We’ve all been there: we meet the narcissist; we fall in love with the person presented to us. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, an entirely different person …
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The Narcissist’s True Self Can Be Found in the Small Tells
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Thank you for taking the time to make a video.
My ex narc used to say how wonderful I was and how someone like him didn't deserve someone with such a good heart like mine. Of course I'd insist with him that he had a good heart and how happy I was to have him in my life…I feel like such an idiot over things like that now.
he told me twice, " im not a good person" and each time i tried to tell him otherwise.
Loved your video! Guy sounds like a nightmare and super creepy. I gave dating a rest for a while so I can avoid running into the boogeyman and other creeps that go bump in the night. O M G. Feels good to look around and appreciate life, people who care like my girlfriends, the Sun, Nature without episodes of Psycho or Silence of the Lambs, lmfao. I prefer to keep that on the screen and not in my life. Btw love your hair and your eyelashes!
You are 150% absolutely right. I recently went through, and think back upon many instances where I've felt actually quite guilty because certain people would say and do things that I felt were just not right, but I would make excuses for them for the sake of trying not to be judgemental and deluded myself with "well everyone has different ways of expressing things, it doesn't mean they're actually bad people, I just need to quit being so sensitive and deal with it."
I too have recently made the realization that you have to quit trying to convince yourself that your gut feelings are wrong (and that you're being judgemental). Many of them (narcissists) will actually use arguments in defense of themselves to MAKE you feel like you're not being fair, that they're only human, and guilt trip you into a deep hole. As you said, you have to step back and view things objectively, putting the pieces together really isn't that hard. I used to have a friend who would CONSTANTLY treat everything like it was a competition. I couldn't so much as say "I'm staying in because it's a rainy day" without her blurting out "Well if you think THAT'S bad, it rained here for an ENTIRE WEEK and I couldn't even get out of the house if I tried, and my neighborhood almost got flooded, and the forecast says the storm is gonna get worse, so I hope it makes you feel better that you actually have it better than me right now." and I always felt so shitty after she'd do that. She made me feel like how dare I complain about any little thing at all, and I don't know what it's like to really suffer (when I was never trying to say I was suffering int the first place). She'd try to say "You have it better than me, so be happy." but she never could see how actually guilty she made me feel.
they treat you like dogs, they way they pet you is only to comfort themselves, not you..they will pet you like an anxious person petting a dog to feel better
always one up…always knows better than you!!!!
Yes, the ""blurting out" something totally bizzare" really hits home with me. I remember a particular conversation, we were happily talking about property we may buy in the future. . Out of no where, he blurts out "but how will we split it up someday when we divorce"… I said Whaaaaat ????. Why would you say such a thing??? A huge fight ensued , and I have never forgotton that. But we made up and I had settled back into cognitive disonence. Coming out of the fog now.
Wow. You've lost a lot within the last year or two–more than most. That in itself is really tough. I had a year like that about six years ago, but only one (out of four or five young deaths) was a friend, and I didn't have or lose a pet. That's a whole lot of grief for one person to handle. You know, I watched this video before, but I think I just couldn't process it all. Maybe there were some triggers, and I do tend to block out really sad news. (Two lost friends and a bad breakup, … that's enough to warrant some serious R&R.)
As for the signs…you've made me aware of something I'm going to change. My new ex-friend, who you helped me with, wouldn't do this really simple thing for me. I gave her four names of Japanese publishers and asked her to get their addresses. She wouldn't do it. Then she said her friend published a Spanish book and sent me that information (which looked like a self-publisher…anyway, I already did some research before I asked her for those four).
When she finally did give me two, near midnight after dinner at her place, she was really irritated, like I was keeping her up, even though she was the one who was talking for hours on end about her supernatural stuff, etc. (She was probably embarrassed that she shared.)
Then, something happened. I decided to think like a normal person. I went to the bookstore and they gave me the other two in a matter of maybe three minutes. Then I thought again. I went to another bookstore today and checked all four. She had written (in the alphabet, but in Japanese) "bookstore" instead of "publisher." And she made mistakes. So this sweet girl at the bookstore checked all four addresses and made some corrections. It took around eight minutes.
