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Red Flag of a Narcissist #47: The Speed at Which They Move On
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You nearly perfectly described how my 20 year marriage ended. Just one day she decided it was over. She secretly started working on her new life and when she felt confident enough she told me we were finished. That was 7 years ago and the feeling of being left behind, abandoned, and then simply erased from her memories is still the most painful thing I have ever felt in this life.
I just found your channel , thank God I did! I have been looking for some way to explain this roller coaster of Hell I have been of for 18yrs. This parasite I was involved with was emotionally draining me for yrs. Being a male there is no one I can talk to about this without feeling like I am less than. So I thank you for sharing your insight.
Devastatingly true. 7 1/2 years together, and is how it happens all of the time (there have many discards for other women). He made sure I was thoroughly invested/bonded with his family, his children, his religion, etc. We lived together and I was a part of his children's lives since they were little (stepmom figure to the kids). He sold me on a fake future. Nothing he said/promised ever manifested. We were going to be married, a family, etc. However, we never actually ever shared anything. Everything was always separate. Even after we were engaged The engagement went on for 2 years and at a point to where I didn't even know if we were anymore or if I could even talk about it. Then came the letter to vacate our rental home out of nowhere (I paid part of the rent). That was it. A cold, inhumane letter and he's gone during the weekend. It wasn't until 2 months later after we got back together did I find he was having an affair with a patient of his, they had run off to Vegas that weekend I received the letter. And they still were carrying on after we got back together while he was professing his undying love and saying we were getting married. The things I learned when I spoke to her and we ambushed him at his office!! It was devastating. That was 2 years ago…I stayed as we were supposed to go to therapy, he be diagnosed and be married by now. 2 months ago, I received a letter to vacate. He disappeared over the weekend and said not to try to contact him. He had been going to "networking" meetings. His behavior started to change again couple months prior and our relationship became strained for reasons I did not even know. His dress, his distancing, his diet and exercise.. While moving, he's toyed with my emotions…and stayed out until all hours of the morning. Just up until last week said he loved me, spent time with me. Then I see the car in front of the house when I returned to drop something off. The last blow to me as I'm pathetically packing the last remnants out of the garage. And he sends a simple, "this is nothing like last time. take care"… This after all of the "i love you", "this is hard for me", and xo texts… Thank you for your videos. They are helping me understand all of this…finally.
The narc can move on without replacing you. They have enough contacts under their sleeves. You are just told that they are friends. Then you see the odd flirt or catch them giggling or standing close to someone and stepping away as they see your in the room.
Narcissists, like psychopaths, seem to have very shallow feelings, so – like you say – don't bond deeply, so can easily move on without looking back; whilst we (normal people, with human feelings) are left behind reeling in their wake, amidst the wreckage of their tornado-like presence.
Amber Heard anyone? She file for divorce Johnny Depp 2 days after his mom left and publicize the allege "domestic abuse" days before his movie promotion. As you know women can be narcissist as well, especially beautiful people.
My narc is my common-law daughter-in-law, who, with my son and their 2 kids, lived with my husband and I. I do know there's a smear campaign, probably ongoing. I didn't know that it was a common action for narcs to do that. Have you made videos about that topic? I will look through your list of videos, but if this one section is already on #47, there'll be alot! not complaining! And I thank you for taking the time to make these videos. Maybe you can tell me which vid might be the best one to start with.
Mine triangulated me with another guy and didn't deny that just maybe he was gay but it was a manipulation to cover up his new supply who was doing his job, has money and a second home he can live in and she is married so that is fun for him to steal her away. I had no idea what a narcissist was till now – was with him 19 years. What is creepy is that early in the relationship with myself and his first wife, he would wait out side the bathroom waiting for us to come out because he couldn't be away from us for very long.
3 mos after i left a narc boyfriend, another narc in shining armor came along, come to find out he left his ex like 5 min before via text. literally
when I listen to this, it makes perfect sense, like I was starting think I was crazy, I wish I had found these videos long ago.
I can not recover its Ben 4 years and it feels like yesterday with the emotional and psycalogical trama I will never be the same this has prevented any relationship from developing the hurt is the worst thing i have ever felt and it's very unfair to repair myself I really do hate her
After a profound and un-anticipated disposal experience I realised that this particular narcissist was in fact BPAD2 dysthymic, needed new and intense experiences to create transient happiness but then relapsed within 3 weeks into the pervasive background (and complex) dysthymia. Then came the rationalisation and the well-practised courtesy ('thanks for the memories but we are definitely not compatible' stuff). These experiences are emotionally difficult probably for both parties, but the background mood disorder is unrecognised. The narcissism is the behavioural manifestation, in this case of BPAD2 which is incredibly common and undiagnosed..
+Thrive After Abuse, Dana, I cannot express with words how helpful this video was. I can relate to literally every point you talk about, specifically the smear campaign and making themselves into the victim. Such important information.
I believed it for so long and tried to bend backwards to please. The projection was so intelligent…never any self-doubts on their side. I never dared to question the person's own sanity.
