able to take the high road and that helped the situation.