Why didn't I see that a few months ago? Why was she blocking me? Or is she really that stupid that she can't get an address and she doesn't know the difference between publisher and bookstore.
So from now on, I'm not going to give the excuse that it must be some kind of language barrier. How could I miss that? I'm still clueless as to why she did that, but she was pretty irritated when she gave me the information, and we fell out soon after.
That's what I'm working on–cutting my losses and training my brain to look for unblocked pathways. Three months to get two addresses from her (one wrong) and eight minutes to get all four from the bookstore. ? And I'm no longer going to let cultural or language blind me. In fact, I'd prefer to just speak English! TY for this video. xox
This is exactly what we do.
It's hard not to beat yourself up over the red flags. But we can't know what we don't know and hindsight is always 20/20! Stay strong and thank you for your videos. (I busted out laughing over the used cup thing) ;)
BINGO! I agree…"Gaslight" Myself" is it!!!
Yeah…"my pain is bigger then yours" stuff…. my one used to do the same every time i talked abut some pain in my life. A best friend of mine commited suicide at age 26, and when I told him, he started to bla bla… talking about himself…i don't even remeber about what, it was something about "me too and worse than that" kind of thing. I was just too astonished to remember… they have to be better, even in pain and distress it's about competition and about "me", and about who's better here
I agree : sometimes they reveal about themselves but you don't pay attention or sometimes they describe others but in fact they are describing themselves
Very revealing. I think I was outnarced, thank God, by my wife to the point that I could see true self.
I just found your channel. Thank you so much for posting this…I could totally relate. My ex did a lot of this – like the randomly blurting stuff out, he would do that all the time, just blurt things out that had nothing to do with the conversation, and he tried to "normalize" narcissism more than once as well, saying that everyone has narcissistic traits and that of course some narcissism is healthy. You are so right that we try to fill in the blanks with an explanation when these strange behaviors or blurting occur. I used to think it was just that I was shocked speechless by some of it, but then realized that yes, I was speechless, but it was also that my mind was working so frantically at trying to puzzle out the why that it didn't have the resources to also allow me to come up with a verbal response. For some reason when you mentioned your two friends who died, particularly the friend who died suddenly from a stroke, it reminded me of this time fairly early into the relationship with the narc when I had made friends with a girl in one of my college classes who was clearly struggling very badly with an eating disorder (and losing the battle). She had run out of class one day in tears and I left after her to talk with her and comfort her. I had received treatment several years earlier for an eating disorder and she wanted to get help but didn't know where to find resources, so I helped her. Even though I felt pretty stable in my recovery at that point, it was still emotional and I cared and worried about her, but when I told the narc about it later on his response was, "Maybe she should do the world a favor and speed things up by slitting her wrists in a warm bath." I was absolutely horrified by the comment, but have no idea why I wasn't horrified enough to never talk to him ever again….other than the fact that him coming out with something like that didn't mesh with the good guy persona I had been presented with. It was so completely opposite. So I tried to make sense of it and talk to him about it and about why saying that wasn't right. He settled on how he was "just joking", but the more I got to know him and the more time I spent around him, the more that good guy mask slipped. I know those two situations aren't remotely the same, but for some reason that was what came to mind when you mentioned your friend. I'm very sorry for the loss you and her family suffered, and for the pain you are still experiencing with that loss.
You are beautiful.
You look like a young Valerie Bertinelli.
it took breast cancer and an evil boyfriend hanging himself to force the masks off my family members. plus daughters in laws of theirs escaping.
It really explains how I was so confused and " gas-lighting" myself for what my narc-ex did comparing what he said during the love bombing stage. Thanks!
Another thing to learn: KNOW someone before you start playing house. You made some great points. Isn't that how our liberal justice system is now days…..we make excuses for miscreants.
Yep, they do blurt out who they are! In little snippets… I think only afterward when we look back do we say oh yeah…. that was it.
