Everything You Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse – click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html Isn’t your definition of …
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Narcissist: Is He or Isn’t He?
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I appreciate your videos so much, one question though will a narcissistic man molest children or is that more of a sociopathic man?
Thank you
They lack empathy? I thought they had empathy, but were just too self-absorbed to use it very often?
I think my brother is not at the level of a malignant narcissist. He's got a sense of entitlement, and gets mean when questioned, has had failures and won't admit it, and exploits supply (our mom) and I stay away from them, but I think I might be wrong and maybe he will do what he says he will. I'll give him a few months to see, before I write him off.
My ex NPD used to always say " I need to hear often that I have done good"
Thank you for responding.
I recently broke off a relationship with someone whom I'd been dating for about 6 months and whom I believe was a low level paranoid narcissist. I'm writing this to help others out there recognize the signs:
1. She was quite pretty and always put together perfectly. I never saw her without makeup. I once witnessed her purging after a meal. She seemed obsessed with looking good all the time. She was a neat freak and was critical of me if I wasn't the same way (I keep a clean house, but I'm not obsessed with germs). She lived in an area that had a crime problem (a murder was committed in her complex), but she insisted vociferously it wasn't that bad (I think because she believed it would reflect badly on her if she admitted that the area was lousy, but I speculate).
2. From what I could tell, she did not have any friends (though she claimed to have them, I never saw any evidence of such relationships). She was unfriendly with neighbors. However, she had 3 grown children, all in their twenties, with whom she interacted with on nearly a daily basis. She didn't seem very interested in getting to know any of my friends and when I'd show her pictures of friends and family, she seemed indifferent and didn't appear to care.
3. She hated the fact that an ex of mine is still a good friend. I broke up with this person many years ago and the ex is now married, but this woman despised her, even though she spoke to her maybe once for a period of about 10 minutes. During that 10 minute period, she insisted that my ex insulted her. When she described the behavior that she perceived as the insult, I told her that it didn't sound to me like there was a problem and that maybe she had perceived things incorrectly. She became angry with me and was indignant that I took my ex's side and not her side. I got the sense that she was trying to manipulate me into disliking my friend, who I've known and trusted for years.
4. More than once she insisted that I insulted and disrespected her, though I had not and did not have a reason to. When I once made a joke about a shared experience that we had, she became very upset and said I had disrespected her. I told her that I had not meant to hurt her feelings and apologized, she did not accept the apology and insisted that she knew what I was thinking and that I had meant to insult her.
5. She would get really upset if I didn't respond right away to calls or text messages, but would not always respond to my messages immediately (and I never expected her to). She would act with suspicion if I told her that I went to the neighborhood bar to have a beer. Though I haven't had that many relationships in my lifetime (married once for 8 years and three other short relationships in a 25 year period) and despite my protestations to the contrary, she seemed to believe that I was some sort of playboy, that I only wanted her for casual sex. She made comments more that once about how much better of a person she was than the people I dated or was married to previously, even though she'd never met them.
6. She was a vocational care nurse (the lowest level of nursing) but would always make remarks about how she was so intelligent and how that doctors that she worked with would always seek her advice about the treatment of patients. I learned not have a discussion with her about any medical issues because she would like to pontificate about her level of knowledge in the medical field. She claimed to always get As in school, especially in the sciences.
7. She tended to like to ask the question, "What are you doing that for?" and would complain about the smallest things: "I have to walk that far to get the the gallery?" "How come you're eating so fast?" "You only used hand sanitizer to wash your hands? You need to wash your hands…hand sanitizer doesn't work." "You need to sleep on the side of the bed towards the door."
8. She would become easily irritated or impatient, especially if I had to ask her to repeat herself in a conversation.
9. I paid for every date we ever had. She never offered to (and said she would not) pay for meal. She would not reciprocate by making me dinner or doing anything other than taking what I gave her. She gave complements, but only like they were requirements and without sincerity. Dates were always on her schedule, never on mine. Her being late for any given date was a given.
10. When I went to visit family out of state during the holidays (which I do every year), she told me that I shouldn't go, that I should stay with her during the holidays, and she didn't understand why I was going. We'd only been dating for a few months at that point.
I had to get out and not get caught in this relationship for the long run. When I told her why I broke up with her (mainly because of her negativity, temper, irritation and impatience about things), she showed zero insight, became indignant and was surprised that I would think of her in such manner. She told me she was heartbroken, but insinuated it was because I didn't accept her as she was. I didn't want to discuss her narcissism because it really doesn't do much good to tell a narcissist that their behavior is problematic because they think they're perfect.
He also recently shot our 7 yr old son in the leg with a bb gun, causing him to cry in pain. When I became irate, he said my son and I were overreacting. Prior to that happening, my children were happily playing. I was joyfully singing and listening to music. It was a peaceful day. Then, from the balcony he sniper shot our son. Obviously, the mood was then ruined.
This is a typical conversation with the man who says he loves me and father of my three young children. Based on his responses, could he be a narcissist?
