Everything You Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse – click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html So, you go back to your …
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Giving Narcissist Second Chance
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June 14, 2016.Silly me, I really thought that I could change my Narc. With all the informations I received over the pass few months. For some reason something deep down inside says that I can sit down with my ex(Narc) and reason with this person, for the sake of our family. This was one of the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. I walked away from the Narc feeling more like crap, my Narc shit all over our conversation, and wipe my face in it, no empathy what so ever. And now I feel like I just hit the reset button on my progress. How could I be so stupid and naive after watching all these videos and doing a lot of researches. Please I'm begging you, whatever you do just let it go and move on, it's just not worth it.
Hi Sam. I watched a selection of your talks this evening. Thank you.
Hi Sam, Ive followed you for a couple years now. my delimma is its been 9yrs since I divorce from my abusive ex narc. Everytime he sees me in public, he humiliates me in public. its unwarrented and unwanted. hes remarried and is still bothering me. My counselor says show indifference. I do but he takes this a a go ahead. why is he still thinking he can controll me and what do i do now.
he hurt me with abusive language yesterday after giving him said second chance, said i was the abusive one when i called him out and today is is on a high full on energy I see my pain made him happy, that is almost unbelievable but i never learned Chinese archaic or otherwise thank you SAM!!
Do they refuse to give you closure to come back someday or just as emotional abuse?
Sam very helpful! Thank you
Thanks so much for reminding me why I'm staying no contact
Sam just stopping by to ask a quick question, what's the difference between faith and magical thinking?
Sam's insight and explanation into narcissism is absolutely incredible. This completely describes them. I am currently being as distant as I can peacably be with my narc husband. I do not text or call him, he seems okay with that. He does expect me to be available whenever he calls. Meanwhile I am going about my business and doing what I can with the space he gives me. He told me today he is keeping his distance and not being affectionate because he is guarding his heart. I pray a lot, their ego is so big. He's had some blowups at work, so I do NOT bring up any of our problems right now. He would not be able to handle it.
Haha! Lala- land:) Thanks for grate info! helpful.
OH MY GOD! YOU SAM ARE SO BRILLIANT. 30 YRS MARRIED AND NOW IN MY 6TH YEAR SEPARATED AND FINALLY IN THESE LAST SIX MONTHS ADHERED TO THE NO CONTACT… MAYBE THIS IS WHY WHEN LISTENING TO YOU I NOW CAN SEE AND UNDERSTAND THIS SAD SICK DISEASE.. ITS LIKE SEEING FOR THE FIRST TIME! THANK YOU FOR THE AWAKENING. IT HAS BEEN LIFE SAVING FOR ME FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER FINALLY SEEING THIS ISNT CHANGING AND WONT .. THE PROGRESS MADE IN THE TIMEFRAME WAS SO MINIMAL COMPARED TO THE LIFE AND LIVES IT TOOK GETTING IT.. NOT WORTH IT..
I have always been a sucker for narcs.. I had to learn to be abused very early on, to not end up homeless. As the years passed, I can say that I searched them out, possibly more than they preyed on me. They were my comfort zone, though I had no idea they were abusive (I thought abuse was normal). Now I have their number. They are like demons, they are very harmful. I need not analyze them any longer, they are scumbags. I hate them, and therefore need to not associate with them at all. They are grotesque, pretty much the lowest form of toxin and scum on the face of the Earth. Their destructive behavior is so powerful, they alter the universe with their effects. I am their enemy. Their worst nightmare, because I see them plain as day and have no fear of them what so ever. They are monsters. My guess, is that they reincarnate into the insects and lower forms of life, after their passing. They are runts, in the big picture. They behave lower than most beasts, and very similar to insects. What could be more grotesque than an insect in human form. In the remake version of "The Fly", he became an insect, which ultimately meant a complete narc.. To "find God" is to see yourself as a narc. For those who "found God", good for you. But I know many who are totally absorbed in their own narc existence, I will not associate with them. Life is great without narc association, it is hell with them. When I am stuck with a narc, it is their problem, not mine.
@Julie Daniels Thank you Julie for sharing your story with us. I do hope your children turn out fine. You did the best you could, and only your side of the story counts; because anyone with no conscience; these wolves in sheep's clothing( don't mean to libel wolves and sheep!) have no side of the story to tell!
