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Red Flag of a Narcissist #14: Flashes of Inappropriate Emotion
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My ex who's a narc could cry on cue. He's pretty good at crying at the times when it's "appropriate", although he missed the mark sometimes. He also did all the other stuff you mention though. Especially the rages. Dear Lord, the rages. They were very bad and I never knew what would set him off. Anything could. And I didn't really notice that they didn't start until after I was hooked into the relationship, but that's true! Also, he tended to laugh at totally inappropriate moments. That was almost worse than the other things. He did laugh at horror movies. And he also laughed when he would mention hitting motorcyclists on the road (that totally isn't funny!) And many, many times when I would be trying to talk about something serious or would be trying to have a conversation about my childhood or something terrible that had happened to me, I'd look at him and he would be smiling or shaking with laughter. I would get upset and be like, why are you laughing? He always said he had just thought of something else….but either way, it was so disturbing and not normal.
Mine cried all the time about everything. At first I was touched. Eventually I (correctly) thought he was crazy. And he would withhold laughter when someone else said something funny, though he was quite humorous himself.
The worst thing about a narcissist is when you ask them "Why are you so cruel to me? What had I ever done to you?", they're answer? "I'm not being cruel I just have a high voice get used of it" though it's more than that they tell they get angry in an unreasonable reason, they don't care if you cry the more proud they are to themselves when you cry because of they're hurtful approach to you. You're trying to be kind be very loving and caring but they'll never see that in you.
The ex fake cried. I was trying to break it off and she wrapped her arms around me and started crying, the gasping, shoulders going, like in a state of tragic grief and wouldnt let me pull back to see her face, she was clamped on like a vise. When I eventually did after about 5 minutes…her eyes were dry as a bone, not one tear and not even red… I'll never forget that.
His mother was on her death bed (near quad paralyzed from MS) and asperated. He laughed.
Thank you so much for this series; it's incredibly validating.
I'm married to the son of a narc woman, and while he's not a narc he most definitely has FLEAS. He does the fake crying thing fairly often, which is unsettling for me. Do you have any advice or practice tactics for handling this when it happens? Because it's awful and my impulse is to call it out. Thank you again!
My husband is a narc, he is very close to his mother but manipulated her big style. (and also resents her for having neglected him).
Dana – I know this is a very serious topic and your videos have helped me A LOT, but I also have to say, you are so funny and likeable – I love your videos
OMG the fake crying thing!
Being raised by an Nparent makes it easy to feel like specific crazy behaviours are just part of the natural landscape of reality.
But gosh!, so true, such a reptillian like cry… watching you as they fake crocodile, snake-like tears geez LOL! and they make it stop so fast too! hahah
I'm pretty sure the last guy I dated was a narcissist. He would often be laughing for no reason when he answered the phone or walked through my door. I always thought it was so odd. Now it makes sense!
I've seen my narcissist fake cry
The perfect example is I suffer from RSD, and my feet stay in a burning on fire state 24/7, and they swell up a lot. When he would come home from work and ask me how was my day even though he already knows what my days are like. He would start laughing while I was in the middle of telling him my feet are on fire.
He is a narcissist and also has PTSD. When he told me he was going to try to get his ex-wife get him to help him with clearing the divorce situation early, he approached her with a wound. I should have known then. He has done all of the things you have talked about from fake crying to real crying to extreme calm…He has leveraged both of his sicknesses and it has been obvious now that I understand they have no motive. They are just very scared and don't have empathy for anyone
Mine would practice crying during movies.
I once knew a narcissist, he was a Christian minister of some evangelical cult, I would imagine he still is because he is not dead as far as I know and it's funny you say that narcissists tend to laugh at things that shouldn't be funny, like we were watching hellraiser over his house and he was laughing at it, now okay granted, it's only a movie, it's not real, but that's not the point, the point is hellraiser is a gruesome horror film, it's a horror, it's a disgusting movie and therefore is not a comedy and he was laughing at it, I am so happy he is out of my life though, he used to belittle me all the time and use his family against me and turn other people against me to, when in fact I was the victim of his egotistical behaviour. He is a Man that I want to avoid like the plague.
my ex didn't drive badly, but he did drive recklessly and speed a lot..
my ex never laughed…
my ex had an eerie state of calm most of the time..
TALKING ABOUT INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR …. HOW ABOUT BEING OBSESSED ABOUT PROGRAMS LIKE HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER ! AND WATCHING OVER AND OVER AGAIN BLOODY MOVIES JUST MADE ME SICK ! OR BOXING I ALWAYS SAID TO HIM HOW CAN YOU ENJOY WATCHING 2 RATIONAL BEENS HURTING .?