Me: You hurt me when you… (Fill in the blank)
Him: It hurts me that you feel that way.
Me: I feel that way because you disrespected me. Just acknowledge what you did and apologize.
Him: I’m okay with who I am. Nobody’s perfect…blah, blah, blah.
Me: Okay, nobody’s perfect, so acknowledge what you did and apologize so we can move on.
Him: I don’t know what you want from me.
Me: Respect me. Show me you care about my feelings.
Him: I don’t know how to make you happy. (Followed by an inevitable rant about all the ‘good things’ he does).
Me: I tell you what I need and you still don’t care.
Him: I’m just a simple guy. I love my children. I do the best I can…blah, blah, blah.
Me: So you don’t care about my feelings?
Him: If that’s the way you feel.
Me: That’s what you are showing me.
Him: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Please give your best assessment of this dialogue and thank you for your time.
I don't want to be harsh, but I have to say something to address this subject. If you have not suffered possibly decades of dysfunction; pain; sorrow; confusion; family (i.e., children; property; finances; joint anything) it is almost impossible to diagnose a true narcissist. It takes a long time and a lot of pain and suffering and confusion to recognize a true narc. The narc will put on a performance. Unless you are a psychic, you will not see this, and because they are highly skilled at manipulation it would take time to see it; to figure it out. Until you truly involve children; family; career; joint finances, property, etc., it is impossible to detect this, without the evident signs. For most people; you are safe; but if you discern early in a relationship that something is "amiss" and you need time to "contemplate" and "make decisions." you have thought of leaving already, that is a sign, long before the SH (shit happens.) And it will. As people mature they really, truly, desire long-lasting relationships; family. Parties become ridiculous, along with childhood friends. an adult desires security and a place to belong; a place to grow. The narc will never see this, no matter how old. You will die alone, and so will your family, if you wait for a narc to mature. Charm is charm; reality requires much more. Do yourself a favor; hold high standards, and listen to your parent's, if you have any. Life is too short for this, and your subsequent children and extended family will pay for your decision. Hold morality high and be selective; at best. The best advice I can give (unsolicited) is to look for quality; education; morality; parents; genetics; after all, it is a lifetime decision, otherwise we would all be happy alone. Right???
Is he/she a narc? If you do not wonder through experience and pain and loss and torture; probably not. Your significant is probably just a selfish person; or someone you cannot connect to. A true narc is absolutely desperate, and will do anything to keep you, regardless of side-line behaviors, which the narc is not able to control, at least they don't think they can. For most people, it is normal to be used, discarded, and avoided (unfortunately); it is part of life, but when you meet a true narc, they will stop at nothing to keep up an image, most likely presented in early childhood. Forget the flings of the current time; they want the whole gambit; the entirety of being accepted by those they fear they will lose. If you are new to a relationship, think twice before you believe they are a narc, and if you do think it, get out. Most narcs are hiding from parents; children; spouse; etc. They could care less about passing relationships; it is the image to family; to those who know them, and that is when they become dangerous and absolutely will do anything to keep an image, because in the end, people come and go, but not family. That is when a narc can become dangerous. They do know what "moral values" are and they will do anything to persuade other to believe that they have them. The most dangerous narc of all is one with a real family; established over time. They do not want to lose that, even if they never earned it and do not deserve it.
I have not watched this, but I can only say that right off the beginning I knew the reaction could be BS. So many people, coupled with their own troubles, want to believe that automatically, because they "heard it, or suspect it" that they are married to a narcissist, or know one of them. That is just not possible. Some people may have true, legitmate, concerns about stepping into a life-changing relationship with a narc, and the damage it can do, but others are finding it too easy to say, "I am married to a narc" because someone is selfish, or pre-occupied, or truly just doesn't give a damn about you. But a real narcissist is indeed a sick person. They think they are normal; they try to be normal, but they are not. The children; the parents; the spouse; everyone in the immediate family suffers tremendous tragedy; loss; feelings of abandonment. I am trying to engage the "real" sufferers of narcissistic abuse, and it is very, very complicated, and typically involves entire families and the pain and tragedy that ensues from the narc not being culpable in their delusion. Please, if you have only had a "selfish boyfriend" or a disappointment in a relationship or two, it does mean you are involved with a narcissist. Bipolar disorder is diagnosed on every street corner now, as is, apparently, narcissism. This is a tragedy; it affects families; relationships; finances; futures; and, it can take many years to come to terms with. Just because someone is "immature" or "selfish" does not make them a narcissist. A narcissist has a long history behind them of loss, tragedy, and broken hearts. Don't waste your time, unless you have to, thinking you know a true narc if you don't. You will have such a terrible broken heart, and so will extended family members if indeed you are married to or know a true narc. For the rest, sigh a sign of relief; it is probably not your case. Thank God.
