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Red Flags of a Narcissist #42: Guilt Trips, Pity Ploys, Obligation
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my maternal grandmother to a tee…i haven't sang in nearly 30 yrs. she keeps guilt tripping me into performing…i have no desire to sing for a living… my aunt turned 95 and she tried to use her sister to make me sing…i'm afraid of wha she'll do next as a ploy…i majored in accounting to get away from this bull…i wish i could move out to get away from her.
Thank you
It's amazing to hear my relationship in your videos. Thanks for making so many videos!
they don't know what guilt is. or empathy
Thousand thank you with all my heart, that you are doing al these videoer..You helps me more than I can say.
You should know that you and your videos are helping to give me my strength back <3
I'm so eternally grateful to you <3
I send you so much Love and Light <3
Thank you, Dana, for this incredible great information. I can't even express how much this is helping me in my current situation! I've been in a relationship with a covert narcissist for the last 5 years, been through such a difficult and confusing time and still am, but not for long any more. Just need to tidy up a few practical, financial things. Listening to your words and knowledge about this topic has been an absolute eye opener. Please keep up the good work. Lots of people, I am sure, are benefitting from it. Thank you so much!
How would this apply to a narcissistic elderly dependent mother who is negative, insulting and draining? Who loves you when you serve her, ignores you if you need anything from her and is always making you out to be her saviour yet insults you at the same time? She talks incessantly and demands to be the centre of attention. How do I escape her 'vulnerable victim' behaviour?
just freakin outstanding boo!!!!! you need a talk show to educate everybody in the country. luv you!!!!
Thank you Dana for your video it was very helpful especially when you stated that if you notice that you as the person in the relationship is always the one to fix the relationship given. As for an example it seems as though I'm the who is put on the burner to forgive and forget yet at the same time there's never any real accountability for continuous manipulative comments it all seems to be swept under the rug as though nothing happened but, yet I'm the scapegoat clearly when your the scapegoat you know your the scapegoat
Do you know what? And this is something i have learned, someone may have had a terrible childhood or an abusive Dad or something along those lines, and they have really suffered and the story really does pull on your heart strings – but they don't know the things that have gone on in your life – you might have lost a parent, or something terrible has happened to you, but its like do you play the victim or be the strength with the motto what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?
We all go through things but its how we handle it to give ourselves a different mindset. Its hard its very hard to let go of the past but really you tell someone you trust or love that story when you feel comfortable with them – not after they've hit you with a frying pan – yeah but my Dad did that to me.
If you see what I'm saying… In fact, if they really know what that was like then, really, a healthy person wouldn't do that to someone. I mean i know what its like to be bullied but i wouldn't go out there and bully someone because then I'm making someone suffer and thats just not right – and then if i say after but this happened to me when i was younger etc and it makes you want power – no if someone has hurt you – you either deal with them at the time you do not pick on someone else – someone who is weaker younger than you because then you really just turn into the bully
As i am listening to you talk i just think that no one has the right to demand from you your forgiveness, that happens when you are in that place, and that, can be for a long period of time, depending on the person. So, for someone to demand something from you that you can't give it goes against a grain in all of us – or if you say yes you do and your their best friend again but when someone brings up something about them and you talk about them – you are seen as two faced.
I say, i don't hold grudges against people – i can be very angry with someone for a very long period of time and depending on the person and what they have done it can be for a couple of years, but only I know when I'm not angry anymore and can move forward.
Wow. Spot on girl. It will be a year on October 31st is the date I jumped off the crazy train. 20 years it took to realize what the heck was going on and believe me I am not a stupid woman. My Narc X recently had a sister pass away. He knew that and used that opportunity to start Hoovering. "Oh you know S loved you so much. You were like a daughter to her" …
I really struggled with attending her "going home" service. I decided that the best thing to to do was send a flower arrangement and reflect quietly on the good times I had with her. My motiviation was I did not want to walk into the viper pit and be bombarded with questions about what happened by some and the evil looks from the "Flying Monkey" Brigade. I am healing nicely and don't need the trip back to the Black Hole
Dana I hope you understand just how insightful you are and you are touching so many of us that had no idea what we were dealing with. Keep doing you Ms. Dana. Peace & Luv.
I've been having more trouble than normal getting over a 3 month relationship, so I googled how recover from it and "narcissist" auto filled into my search. It was like a cloud lifted. My former parter matches so many of these red flags it's eerie. I hope I'm not exaggerating his characteristics, but the biggest problem is that after it was over I felt "less"—even though I am well-educated, have a great job and parents and his life is a train wreck, he still managed to make me doubt my choices in life. I realize now I need to work on my self worth and personal boundaries.
im so upset right now I feel like I'm Truman on the Truman show I feel robbed of the LST four years of my life I left my boyfriend four years ago before it got serious because I started to see abusive signs and I was starting to fall in love with someone else and I got a call from him saying he took a bunch of pills I was worried he got his friends in on it I went over there and his friend told me he was foaming at the mouth and she was crying saying she didn't want to have to bury her friend I felt that if I left him he would end up killing himself I sacraficed a lot for him and FOT what to find out it was a lie he's fifty four and living with his mom waiting to inherit the house he is the only one I've ever been with that I've learned nothing from it he has dumped me numerous times and for nothing his problem is assumptions he has a pity problem he needs it to survive I'm a single parent of three my son isADD daughter is autistic and a six month old baby girl I got pregnant one of the times he dumped me I moved on like he said got pregnant and I also have type 2 bipolar disorder /ADD HE KNOWS THIS AND STILL DOES THIS I HAVE KIDS TO TAKE CARE OF AND I REFUSE TO WASTE MY KIDS YOUNG YEARS AWAY ON THIS CRAP I WASTE MY LIFE CLINGING TO HOPE I AM SO CONFUSED IM GOING CRAZY I DONT UNDERSTAND WHATS THE REASON FOR HIM DOING THIS I DONT DO ANYTHING HE WOULD NEED ME FOR HE HARDLY EVEN HAS SEX
I have argued this unhealthily with loved ones before. I'll try to avoid taking that path
It is so very subtle…
Thank you for the video!
so right they mind fuck is unbelievable.he knows in our religion once divorced cannot come back but is still trying 1 year later after i pushed to get divorce settlement paid up started hoovering and trying place doubt on divorce vadility in my mind and others. not falling for it got confirmation from sheik. thank god everything in writting even though it cost a beating .i am free and getting better.