Hi Lauri; based on your picture you seem to be doing just fine! I was married to a narc for 12 years, and I have been divorced for almost a year now. Thanks to Dr.Sam's book Malignant Narcissism : Self Love Revisited. I gave my ex a narcissistic injury; to make sure she would never contact me again. I hit her where it hurt the most: her gradual fading beauty. I can't say I enjoyed it; it's just that war is war. She dumped me, so I counter- dumped her back. You know narcs; they never forget. Without putting down my ex; she really is like an alien from another world. She is a covert narc; and the whole thing really was a nightmare. Your probably to young to remember Rod Serling's: Twilight Zone, and it really was like starring in my own Twilight Zone movie! Wish you Godspeed! Sincerely, Greg Bernstein
I am confident in my assessment of my sister as a narcissist. For my entire life, she has made me feel "less than", even in abuse from our father! She insists that he was worse to her than to me. To me that is a very sick observation. It is almost as if she is proud of having suffered "more" than I have. Going through life, she has made me a victim of her own disorder. I am 64 now and have had the idea that she might be narcissistic for a long time. She has complained to me of other people "dumping" her because she was too controlling and wanted to be in charge of their lives. After my favorite aunt passed, she told me that only she and my step sister (my aunt's guardian) would be cleaning out my aunt's house, giving me the sign that I was not welcome. This decision was her own and not that of my step sister who welcomed me to help. I had asked if I could take the everyday dishware for my daughter to use as she was low on dishes. My step sister agreed and I offered to pay for them. She insisted I could just take them. When I went to clean on the second day, my sister was sitting at the table and began screaming at me that those dishes were to be sold and the proceeds were for all 13 of the nieces and nephews. My step sister was there and seemed to be in shock. I finally left with just two words and have not talked to my sister since. Since then, I have tried to find out what it was that made her the way she was. I believe this disorder was inherited from my paternal grandmother who, I had heard was very nasty. My aunt was being uncooperative as my sister was her care taker for the day. My sister was frustrated and asked my aunt "Who do you think I am…your mother? My aunt said very clearly for having Alzheimer's, "Yes". This is what started my search for what exactly was my sisters problem. I would like some feedback into this. It would be so helpful to me. I fear that she has begun a friendship with my daughter and sold her some stamping supplies for $100. My sister is a chronic spender. I am nervous for my daughter, but hesitate to get involved.
Putting the narc on probation; you can say that is exactly what I have done. I think he is embarrassed over his failures, and he has expressed a true desire to make things right. A little late, one might say, but at least he is complying. Probation is very important because I am seeking nothing from him any longer; I expect nothing; that is how I cope. If the games start again then it will be his loss; he will have to seek out new supply, because this supply is hitting the road, soon. I came from a position of strength; no nonsense. No matter the diagnosis, it becomes too detrimental to stay in a doomed situation; so the cards are in his lap now. Either grow up and put out some effort to make things right, or live alone. He does not want that.
Just a thought to leave you with: Women are women; programmed to be women; a man is a man; programmed to be a man. Sometimes things just go wrong. A woman is not a woman, according to society if she does not fulfill her obligations to her child or to society. The same with a man. A real man would want to protect his family, after all he didn't have the children, the woman did. But, a narc never sees why he NEEDS to protect his family; think about their safety before having to be told thousands of times, but begging eventually starts to set in with members of a narc family. When dealing with a narc male, they never see their duties; they leave their children in cars that don't function; they don't care who their daughter is dating; they do not care about their son's basketball game; they are MIA, but they want all of the fuss when credit is due. The house is falling apart after so much money effort and finances have gone to secure it, but the narc is "busy" doing what he does, and what is that anyway??? If family; love; connection; goals and purpose mean nothing to them, just what the hell are they doing anyway???? Anyone have a suggestion? I think they are off in some strange world of their own, and I wish my time and life had not been wasted, and that of my family. I will say one thing, that while I save and plan, he can now have his own relationships where he is not covered for holidays; BDs, etc. He can remember on his own; he won't, so it won't matter anyway. I paid for it. No one cares any longer, and if I had married a really GOOD man, I would have the blessings of a GOOD man. Not happening. I am reaping what we have both sown, and it stinks!!! Find a partner who loves other people, not just the self.