Now days I start opening my eyes to the things you said – like their history. Every single ex must be this madly crazy person. And these exes are – always – mentioned throughout the relationship. How come the person cannot end a relationship with mutual respect and honor what was? Even staying friends…why is everything always such a drama? How come there was never one "normal" sane and healthy relationship or friendship in their life? Their social network seem to know, but we chose to close our eyes.
What does not make sense to me is – where does it end? At some time, or age, don't they just need true love and companionship (just by being human)?
Thank you.
90% of women do this kind of things :/
Interesting..
Broke up with me within weeks of my mother being diagnosed with a very serious illness. I was distraught.
A week or so before, he showed me a nude pic of a woman..very strange story. Was supposedly his old boss' wife, and was sent to him by his old boss claiming he found this pic of his wife on the internet and easy upset. His old boss was in his late forties and this woman looked 30?
Fast forward to the night before I was discarded he suddenly had some swipe lock on his pics on his phone and couldn't remember the combo when I wanted to see?
We got in a fight and he told me to get the eff out of his life because I never trusted him.
The next day he texted me and twisted it that I broke up with HIM? He said he hopes my mother feels better.
This man never stayed away for long in 4 1/2 years.
I haven't heard from him in three months.
Eureka. It suddenly makes sense. For all his telling me that I never trusted him..I guess I did..like a fool.
wow, sounds exactly the way it happened.
You just described my last relationship "to a T." Your insights are amazing. Thank you. I'm interested in the "hovering."
So true, happen to me right after he propose too me, which was the craziest weirdest situation. But realize just like he's a narc, his family had their issues as well, so don't no longer take it personal. Of course that comes after an intense of self healing, now I'm able to recognize certain red flags future wise, and set boundaries from start.
Yes the congratuling of my ex for his new wife was staggering.We had been married over 20 years ,have several children. She came in to our community about 6 months after divorce, if not sooner, and was welcomed like the Queen of England by many of my so called friends who needless to say are no longer.It's been ten years since and I am still in shock over how easily she blended in while how easily i was dumped and expected to go along. After five years of this I moved with kids to another neighborhood cause it was too much. Still on occasion they are present at some celebration- some don't even bother to offer ME congratulations for my kid's wedding or new grandchild, instead they go hugging ad kissing HER! It's awful
So true, My wife moved out, blaming, lying, threatening me. Then a few days later comes by stealing my stuff whenever I'm gone. Then comes in the hood with new stuff she bought like cellphone, clothes, and walking with a new guy. Shaming me on FB, claiming new guy is better at sex than me, lying saying she divorced me within 2 days, stupid. And this was just the first time. She did it again 6 months later. And it always happened that she would get beside herself every month a few days before her income comes in (private annuity), and blames me for her being unhappy.
So I finally have her the boot. But let her tell it, she left me because I was abusive. Although I never laid hands on her. Narcs are funny.
out of the videos ive seen like this on on the topic, Your voice is most like my own. ive actually practiced this lecture and constructed it day by day as these things happened to me and you r voice is what I heard. I did it because I didnt think that anyone would believe me. im right in the middle of a grand finale, with children. I noticed within the first week that the Narc was a robot, and didnt have feelings like humans do, so Im over that, but I am suffering greatly for the loss of the dream that I was supposed to prepare for my children and that this Narc will force me for years to come , to live in my own personal nightmare as a half parent on the hostile end of the narc justifying to the world how this happened the narc will torment me until i die, I know it. I cant leave , i have to see them everyday for pic up or drop off etc…so much damage is being done to my soul and my mind.. I dont know what will be lift when my children are old enough to hear this story. .anyway, just wanted to tell you that i felt comfort while i was listening to you talk. Thank you for doing that.
Mine actually told me he had to find a way to fall out of love with me so he could move on. I think it took him a month, but like You said… Probably not. I still suffer an wonder if I am the narcasist. I feel so confused all the time. I am the one that called it quits. Maybe it's me:(
Everything is Manipulation,,,, my narc sent me money to buy a dress to go to a BALL on the nite of my B day. I drove three hours there and when I got there he told me he did not want to go with me after all…, SO I HAD TO DRIVE BACK HOME,,, he then went and picked up his NEW date….Why did he not just call me and break up,,, why did I have to drive there in the first place…. SO annoying!!
I really have been helped by these videos. It is something when someone else is describing the exact things I have went through. Thank you. I want to say that first. I do take issue with the comment about Peace Corps. Growing up in the midwest, women especially, are often groomed and pressured from an early age to do a bit of school, then marriage/job/kids. It was all around and very difficult to stand up to. I was the one to break up with someone to do humanitarian work. It was my goal for many years and I knew that staying in the relationship would have slowly put it off, and probably derailed it. I did it, and do not regret it. I was as kind as I could be to the person. I am afraid someone who is on the fence of following a dream like that would take this example and say, 'oh, that must mean I am a bad person, or selfish or even a narcissist to want to do this'. I know a few people that do humanitarian work fulltime with a family, but it usually does not work, and most of the community is either single, or with each other.