What about a person with these traits-
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Requires excessive admiration
Is interpersonally exploitative, takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends (but doesn't see it as taking advantage, he rather feels people are lucky to be in his story)
Is eccentric with his cars and clothes
Is constantly working on the next big thing which encompasses grandiose delusions such as being chosen as the next biblical savior, marrying a celebrity he has never met, etc)
Doesn't take direction or help from others but rather pays people to be in his life and then is erratic and demanding
Is constantly repetitive verbally about his delusions and is shocked and angry if others tell him to stop talking about it
Chases love very extravagantly with tons of creativity, expense, and convincing and then literally runs away once he has it
Oversteps others boundaries constantly and if in turn they become irritated or verbally aggressive, he reprimands them for not talking kindly to him and will not acknowledge or take responsibility for his inappropriate behavior
Exhausts every person that knows him and then gets extremely depressed and suicidal when no one will talk to him
Is he narcissistic with grandiose delusions?
i hope i am not one ! i think i am borderline if anything
Thanks for those, they are very helpful and informative.
Dear Mr. Vaknin, sometimes you refer to Narcissists like their personas are cast in stone. I dated two (beautiful) woman both of whom lacked in empathy, insight, ability to recognise irony and both were bloody self-centred. Neither seemed aloof or magnanimous or entertained notions of grandeur, both were/are devastatingly beautiful with drop dead gorgeous figures but failed to recognise their god given assets. BOTH loved being told they were loved and were passionate and wild (but selfish) lovers – but who cared..? Both women had been physically abused at the hands of their (former) husbands but, because of fear, I believe they behaved better and more lovingly and givingly than they did with me. As one pinched my cheek, I protested with," If you'd done that to your husband, he'd have beaten you up!" She responded with, "I know, darling, that's why I'm doing it to you!" My assertion is whether they were narcissists or just being cruel/ calculating – their behaviour can be modified to fit the occasion. I keep reading the one you lose the narcissist to ends up getting much the same treatment after the honeymoon period but I'm not convinced. Don't you think it's more varied than that? Thanks for your informative videos and thought provoking material.
Sounds very much like my mum and daughter!
@Sam Vaknin I can relate to nearly everything except the part where narcissists feel as other people are two dimensional. I do respect other people's goals/dreams. – On another note, whenever I obtain a woman that I feel like I loved, the feelings tend to fade afterwards. I think it's because of my big ego. Does that make me narcissistic??
I used to have a narcissist who regularly 'chased' me. He was convinced that I loved him in return, even when I categorically told him I didn't find him remotely romantically or sexually attractive. I was 16 when we first met. He was 35. I kept telling him to go away and leave me alone since I was not interested. He stole a video of me and some friends and kept telephoning me, asking me to meet him so he could return it. When I agreed to meet him, he'd never have the video. He was keeping the video as 'hostage' so that he could 'demand' to meet me at will. Whenever I told him that he could keep the video as long as he left me alone, he'd say, "One day, you'll realise that I'm better than all the other guys and you'll want me." He'd go away for 3 months and then come back, as if he was expecting me to hold my arms out for him desperately happy that he's back but I never was. This went on for 7 years until I left home and specifically told my parents never to tell him any information on my whereabouts. He is one deluded, arrogant piece of work.
Thank you much for posting these outstanding, worldclass mini-lectures on this very pertinent topic!
Tim kept telling me how great he was and that he was god. He told me how every girl he had intercourse with always had an organism. He told me constantly how good looking he was and how he could get another girl. He would sabotage my possessions by wrecking them and making out it was an accident. I had a dog and it went missing twice when I was with him and the second time it was nevwer seen again and then 2 weeks later he tried to kill me. I had some sheep on my rural property and 3 were shot. I had possessions which were stolen from my rural property as well. I had not had problems like the ones mentioned until I met him. He deluded me into thinking he was a nice person but I found out too late that he didn't respect the law or respect the truth. I was financially secure until I met him and now I am struggling from fortnight to fortnight because he convinced me to leave my job so we could become a "legitimate couple" as he put it as he was on DSP. He constantly threatened to kill me or smash my head in when he was in weird moods. He would punish me by ignoring me and going out or coming home late. I was left as the constant care giver to his son. Once he decided to get rid of me which took him approximately 3 mths, and after he had secured another girl for his narcissistic supply, he used any excuse to break up and even embellish situations so they sounded worse than they were. He went into desperate mode and then constantly abused me nearly on a daily basis until he got an opportunity to get rid of me and try to kill me.
the description fits my manager to a T ! the question is how do I survive his attentions. So far I feel strong enough to ignore the attacks but a day will come when I will react.
+Sam Vaknin When you said "unable or UNWILLING to emphasize". Aren't these 2 very different things? If someone is unable to emphasize that's one thing, but is it not totally another if one is unwilling to (does that mean he actually can feel shame/guilt/guilt feelings). Thanks.
He is probably a narcissistic psychopath
Lol i like your to the point nature
This was a narcissist and not a psychopath? Not that its my business, good luck!
Me? I met up with the wrong guy – seemed totally charming – at first…..Ultimately what did I do? I left him – he does not like people who leave – that means he is not in charge and also ended up testifying against him in court – he lost – he does not deal well with losing.
Wow, um, good luck. Jeez. What could you have possibly done?