Dana, I'm loving your videos on narcissism and have learned so much!! I'm curious…my ex is diagnosed narcissist bi-polar which he surprisingly revealed to me two or three times…I didn't know much about all the traits until after we broke up and I started watching your videos…along with the narcissism he also has been diagnosed with aspergers syndrome…have you heard of this before? Can one cause the other or is it more common that not?
my ex husband also busted out laughing one day because we had placed an offer on a house and I was reciting Psalm 23 The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. I mean he laughed so hard for about 10 minutes and I stood there perplexed as to why he was mocking me.
my 6'9 basketball player buff narc ex husband used to cry on cue. Did this in front of friends and even in front of the police. So everyone would look at me like I was a horrible woman who would make such a sensitive giant in front of others. That guy should have won an Oscar for some of his performances!
The relationship that I'm in he start out told me he incapable of emotions and love
@3:40 When you talked about "maybe there was this co-worker that died but you didn't really know them"; that made me flash back to middle school (I'm 28now). I had a friend who was a year younger than me. And in her grade there was a girl whose parents died (a murder suicide). My friend and her friends did not really know this girl. But I remember passing them in the hallway and they were all balling their eyes out. I remember being so confused. Maybe it was just a mass hysteria thing or something. I just remember feeling sickened and feeling like they were being fake.
I wish there was a pill to take where I could forget about those years between the ages of 11 and 18. Just thinking about all the times where people made me feel like there was something wrong with me, manipulated me, ect. Now as an adult I look back and just have a knot in my stomach about it all. But learning about narcissism and psychopathy has really helped me to realize that a lot of the people I was dealing with were probably narcissists. Soulless creatures they are….
The fake laughing is worse to me, can't they fake laughter quietly? Why does it have to be so loud??
my significant other has flashes of rage about minor things, yes he's called me insane, accused me of cheating when i wasn't cheating, of course i realized what he was doing when he did that & called him on it. my ex lost his job & telling me about it he was crying, but i could see he was looking at me between his fingers on his hand-it was so obvious he didn't care he lost the job
Dealing with these types of people make you leary of trusting anyone anymore…really… Yes they are very BAD drivers… They scare me. BTW…You're very accurate in the descriptions of this disorder! Blessings!
My Narc. roommate/'boyfriend' has had co-workers that have died, but he NEVER invites me to go to the Wakes or Funerals with him. What's with that? When I ask if he wants me to go…he says 'NO!' You didn't know them!! WTH??
My ex did the fake crying thing. It was after I called him out on his emotionless behavior. It was like he really didn't care about ANYTHING. He said things that would fit the scenario… but his face and eyes would be cold. Well…. the week after I called him out on this I had gone over to his apartment for the weekend. We had just been intimate and he stared deeply into my eyes and "poured his heart out" to me about how much he loved me and wanted to work things out. And then a few tears dropped down. I got sick to my stomach after he did this because not only could I see right through this, my eyes began to open up to a lot of things that I had been blind to for the past two years. It was an amazingly sudden realization. That one phony display had just confirmed so many things that I had been unsettled about. I always had that gut feeling and I always chose to ignore it.
It took a few more months to break away completely and the path led me to here. I REALLY appreciate all of your videos and information. I had no idea at all. Thank you so much.
Great information Dana. During the discard phase very close to the point of being discarded by my last ex I saw one instance of narcissistic rage. And what an Oscar performance it was. One night out of the blue his mood suddenly changed for the worst for no reason. It's as if he was trying to cause a fight out of thin air (is this common for narcassists?) He began being rude and obnoxious and when I questioned as to why I was dealt the typical silent treatment with the smug smirk on the face while ignoring. I kept at him to spill the beans as to why he was being a jerk. All of a sudden he got out of bed and layed on the floor of the bedroom and said he would sleep there all night. I then kept at him to tell me what his problem was. At this point I was angry and wanted answers as his behaviour had become progressively more mean and abusive. All of a sudden like a child he burst into tears and began screaming and wailing and crying. It went on for like 20 mins. I was totally freaked out as id never seen a 30 year old man carry on in such a manner. I was speachless. Is it possible that a narc rages like this because its their guilt manifesting or that they hate the fact that you are asking for answers or they feel pushed up against the wall and need a way to get you off their case? I think it was at this point that he was already with his next victim and was looking for a reason to start a fight to use it as a reason to discard me. Anyone have any thoughts please???
It's important to act quickly in response to a situation, but keep in mind that the male brain is wired to (and is ideally capable of) keeping calm when everyone else is freaking out. Women are capable of this in the absence of a man or a man who can do this, but evolutionarily this is what we're built to do. So don't mistake "eerie calmness" for psychopathy in every instance.
