Everything You Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse – click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html I am often shocked …
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Narcissist’s Selective Memory: It’s All About Narcissistic Supply!
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A very interesting analysis. Thank you
Hi Sam, There is the idea that those can age out of narcissism…How would the memory lapse work in a situation like that? Do they have spotty memories of the past, will they now have less of a selective memory, can they recognize the issues around their previous selective memory. Curious as to if you've come across conversations with recovered narcissists on this topic.
My mother was an insane and violent narcissist – when she got Alzheimer's she said " I don't remember anything about my life…except I know I was mean…..what can you say about a person like me?"
It was stunning – she never previously had an honest moment in her life. It was as thought she had been possessed, and then left behind because she was no longer useful to that which possessed her.
It's very interesting when I stop to think of the many things my narc forgets. Explicit statements he has made, topics of conversations we have discussed many times, important things he knows but forgets. I wondered if it was his heavy drinking, smoking, pot use of many decades. His own mother who is suffering from dementia, thinks there are 2 of them, maybe more–he is an only child! She calls them the Good One and the Bad One. He has hated her all his life. This is starting to make more sense. If she was the force behind the creation of his false self, his disassociation, she ought to know just how many of them there are. When she asked me why he was always such a screw-up, such a disappointment to her, (I felt like saying something like that myself, after finding out about a serious affair he was having) I relayed the question to him. He replied "Tell her to look in the mirror!".
its funni tht im just finding this shit out at the sexy age of 30………but i jus fukkin cant. this shit gon hve me locked up. i feel srry for pple who hve suffered this kind of life but wht i wont do is …..become a victim. be strong ma bbys
Shalom Sam , brilliant as always ! Also timely as I could not understand how my abuser could forget what I would consider the most traumatic event in our relationship ? So ,disorder appropriate behavior ? Your words are medicine for me and others I'm sure , may you be blessed ; )
Thank you Sam.
the definition of thirsty
Sam, people who shit on others for personal emotional profit as a way of life may be generally categorized as disgusting parasites. N'est-ce pas?
Do you have any words for whom has involuntary contact with these kind of individuals? i.e. roommates, (study-) colle(a)ges
Sam, 5:36 "There is no me" is actually a Buddhist realization of truth.
Losing long term memories and short term memories is a well known result of the stress and trauma of child abuse or any abuse; also of medications.Additionally the mind cannot hold onto knowledge that it deems unnecessary for survival, if one is undergoing depression, stress, anxiety disorders, etc. Also if one doesnt use a particular knowledge often, it slowly dissipates from memory- after 6 months everything is gone. And when reading our own journals we have no recollection of having written it – this is why we write journals- so that we can look into our self and learn who we are. Compartmentalization is when different aspects of our lives are separate from one another; where we forget about one aspect while we experience another.
Sam what about turning optimistic as means for a cure? Can there be an optimistic narcissist? Could having a positive outlook on life affect this personality disorder?
SAM what about narcissism and motivation?
I spent months trying to figure out this selective mechanism with a narcissistic psychopath woman and I really could not. How can she remember so crystal clearly every single real or made up (by her) detail and nuance when it is advantageous to her, and how can she utterly and completely forget everything else, it never existed to her, complete oblivion. This is the precision of a computer but we are all biological beings, so how is this even possible?
And the whole selection process is automatic, it's definitely not some intentional construct. She doesn't even know it exists.
It's like it was some sort of automated control mechanism "outside" of her aware self but where is it, what is it? Is it an ancient mechanism of the lower brain? Is the lower brain predating on the amygdala (narcissistic supply) and she is slave to this automatic pleasure-seeking?
But even so, how can memories just be erased or cut out like that 24/7? Non-psychopaths don't have this even if they try hard, memories just remain there somewhat..
Perhaps they store memories in different parts of their brain/mind, and in different ways?
Thank you for your interesting talks.
One of my friends is married to someone like this. She is a very capable, kind and caring person. He is apparently one, too(in his career, anyway), but at home he is controlling, jealous and says really horrible things to her, and then pretends he is joking.
I have seen her ego and her happiness dwindle significantly.
She has suspected for a while that he is chasing a woman 40 years his junior at work. This woman is very manipulative and needy.
I have listened to my friend's worries, but have not got involved.
Recently, her husband was left a large sum of money to use to help people who needed specific aid (at his discretion). I know this because I am friendly with the benefactor's daughter.
My friend's husband does use it for its intended purpose, but has never told anyone where it has come from-so people assume that he is the kind benefactor.
I think that this is dishonest(but, again, have not mentioned this to anyone).His wife, however, did not realise that he was keeping its provenance a secret, and mentioned to one of his staff (a beneficiary who wanted to repay him), that she needn't feel bad about receiving the help, because that is what the benefactor had intended it to be used for. Her husband was absolutely furious with her-white hot furious.He told her that he had not wanted everyone at his work to know this privileged information.
