Check out this article for more information: http://www.monikahoyt.com/narcissism This video is designed to give you some quick tips that can help you deal with …
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Narcissism Symptoms: 6 Ways to Handle a Narcissist
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I was married to someone who had severe control issues. Any criticism of her was met with scorn and sometimes with violence. She would whip up trouble in the relationship just for the sheer satisfaction of feeding her sense of power and control. When I began to stand up to her, the relationship went sour and I was painted as the person who needed help. She did this by getting her family and some of my family members on her side by obfuscating the truth and playing on their sympathies. We were married for almost 20 years and after the divorce, I sought help in understanding what really happened and it wasn't until a counselor got me reading on narcissism that things REALLY began to click in my head. Thanks for your videos. I hope they help some people.
What you said in number 5 contradicts what Dr George Simon (counsellingresource.com) has to say about narcissists. You said in your previous video that emotional abuse can result in narcissists. Is it not maybe pseudo-narcissists that it creates? I look at myself and see a lot of narcissistic and abusive traits, but also have genuine empathy, capacity for shame and guilt, capacity to handle criticism, desire to change, etc. I have been badly emotionally abused by my mother, who acts in so many ways like a full-blown narcissist – and yet when she talks about her parents handling of her and her sisters, oh how clearly the golden child and scapegoat dynamic appears! She seldom takes responsibility for her actions, but she seems chewed up by guilt if she in any way, real or imagined, didn't do right by her parents. It's like her life revolved around their happiness. So many times she would cave in to pressure from them to do what they wanted (calling it give and take compromise) even when it made her unhappy. This when she was in her late forties, in her own house! They were staying on her property, and yet they (especially my grandmother) seemed to think they were the bosses. I was shut out of the house on one occasion and deliberately ignored when I rang the bell (a brass ship's bell, so it was definitely working!). They then 'persuaded' my mother to give me the silent treatment for a week. She told me later she 'stood up to them' and it took 'lots of courage', but that she did it because she could see it had a 'bad effect on me.'
No kidding. I knew the score. These people were not to be trusted and were out to break me. Defiance and fighting back on all points, showing that I would not be broken: that was my reaction. The wonderful sequelae I sit with now is that I battle to compromise with anyone, submit to any authority, take criticism, etc. And that leads directly into me being abusive.
So I'm afraid I disagree with point 5. I think maybe some people just genuinely choose pure selfish evil, and then a chain of abuse develops. I don't know, nor do I care, where it started in my family.
I know where it stops.
I so wish I would have ran the other way. What a trap he was…ugh.
If you don't challenge the delusions, your belief system will eventually adopt narcissist lies and manipulation as a reference and you will necessary lose grip of reality = alienate yourself from reality = become mentally ill. You don't challenge delusions for the benefit of the narcissist, but to maintain your cognitive and emotional integrity.
You are absolutely right that a narcissist will drive you crazy and make you question reality at times. It can be mind numbing to try and have a rational, non-confrontational conversation with one.
Good advice. You have to stand your ground.
Unfortunately, divorce is not an option for a man.
The US legal system these days seems to cater to narcissists when they are female. If you are a man involved with a narcissistic wife, dont even think of getting a divorce. Even if she is in the wrong and initiates the divorce, you will be taken to the cleaners, stripped of your rights as a father, and she will have more control than ever. She could cheat on you, take all of your money and spend it on her new boyfriend, sue you for divorce, kick you out of the house on false charges, and STILL be given everything she asks for by the courts.
The anti-family courts are a narcissists' wet dream.
My oldest sister is a terrible narc. She has been treating me so badly my whole life. I now understand why. But to stay away from her, I have to give up my whole extended family because she runs everything and everybody does what she says. It is a terrible situation. I HAVE to stay away from her, but if I go to a family gathering, and she is there, and I ignore her, then everyone blames ME for being a bitch. SHE is always the VICTIM!! So far now, I am not seeing anyone in my extended family. My other older sister believes what she tells her, and my younger sister has already left the family for good, with her daughter.
why would you stay with Narc, its not a benefit to you , your children, or anyone else, all better off without their presence. RUN RUN RUN
Sorry to say but i know a narcissistic person is hard to deal with but they deserve love to just like any other mentally ill person. Your first advice is don't get involved in narcissistic person. Being involved w a narcissist for 15 years u learn to deal with their illness. I'm not saying it's easy but it's possible.