Hi, me again, I haven't watched all of your vid here yet (empty stomach demanding breakfast!) but I wanted to note a tell I see in my own experience: the narcs lies and smears etc will often go into high gear after a spouse who was a moral compass is no longer around to check their crap. Examples: my late NF was telling family that I don't keep any job I get AFTER my mother had passed away and I moved overseas and neither of us were around to correct him. I've also seen other lies/smears that he propagated since my mother's passing and my moving half-way around the world from him. These coverts are pretty damned tricky/sneaky. Let's work on collecting these Small Tells everyone! I think we can educate others and The System about it!
Hi Annabel, Just found your channel. The "small tells" caught my attention. I am currently working with my atty to deal with the mess my late NF left me. I am trying to gather information not only to support my case and hopefully overturn the will and trust (I have no siblings, but that doesn't mean my NF didn't make major problems for me!) but also to send to a few other attys I've found online and hopefully raise awareness of the law and the courts and especially those estate attys who help covert narcs with their wills and trusts. I've been thinking a lot lately about how these small tells might be something for the estate attorney or court can listen and think: Danger Will Robinson! I'd like to correspond with you a bit and maybe we can get some things together to help our fellow survivors of these warped people. Thanks!
It's all about boundaries and self worth. You shouldn't be asking why is he/she behaving like that, but instead why you would accept this kind of behavior from anybody. Good video.
Very good video. What I believe is more then likely we are doing the right thing by leaving when we see one of these tells. Instead of us trying to reason it through, which ends up being us gas lighting ourselves. Yes, those blurts they throw out is really who they are, but if we get it wrong and we leave anyway, at least we are safe. If a mistake happens because we left someone early on that wasn't a Narcissist because we miss guessed, so be it. Second guessing our choice to leave will give this person if they are a Narcissist the ability to get their hooks into us deeper. That being said, it's been my experience when I've seen these tells in the beginning stages, has always lead to the person later really showing themselves to being toxic in some way or another, At least that's been my experience. Thanks for the great video Annabel.
I love this! My therapist asked me "Why do you care why he did it? When he never cared!" Letting go feels AMAZING! I recommend we all try it.
Mine said such tells like: "I don't care about anyone." "If I took a personality test, I would just lie" When texting a friend "This is where I pretend to care." When talking about being embarrassed "I don't have that. I don't get embarrassed." He would also make these facial expressions where he did the staring sociopath-style eyes, then tell a blatant lie, such as "No one will date me because I look like I'm twelve." BUG EYES HELLO. I have studied serial killers extensively but never did I see it coming with him because he just seemed so innocent and dorky… such a covert narc.
Maybe the therapist was trying to tip you off!
I think narcs also learn how to fake being the victim of a narc from their previous experiences.
my relationship with my ex narcissist had certain points which I never knew at he time, the lovebombing was intense, the several months of our relationship was good but being told she was cheated on by her ex husband and would never do it because she knew how it felt… told me she thought she was going crazy in the period it happened (obviously gaslight) also, she got a crank text message and from an unknown person and tried to make out I was trying to catch her out which I was nothing to do with…I only realised after we split, and was told quite a few truths that I had been gaslighted for the last couple of months, she had been adding random guys on her Facebook over the last few months too, and maintained a dating profile online too, this was all going on without my knowledge, and I can't believe I even trusted her since day one..
Yes it is very true, a healthy person is consistent in their actions and words! So if a person is making you nervous, anxious or creating cognitive dissonance, they are all valid flags for unhealthy behavior. And a healthy person knows this, but as victims of narcissistic abuse usually have been groomed by their narcissistic parents they very easily fall prey to narcissists and sociopaths. It is a horrible and devastating circle, the only way out is healing your childhood wounds, codependency, Complex-PTSD and setting healthy boundaries. Only when you realize your own self worth and learn to love yourself and begin to understand what love actually is and that your image of love is distorted, then you will never let them under your skin again because you will see them from miles away. I wish you the best of luck on your journey!
Wonderful presentation! at 23:40 min.. omg!! my advice is to just nod and smile… and next time some one hands you a book of matches.. nod a smile:) don't have to respond striking that match and gas lighting yourself.. putting a cheesy smile on the narcissist face.. marketing there job easier.. No way.. he says infidelity is ok.. nod and smile.. etc… their a joke. save the matches for something useful!. my narcissist hung himself. I glad to have found your videos!