I think that by "everyone"he meant the younger woman he was trying to impress with his altruism.
I would like to help my friend, but I think she has to see these things for herself. How can I assist her with this, without making an enemy of them both?
i have a friend, who has a complete text book narcissistic personality,, he has rewritten his past, and lives a soul less life wrought with anxiety, fear and false movie like existence… he is quite difficult to be with, has few friends, and is an energy vampire to the definition…. the more i learn about this state of existence, the more compassion i have, but….. im not sure how to be his friend, or even support him. he is a hollow shell of a man. should i reject him and his social advances? or befriend him with boundaries? or just dive into the fantasy self with him? (not an option). he's harmless except for the mood swings and annoying traits. how, as individuals and a society should we cope and live with these folks??
thank you Sam for your videos.
I don't know anyone else that can discuss the subject of narcissism as accurate or as deep as Sam Vaknin. I'm amazed that he can continue to come up with this very impressive material to share with us. Sam is truly an Expert, above any others in the field.
I've done so much reading on Narcissism, from the vantage points of psychiatrists and victims, that I wonder at the biology of a brain working as Sam describes? Is any of this due to plaques on the brain? Is the change nutrition-based? Could the shift be a product of dehydration, and or sleep changes?
What would a brain look like as this selective memory plays out? What is happening on a synaptic level?
I've experienced this with my ex and it always puzzled me. In one respect, she could remember conversations (and small nuances) we had on the phone years and years prior, and people I mentioned, both good and bad. Then, halfway through our actual relationship she wrote me an email confession, about her being very ill and it being a dealbreaker to our relationship (at the time I thought it was just her feeling bad about her "chronic fatigue syndrome" that she claimed to have, as it read like she were confessing a terminal illness). Only after the fact, when we were spending time apart, and I had educated myself some, was when I saw the real meaning. When I mentioned this to her she appreciated the gratification and admiration I showed her in regards to what she tried to express, yet she had no recollection of what I was talking about.
I thought that she was clearly lying, not wanting to face what she had gone on to incessantly deny about herself, but now I see that maybe she really did have zero recollection of that entire confession.
Fascinating. Those of us involved in animal "rights" or other compassionate causes will often get this sort attaching themselves in that self-satiating way you speak of, like a "scientist" studying some caged victim. They glom on to study empathy, love, etc., which they're so curious about, also learning how better to feign those emotions. We should all be very wary of these people as their real purpose is to suck the life out of you, leave you feeling defeated and hopeless. When their claws come out of hiding, their viciousness knows no bounds. Suicide of others seems something that would make such a narcissist feel most powerful…the ultimate "accomplishment."
Personally I know I need to set stronger boundaries with narcs, and I'm in the process of doing so. It allows me enough perspective to see this as really sad. The idea that the narc learns all these things about the 'Turkish farmer', only to forget them the minute he tells him, is just tragic. Obviously symptomatic of deep wounding and a profound lack of a sense of self.
Narcissists are very much revisionist historians – meaning they only remember the times where they were good. They will often twist events to their benefit.
The trouble is when the victim is the child and the narcissist is the parent and assumably the other parent lives with the family. Then, the narcissist can always out-vote and overpower the victim through the control of their spouse. The spouse usually does not see the horror of the narcissist and usually takes the side of the narcissist.
I have experienced this in a mild form. My N would often say, "We did this." Or "Remember when….". I was never a part of these memories but by that stage when things were really falling apart for them, I had come to the conclusion there was nothing to be gained by correcting them. I often wonder who the memories referred to if anyone.
Sam, this is off the topic of this particular video. First thankyou so much for posting these very imformative videos. If they've made as much an impact on other people then I'll say that you have helped thousands and hopefully millions of people put things in better perspective and thus drastically reduced their anxiety level as you have done for me. For me as I think for others who have suffered perhaps their entire life as a "codependant" or source of narcissistic supply for one or more people, a big reason why they continue is that fundamentally they start out as empathetic people. The narcissist(s) in their life consume all their attention because unknowingly they assume that the narcissist is also empathetic, after all they appear to be fully human and humans have empathy. It is easy for the source of narcissistic supply as a caring person to get stuck and wonder why the narcissist is flat out distorting, negating, denying any form of self sacrifice that the codependant offers. I was stumped on this for as long as I could remember until my present age of 50. After viewing your videos my anxiety about wondering what it is I can do about "fixing" a narcisissist is greatly dimininished or gone, now I'm perfectly at ease with the idea of treating the narcissist with as much shallowness as they treat me and keeping my distance. So thank you, i have made more progress watching your videos in 2 weeks than I have made in 20 years.
I have a question for you, are you expressing remorse based on empathy when you post all these wonderful videos, somehow making up for possible ill-treatment of others close to you as a way of saying sorry. Very best wishes.