I am playing the game, which is what the narc sees a relationship to be. They were never "touched" deep down inside to desire a fulfilling, loving relationship; they do not know what that is. Getting is their purpose; survival. For most, survival is a component, but certainly not the main objective. I do care; I do love; I am a loyal person, and that is why it has been so hard to disengage from the ties emotionally to family and friends; the "obligation", no matter what, to carry it though. If it was real in any sense of the word, I would never have come to this point, but I have, and I know that no matter what; no matter how kind; flattering, and desperate the narc becomes to keep you, it is not out of love, but out of desperation. The best thing to do for a narc is to leave them; that way they can "grow up" and learn what it is to have a relationship built on trust and commitment and goals, not only one person receiving while the other gives it all up, only to realize you will always and forever be the one to surrender to everything and anything while the narc sips his cup of fulfillment in the face of your despair. It has taken 21 years for anyone who might be in the same situation. I am still amazed at the time spanse; I remember being 33 and now I am so much older. Learn from those who wish to tell; don't repeat our mistakes!!! You can do better. Marry with wisdom.
This may be a learning process, but I did confront my narc; my husband. I used immense psychology; a lot of "pity." He bit. He admitted that he has no feelings at all, and I noticed that right off the bat after marrying him. It was sheer hell; put and simple. Duped; abandoned; forgotten, while he played and went about his life. I tried to leave, and having normal relationships in the past, and when it was quite normal to "move on; it was not working." With a normal adult this would have been achievable, but not with a narc. That is when I found myself in physical danger; he did not ever want to be abandoned, even though he really did not give a crap about myself or my child, or anyone in his nuclear family, for that matter. As I stated, it was a learning process. Everyone was duped; "he is so nice and caring; he would never harm anyone, etc." So far from the truth. When the doors are closed and everyone is gone the narc goes into truth mode; "I don't give a damn." Maybe they wish they did; and they will put the effort out to pretend that they do, but in all reality they really don't care about anything at all. As years passed my narc grew tired of failing; buried in debt; impulsive decisions; me leaving constantly, and he having to stalk me; it is actually quite embarrassing because I had no family, and no one could possibly believe me. Then, I had to get wise, like a snake. Actually I thought to myself, "I will copy his behavior and then he will relax." Actually, after years of failed attempts at succeeding; the fear of abandonment; squandering away a heck of a lot of money, he gave all of it to me. You see, he thinks I can no longer escape–yes in many ways he is right, financially I cannot, not yet. But, because of his grandiose illusions he has entrusted me to "bail us out." I am doing that, but I am also stashing a very convenient amount of money away each month; anticipating my departure. It is not my fault that he is deficient in so many ways, and he has cost me everything. He trusts me; and I am trustworthy, but I was trustworthy when I met him and desired a future with him. Why did it not matter then? Why is it only when HE needs something, like being bailed out after so many destructive decisions? I will never be cruel, but I will also love myself and realize how I must do the right thing. These people are not children, but they act like they are. I grew up a long time ago and being married to a child is not a good outcome; no adult wants a child's life. This is all just so weird and eventually humiliating, because the truth is that you are engaged with a mentally ill person. Get out! If you don't you will be a shrink for the rest of your life without any pay. If you do not want to be a shrink without pay start your car; put it in reverse and back out of the situation. They don't care anyway. They will forget you in a week; guaranteed.
DON'T give a narc a second chance ever……..or they will try to destroy you and possibly succeed…….get out fast and dont look back and have NO contact whatsoever with them………no 2nd chances – you are better than that – move on and forget them.
Hi what does it really mean when the narcissist asks you if hes cursed when somthing bad happens to him?
These talks are a life saver for me. I've run out of energy continuing to try to make this relationship work that was doomed from the start. I can't thank you enough for your input. I have been totally destroyed piece by piece.
they can be dangerous, first they will try to alienate you from close relationships.