Omg! Dana , you have been a life changer for me! my question to you is how do you deal with when your narcissistic ex uses his own kids from a previous relationship to Hoover you back in? During the relationship I became so attached to his son but when I cut all ties with my ex I no longer had any communications with his son. now his son calls me from time to time but I do not take his call. I just worry about about getting sucked back in.
Yes! Exactly.
Thank you Dana you're videos come right on cue so to speak I woke up this morning thinking about my ex nark yes feeling guilty as he has informed me only weeks ago that he has been diagnosed with bipolar…..that was not the giant red flag that hit me in the face this morning although that one is up there with you rest now. It was the suicide I got told down the phone he had tried to kill himself because of the way I treat him and he has never loved before. I felt sick so I said I am on my way over. got told no I am going to bed I will call you tomorrow. strange how we get messages even if they cut us through our hearts. I got a voice message from him the next day and there he was playing card's with a friend and a woman's voice I could hear. when I tried to call him phone switched off. when I finally spoke to him he denied that there was a woman and he never called me. I said come around and listen. He did and said oh must of given you a pocket phone call and that the woman was not with him yet he face told me the truth and he ran out of my flat leaving his shop that he had done. so guilty I listen to the message over and over hearing her giggle and him say hey stop that and laugh. yes I got told she was with his friend and she was hiding the playing card's. wow I just feel empowerment having listened to you as I say just when I think I am missing you send me a reminder. big hug and thanks again. Sorry long text but I needed to tell you :)
youre a very smart person, i think my fiance is like that. would someone help me. i work my ass off to have a good relationship but nothing seems to change. i cant keep going on like this .
This is so ridiculously spot on!!
Thank you so much for sharing this important information. You have no idea how much you have helped me understand many things that didn´t make any sense before, and that were hurting me very deeply. Thanks a lot Dana. <3
yes! YES! yes!! i needed this.. the lip service is makin me sick.. uh huh
While confronting my ex partner about stealing money from our joint account and and and advising that police would be informed, he then tried to soften and distract me from the matter at hand by saying he hasnt been very well and has been depressed and is on medication. Obviously a ploy to make me feel sorry for so I wouldnt proceed with my legal action! Such manipulators these people are!
Thank you so much for your very informational videos. They have helped me deal with my situation. Your talks have helped me understand the things that were happening in my marriage. A lot of the red flags have continued even after the divorce. Still have a ways to go in my own healing, but your insight into this subject has put a spot light on the real problem. I feel that I can move forward with more confidence and take my life in a better direction. Again thank you.
This is a tough one, when the created world of the BPD/NPD person becomes swamped by a traumatic realty – for example – significant other has a breast cancer diagnosis and within a few short weeks is frightened into having a bilateral mastectomy. So the one who cried wolf as a daily way of live suddenly really is in a dire place physically and emotionallly. Current solution for the silent victim, set boundaries and have a grey rock response to the theatricals, but much like looking after a child or animal – see the truth in the body-language and interpreted responces. So for now in a holding pattern but still offering the support any decent human should. Such are life's cruel realities. Pitiful really.
Yes, as a victim, I always thought "I must be over-reacting"….hence under-reacting to everything. Cyclical…it can be ended. Great video.
Here's a line my ex narc friend said to me. When I gave him a dose of his own medicine (aloof/coldness) he said, "Now you're being as cold as you've accused me of being." Gotta love the language–as I accuse him of being, not that he admits to being.
My ex partner used the silent treatment and blaming predominantly. Is that a red flag?
This video is right on the money Dana. My narc used suicide as a manipulation ploy to pull me back in . When he got violent one night and tore up our bedroom he threatened to kill himself with a loaded shotgun in his mouth if I took the kids to my mother's house. It was not the first time he had pulled out all the stops to pull me back in but it would be the last time. I should have seen the pattern all along in our marriage but he made me feel sorry for him with the stories of having a difficult childhood and being abused. He even used the tactic of saying that it was taking him time to get over his childhood and to learn how to act and that he didn't have the benefits that I had of a "normal" childhood. These people seem to have a pattern to the abusive behavior. The abuse is very subtle to where you don't know you are being abused.
Thank you so much! This makes me feel stronger to move forward with my life without my narcissist ex! When i found out he was cheating i brokeup with him but he said he needs me to stay for hes gona have surgery and he wants to commit suicide if i let him go so i got back with him. I found out hes still cheating so when i told him im really done.. HE put his hands on my throat twice and he called 911 and he got me arrested! That was the most INJUSTICE i've ever experience in my life and its only been a month now and i wish there was TRUE JUSTICE in this world.. How can a victim who was choked get arrested? And the person who choked her be free?! What kind of police would do that?!? He still keeps contacting me wanting me back and telling me he went to rehab so i can go back with him…
thank you for what you do, ive wasted the last decade of my life being manipulated by a narcissist and had no idea any of this existed until i broke contact and tried to understand what had happened to me. I feel like every video you make helps me validate that what i went through was real and not in my head. thank you so much.
Narcissistic Victim Syndrome – Google it. Also, we attract narcissists by having poor boundaries. I'm much better now, thanks!