Thanks you site is the best, in a few minutes of you talking is better than hours of others teaching. I have an adult brother, Delta pilot, he calls last ten years and tells me I cannot talk as he talks about himself for an hour. If I try and talk, he stops me. He then calls my parents and says I am really horrible for not talking. For ten years when he calls I write him and say if we do not talk equally in adult conversation stop calling. Now he says he never said I cannot talk. When we have a family reunion he publically humiliates me at the dinner table. If he flies in to meet me, he does ALL the talking about himself. On your test he hits OVER 11. I told him I do not care to keep meeting if he acts this way, it is too upsetting. He divorced a good wife he had for decades and lots of children. Then remarries in a few months and I was told I cannot ask how and when they met—- big secrets and I get no wedding pictures or any pictures for over a year and only after repeatedly asking. He left a slender wife for a fat one. In a conversation before the divorce my mother slipped and said he is really busy with his "TWO" families………… My wife and I both heard it and kept silent on the telephone and afterwards we asked each other if we head it right. My mom does not make mistakes like that. Later my mom admitted they took a number of trips together before they got married, but the claim they only knew each other only a few months before married. (I think more lies). If I do not agree with him on anything, even little things, I become his arch enemy. Thanks for letting me know I did the correct thing. Thanks, you help me understand what is going on. Thanks. This really disrupted my life for years, now I understand better. THANKS.
its my mother and u taught me a great deal. i always stand my ground but realize i cannot change her into being normal and will use ur great strategies until shes out of my house and finally in independent living. i also have stopped doing things for her. i will hold my ground without the drama and allow myself to give her the things she wants to hear now so she feels secure to go, thank god.
Thank you!!
Quick and to the point. Nice video!
As the daughter of a Narcissistic Mother (NM) I was in a long term relationship with a substance abuser/gambler, emotional, verbal and eventually physical abuser in my 20s then married a narcissist in my 30s. I was most comfortable with the roller coaster included in the behaviors of narcissists and substance abusers because of my NM. I wish there were laws that protected us from the malevolent behaviors of a NM when we finally decide to go no contact. My NM is vicously and does sneaky retaliative behaviors. I have tried to get protective orders, help with her slander of me, her projecting letters and e mails, her forgery of my signature on an insurance policy yet I get no help from law enforcement, the government, the insurance industry. Society cannot fathom a "mother" in her late 60s behaving so malevolently towards a daughter.
you have it only about narcists in a relationship
is it also possible by a collega of your work?
i have a collega at my work sitting on the same table where i do my work
she has the symptomes of a narcist
i don,t speak asnymore to her she was very vey angry with me and now she leet me feel it i am wreally getting a lot of stress
and i am not the only one at my work but wel the one who is sitting whit her on the same table
i find it awefull
if i see that she make a mistake i must go to my boss so he can say it to her and that is even not possible she is getting very angry with him to
what can i do to get les sstressful to my work
she listened to nobody she is perfect she doesn,t have to think before she speak because she has Always wright
i was once feeling sick so i wasn,t talking very much she said why do you not talking to me i said i am feeling sick she said i don,t care if you are feeling sick you can talk to me and she getting angry with me
i wil never speak again with her
she has also that charming shetarted with that and now i don,t like her
i can,t even forgive her on this moment i can,t say get away from me i can,t get sit on a other table so i hope one of you wil get me advice to deal with her
by the way i am a woman and i think she is not lesbiene she has a frend she saiyng that
she is lying to
Run- with your hair on fire!!!! Get another job. Stop talking to that family member.
Save yourself!
Help me
"Don't challenge the delisions". That is an interesting point. I have been trying to help the person by challenge his delusions
thanks so much! i was living with one/ i'm moving next month. but, this is so accurate. omg. so glad i realized sooner rather than later!!
1) Good quick comments on staying balanced.
2) Now what if, based on the evaluation, I consider myself to be somewhat narcissistic? I genuinely feel like the artistic expression [or whatever] has real intrinsic value even if the world does not seem to necessarily agree?