@narcassistic support the one that I was dating would cry to guilt trip me into staying in the relationship
H Dana. Fake laughter. How many times did I hear that?? Someone tells a joke, everyone laughs, except him until a second after the laughter stopped, HA AHA HA HAAA. It was so forced and false sounding I would get embarrassed. No kidding. What the hell's with that? Thanks for the videos. L.
I'm a big fan of horror movies, I often laugh at their cheesiness. Exploding heads as an effect or some other corny makeup. Bad zombies etc. I only mention this cause I was enjoying another one of your fine deliveries and all of a sudden I found myself remembering the number of times I've snickered at a horror movie and I had to check myself. I love what you do. You're so informative and upbeat. Thank you for doing this.
"Those who demonstrate compassion, when they should display anger, will find themselves displaying anger where they should show compassion."
Freud said many dumb things in my limited knowledge of him, but he said that "the true narcissist will never have the thought that he might be one". Also of all the "sins" of pride- the least dangerous is the vanity one. I'm saying this because not all narcs are vain. But all narcs in my family are extremely pride bound.
People with high-functioning autism or multiple brain injuries do not experience emotions like normal humans. Dana, I'm sure you know this, but to your viewers, many neuro-atypicals have problems that look like "red-flags". For years after a coma, I, personally, laughed inappropriately. I also zone out a lot from "absence seizures". Somewhere, along the way, it seems the flying monkeys came out and I'm guessing by the way that I was treated, that I got labeled this. Caution here.
When my ex-wife attempted suicide, she tried to hang herself. Then the police came in time and put her in handcuffs. She escaped from the handcuffs and ran for a short distance until she landed in a ditch. When her family came to see her that night, she was talking like it was the coolest thing ever! "I escaped and I ran, it was awesome!"
So glad that i took it upon myself to research.Video was very helpful and feel like i should have noticed sooner.
Its interesting cause sometimes I don't react normally in potentially traumatic situations. Standing at the checkout counter to pay for a chocolate bar at one of the closing Borders Books branches during a 5.7 earthquake after everyone had run outside might be a sign of narcacissm on my part. No one was hurt and I did get my chocolate bar btw. Then I witnessed a 6.3 when I was in Nepal back in 2011' before the two biggins struck 3 months ago. I am glad my friends over there survived. 911 was sad and shocking to me as was the sudden death of Paul Walker. This past March I was in a car accident where my car was totaled after hitting a divider and rolling back across lanes. I was mad, not really scared. I got on the phone with my dad first, as help was on the way. The death of the car was more upsetting than the accident I was involved in. Is there unconscious narcacissm where people don't recognize their symptoms? It goes hand in hand with a term we don't see any more; conceited.
Was a Step dad, I was caught in between sincere care for the kids, the arrows in the ass from their dad, and my wife's unwillingness to ask him to stop approaching me aggressively. At one point, I was running my ass off to repair the house, prepare dinner, etc. I had asked one of the kids to please clean up and put away the pool toys, then Ii split to continue scrambling. She decided, as kids do, to only put away the toys that she used, the mommy rushed the kids off to activity time…when I got home, I had found that the chore was only half done, but I was also left to clean up the doggy diarrhea that was all over. I friggin lost it. While everyone else was at ballet and Tae Kwon do, I was scrubbing shit out of the carpets…I was having quite a lot of trouble with the entire situation…the kids dad is a raging Narc. My ex claimed to be totally codependent, but boy oh boy was she able to publicly humiliate me. Three times…I don't much care for the labels. We all have Narc capacities. We all reach a tipping point…the labels really ought not be thrown about like tic tacs. I am no longer in this situation and yes I do miss the kids, and yes I do miss my wife. What I don't miss is the devaluation of my presence in that house, and my presence in the kids lives. I was discarded in November, three days before thanksgiving, and honestly, I didn't think I would survive the trauma of being discarded. My counselor referred to me as a nanny with benefits …that sucked to hear, but it was closer to truth, than not.
This one really hit home after my SIL reminded me of my narc moms behavior after dad died 3 years ago. They had been married for 55 years. He had been suffering from bone cancer for 2 years & kidney cancer a decade before. During the funeral, she was running around so happy because all of the family had come from all over the US to attend. It was like a family reunion instead of her husbands funeral. The week after, my brother & his wife stayed to help mom put the legal things in order. My SIL & mom went to pick up the death certificates. Mom was running around the office shouting with joy like she had just won the lottery. She kept shouting that she was so happy. My SIL & the clerk were in complete shock. I can't even do her level of excitement justice with words.