Oh how I wish I had known about narcissism and psychopathy before spending 22 years married to one. No one understood what I was going through. He always seemed like such a "Nice Guy", to those who didn't know him like I did. I always knew he was an abuser! He called me and my sons, "Worthless pieces of shit"! when he was mad! He punched holes in walls, threw and broke things, said horrible things he could NEVER take back, He was never physically abusive, Yet sometimes I wished he had been! At the time it seemed like if he were a physical abuser I might have had a chance! I could never win in any situation with him. I stayed until my sons were old enough to decide for themselves where they wanted to be. He had always said he would take them away from me and there was NO way I was gonna allow that to happen. It has been a "Hellish" nightmare getting here! My sons are grown now. I see the effects of his influence on my sons! They know now as well as I do what kind of person their father is! Just the other night he and his new live in GF were drinking and fighting as they often do. My youngest was living there, paying rent, etc. He was tired of hearing me being drug through the mud and told his father to stop talking about me and disrespecting me! That resulted in a physical altercation between them, and my son being told to move out, which he did! Had I known then what I do today things may have been entirely different for My sons and I. They are good people inside from what I can see. I also see the possibility of at least one of them turning out to be just like he was. The oldest shows alot of signs of being "Like his father". At risk of sounding like I think Im perfect, or without responsibility, I do not for one minute believe that I had no part in this! I allowed it! I am only now beginning to understand, Thank God I know now!
I think that saying about taking them back couldn't be more true ~~*~~~��> "GIVING A NARCISSIST A SECOND CHANCE IS LIKE GIVING HIM AN EXTRA BULLET FOR HIS GUN BECAUSE HE MISSED YOU THE 1ST TIME!"
Thanks for the info Sam. I can clearly see that I have been giving away bits and pieces of my identity to keep my "interaction" (cracks me up) going. Since he wanted my identity for his own so badly I decided, in a magnanimous burst of generosity, to give him my old identity in it's entirety and create a new one. The new one put hydrogen peroxide in his hairspray after finding out he cheated and left him. Last time I saw him on the street (at a distance) he had Donald Trump colored hair. I felt so sorry for him that I nearly called out to tell him what I had done, but God prevented me from doing so by making me laugh so hard I couldn't get enough breath to speak.
he use to get so jealous that I wasn't with him, I could see it in his eyes.
omg this is exactly what happened! I took the narc back and every time I showed any signs of independence or confrontation he would explode and hang up we live in different states yet he has just as much affect on me as though in the same house or state? mind blowing. You suffer a worst fate when you take them back trust me.
It takes a lot of strength and courage to leave a Narcissist, but it can be done.
But, if you do go back, you are indeed in "la-la land."
Don't go back!
hell no dont take them back the hell with them
Can they get dangerous, if they perceive you hard to handle? Like are these the guys who drug your drinks on a regular basis while in a relationship?
Abuse by proxy! Oh my, that one is a hard one. I went thru that a couple of times and had the frustrating experiencing of trying to convince the person "sent at" me that they were merely a tool in his hands to hurt me. Think of that movie, "Kindergarten Cop". Think of how the ex husband made up stories and got the police chasing his ex-wife for ulterior motives of his own. That is a good example.
Escape from LaLa Land….
At least he's leaving the country and I'll never see him again. But I am having difficulty coming to grips with all of it. I wish the feelings would die! I have never felt so abandoned than by this physcopathic predator. This woman is in for a rude awakening and I feel sorry for her as I do for myself.
Thank you so much for your informative videos. I took that 2nd chance. I thought nobody understands him like I do and nobody understands me like he does. This particular video is a play by play description of what took place in our 2 month reunion. Even though I knew in my heart that this would be how things ended up I never realized they would get this explosive. More so, I never thought someone else could break me to the point of rage. I will never allow this kind of chaos in my life again.
That made me laugh. Very true. I've heard some of the most far fetched embarrassing bullshit come out the mouth of my ex narc. He thinks he's a genius! What a total penis!!!
No-one who hasn't suffered at the hands of the narc can ever begin to understand what it is like. Trying to explain it to others is utterly exhausting and frustrating as most people either totally belittle it or disbelieve or just liken it to some normal trait their partner has which would be an absolute luxury to have to contend with on a day to day basis. Its like being abused again when people disbelieve and wonder why you're so f-cked up just at the end of a mere relationship! x
Hi Joanie – Mine's head is so warped he is thinks I am desperate for him back but HE says he won't take ME back because I am mad. This is coming from a pyschopath. Little does he know I would rather die than go back there. If I had a bloody gun….. They can't stand it if you don't want to know so he is trying to provoke me into a reaction. Not having it. He wants to talk now. Txt saying so – Didn't even warrant an F OFF reply. NO CONTACT!!!! x