3) Just curious, "for the sake of philosophical debate"… What does the Narcissist do to become more centered, or balanced?
I know that staying away is the best thing, but there are several threats in the world and you have to deal with them at some point. Especially at work!!! God I hate these people, but they do end up in power because they're willing to do anything and I do have to deal with them. I know exactly what to do to keep them happy, but what if they get involved and I become narcissistic supply? And what if they try to enter my life? I'm scared mostly because I always feel like a target because i'm extra considerate. I just wish I had close friends who were emotionally intelligent and protected me from crazy shit like this. And also I want to develop how to be a non target, empathetic and considerate but not too agreeable. I need to figure this out. i feel so alone. I wish i had smart family members. Well it's all on me now. I guess I'll just become detached and avoidant but also agreeable and tolerant. The long term work relationship matters above getting into personal fights. Well at least I know how to be a sycophant. Why isn't anyone else worried about this stuf??? I always feel so alone. :/ okay I'll just have to have courage or maybe some anxiety pills. Or some herbal supplements. I wish I was oblivious at times. Being aware is so crippling at times. Ahhh okay im done ok yup done
this is terrifying
Simple and all true. We must also remember that narcissists were often created that way through being humiliated and abused by another; now WE have been, so be careful not to inflict your own will over others in sheer self-defense. Whatever the cause, narcissism is wrong.
The narcissist I knew tried to use sarcasm to put me down – a classic trait, I turned it into a witty observation – the person being American, didn't realise that sarcasm doesn't really work in text form – this did two things she tried to modify the texts and change and try to avoid a conflict – when I decided to finally walk away – she actually put smiley emoticons in to highlight she was joking – but more importantly it proved a point – was she really only joking and being harmless or was she trying to belittle and me down. Well in pointing out the confusion in the form of expressing sarcasm in text – it highlighted that her intentions weren't really hitting home – whatever they were. When she tried to resolved things she tried to be sarcastic: saying: I obviously don't want to hear what you have to say – then put the smiley emoticon in to show that she was joking and that really she did want to hear what I had to say – but too late by then. I had said goodbye. Leaving her being indirect and weird till the very last text. Further making her look immature. In short – she tried to show me that she had finally grasped how to use sarcasm in a text – based on the info I gave her – yet sadly for her it still backfired. In that text she also planted a consequence of walking away – when I had said no contact is a good option – earlier , so by then I was happy to oblige and….walked away.
When I finally put my foot down with a narcissist I actually quite happily told them I don't even intend to change them – they want the power of thinking you are working like mad to resolve things – yes I said I do like to patch things up – but when I saw it wasn't working – I was quite happy to tell them that and that changing them is not the important bit – as if to say – keep doing what you are doing – have ball – good luck with it – I don't feel the need to do it – if it makes you feel happy great – just not when I am around. That way you get your point across while being able to rise above it and not look like you are trying to help. If a narc gets aggressive keep a log of it – and report it – but never accept it – point it out – say you don't care what they do – belittle the process of what they are doing. I stress that these tips – having been someone who has just got out of said relationship, only work if you don't have any major ties to the narcissist.
On a deeper note – take personal comfort in the fact that the person you love or like will always be difficult and narcissistic – it's in there blood almost. So rest assured – (if you are a little jealous that she might be in the arms of some other hunk etc), that in reality that new, "supply", to her needs is going through the same crap you went through – because she/he only seeks people they think they can dominate. And remember – you are no longer that person who will be trampled upon. Don't openly laugh at the other person's situation – just know inside that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Narcissists can't feel real emotion so they will never know real love. They have no pity for others, they judge and point score for evaluation purposes only. Well the joke is on them – because they are living a hypocritical existence – one that offers them no real rewarding loving relationship. One that is forged out of having to force respect from others. Manipulate people purely for negative gain on the part of the victim.
