Caring for an aging parent with narcissism is very difficult position to be put in. Many care givers find themselves in the unenviable position of providing care of the elderly narcissist at the cost of their own survival. Care giving is stressful, at times overwhelming and promotes guilt. The aging narcissist finds this to be a perfect scenario.
Care giver stress is real. When you choose to take on the role of care of the elderly and aging narcissist you may not be prepared for what is in store for you. Every culture or religion has some belief of “Honor thy father and thy mother.” It does not say that you have to love or even like them.
If you are an adult child or a spouse of a narcissist you are in a situation of constantly trying to please a person that is unable to be pleased. The narcissist must control everyone and everything in their world. These individuals have an ego and an exaggerated sense of self importance. The aging narcissist considers their skills, their achievements and themselves to be far superior to any other individual that crosses their path.
On the exterior, the aging narcissist may appear cordial, friendly and confident. But underneath their false exterior is an individual that is trying to compensate for their own shortcomings, real or imagined. They have the inability to have empathy for others and push the individuals in their lives as far as they can. They always raise the bar of their expectations of what they want from an individual.
A spouse or a child that lives and cares for someone displaying the traits of narcissism is always trying to seek their approval, do things the “right” way. A narcissist is not capable of admitting they are wrong, never can say “I am sorry” and if there is a “thank-you” it may be followed by the word “but.”
More on Narcissism — How to Survive Being Their Caregivers — Tips To Keeping Your Own Sanity
To survive care giving of an aging narcissist is to first acknowledge you have power over your own feelings and emotions. You have control over how you respond. You do not have the control over the negative behaviors that are directed at you.
Narcissists control by demeaning, demoralizing and even through character assignation. They will wear a person down until there is nothing but your outer shell of a body. Many family members that care for the aging narcissist feel as if they will have the very life sucked out of them.
As a self absorbed and selfish egomaniac, the aging narcissist is not capable of feelings for others, not even love. This is a difficult concept for many family members to accept. Those care givers that are always in the approval seeking mode eventually begins to feel a sense of anger, depression and sadness about themselves. Many family members work hard to keep the relationship going, not realizing that it is a one sided effort.
To survive the caring of a narcissistic family member, you must set emotional limits. Take the power of control over you away from the aging narcissist. This is not an easy task, as you do not want to confront or identify that the narcissist has any faults. I suggest you wear an invisible shield, one that the directed verbal and emotional abuse bounces off. I use that as a way of saying not to take anything that is said to you personally. If you do, you will not survive.
Narcissists, when confronted about any imperfections will respond with anger and even rage. The verbal and emotional abuse they can instill knows no boundaries. If you cross a narcissist, they will do anything and everything in their power to get revenge.
To respond to an aging narcissist, you must remain calm. Do not respond to their tirades. When they make statements or judgments do not hesitate to question them. Ask is a non confrontational way such as: “How did you come to that conclusion?” or “I’m confused, show me how it is to be done right”
It is always important for the care giver of an aging narcissist to always, and I mean, always, have an exit strategy in place or a plan B (possibly a backup care giving situation). Put time limits on your interactions, have a reason to leave the room. When in doubt or in a situation that has you losing control, run as fast as you can! Your very mental and emotional well being is being threatened.
The horrible truth of narcissism and the aging parent is that it is an extremely difficult situation to be in. For those that care for the elderly narcissist, many feel as if they have no choice. One last survival tip, is to consider allowing other to be the care giver and you take over as the over seer of the care. It may be the only way you wiil survive and keep your own sanity.
Source by Diane Carbo