Narcissists are not as clever as they think. They only have power over you if you let them. Trust your gut – listen to yourself – if you know you have done absolutely nothing wrong – then no amount of justification or excuse making will cover what a narc is doing – it will only weaken their case. If a narc makes verbal threats like, "it will come to no good", always call them out – never back down – ask them what they mean by that – and be prepared to not care and walk away – the threat they have just made will fall apart. They will look stupid for saying it. The trouble is that if you really fancy someone and fear losing them – that is when they have you especially if they hint at possible romance and more in the future – classic tricks of keeping someone on fishing line – so to speak. This is when you must be strong and be prepared to loose them – there are other women who are not narcissistic, manipulative and difficult.
The worst thing about narcissists is that half the time they think the victim doesn't know what is happening – in some cases the victim doesn't – that's when the internet and forums help – get schooled up on how they operate. If you do know what they are doing – observe them and never let them know you have been hurt by them – point out what they are doing is wrong and not beneficial – use what they do against them – be polite and simply point out in congruencies in their actions. There reaction will tell you everything. Once separated from a narcissist – don't ever contact them – they will take the power back and be far worse with you and it will look like you have backed down, that they were not that bad to start with. Stick to your guns. When parting it is ok to be objective and say, "I like you, just don't get why you act like that sometimes", that shifts the emphasis on them in a polite way and shows you are not bitter.
A narcissist once said to me, "I hate being wrong, but who doesn't?", to which I replied, "I don't mind being wrong sometimes – not everybody is perfect in every situation". Total slam dunk – catch them out at their own game in mid sentence. Most mature people who don't need to control others don't mind admitting fault if they have made a mistake, after all we a are human. Ok so we are no longer friends – but it's better you go away showing maturity and humility in the face of someone who has just admitted a major narcissistic trait. If they try to add that to their bag of tricks later – by pretending they don't mind being wrong – soon it will eat away at them – after all narcissism is about always being right.
If they suggest ending the friendship/relationship – walk away with a nice clear sentiment – make it clear that nothing has got to you and that you are merely providing examples when they ask for it – that way you can't be held to account for calling them out on things. Most narcissists delight in hinting the outcome of will happen – be prepared and mention to them that they had mentioned something before about it. If they deny it out right and feign innocence – you have your answer – they were playing you all along. If they avoid the issue and try to minimise a statement they have made – make it clear that no matter how insignificant it is to them – that it can still hurt, most importantly state it would hurt anybody – not just you – that way you are not appearing as the victim.
Expose a narcissist – if you are not in a deep relationship with them and can make a clean break from it. They don't give a damn about you – so you shouldn't worry about exposing them. They may deny what they have done – but through texts and the way the react to things – they have already revealed how they operate. Simply reflect and make observations and inform them of their patterns. If they twist things always state what they have done and correct them. You need to state your claim and assert your wishes without appearing to need something from them.
LOL! 😀 Dont fall in love with one?!?
Well let me just say that one of my best friends is a Narcissist(actually medical profesionals have confirmed that he is one)
Yes he an ego problem,Yes he talks a lot about himself,yes he gets very mad when people offend him or try to make him change is mind about something he believes in.
That said he is very loyal.When ever Im in trouble he comes though what ever to help….Been though hell with him twice with a song in our heart and a whiskey bottle in hand 😀
But the other stuff is true(2,3,4,5 and 6)…i would highly recommend to remember who YOU are…
So your advice is "run away"?!
That is not a tip, that's just nothing. Utter rubbish
Every one needs love narcissistic people should be loved also they just need help
I admit i have A LOT of these cluster b traits but i am married and my husband although struggles with me at times would never run the opposite direction-you nasty person telling people to run the other direction from us-its people like you who made us this way in the first place!
I admit i have A LOT of these cluster b traits but i am married and my husband although struggles with me at times would never run the opposite direction-you nasty person telling people to run the other direction from us-its people like you who made us this way in the first place!
I luv # 1…run the other way!
#3's a good point, and i would if i could. but sometimes life isn't that simple.
thank you.
this really rings true.
its quite funny really, every disorder ever i guess you could say made by man is all a matter of perspective, its a disorder because society says it is not because it really is a disorder, e.g if being a phsycopath was a normal thing in socoety then someone being a lot of empathy would be seen as someone who isnt normal and has a disorder…think about it and you will realise almost everything in life is all a matter of different perspectives clashing.
Narcissists need love too! :P