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Red Flag of a Narcissist #24: Never Apologizes
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Actually they do apologize, but not as frequently as they should. However when you do get that once in a blue moon apology its extremely dramatic so you think its sincere.
soooo funny. I always heard the words "i've already apologized…i'm sorry i didn't say it the way you wanted me to". I'd say "well, try doing it this way…" to which the answer was "i've already apologized, i'm not saying i'm sorry anymore"
exasperating
I hadn't been violent with anyone since my childhood fights with my sisters but in the end, when the narc would keep on bringing me down into depression and anorexia, my heart burning, yelling to him to shut the fuck up, I threw myself at him and started beating him (but I was so skinny he would laugh it off and tell me "go on, beat me, I'll have proof that you're crazy!". Then of course since he was way stronger and healthier than me he would just throw me in a room when he got tired and tell me to calm the fuck down.
Whenever I think about it and even though I hate violence, I feel kinda bad to think that he deserved it. He wasn't traumatized by it at all, but he used it as an excuse to look for other sources of supply and run off on a holiday behind my back. I've never never hated someone so much. This absolute level of coldness.
Some of us that are into the psych field can feign apologies and sincerity.. Its called chameleon behaviour..
Great video!! My ex had the innate ability to some how always make it my fault when he did some bad behavior..they turn it around on you..and you find yourself crazy because you're apologizing for their bad behavior lol nuts I know.
'It's everyone else's fault I do what I do.'
My ex was a pothead. He was fired for going in to work high. Naturally, it was MY fault for making his life SO miserable he had to resort to pot for relief and it was his manager's fault for catching him smoking it in the parking lot.
With my covert narcissist mother and younger brother, I not only never (ever) heard them apologize for anything to anyone, but I also have never heard them express any type of gratitude. If I were to do anything for them, no matter how big or small, I never heard something as simple as, "thanks". Does this behavior fall into the same category as 'never apologizes'?
is there any relation between the beauty and a Narcissist?
I'm not even finished watching this video yet and it totally resonates. He would always tell me "that's a you issue." I got one seemingly genuine apology after knowing him for over seven years. My favorite non-apology was him saying "I'm sorry you overreacted." Ugh he is the worst.
It's crazy. I managed to leave my narc family. A lot of this characteristics fits to my dad. Yet I find these characterictics also in me… Is it normal? I mean I'm aware that I have very weak sense of myself and I tend to drive it from outside. And sometimes I do things only to impress people. It's like carefully choosing clothes or reframing my stories to be more exciting (it's far from lying but it's like prepared…). I don't know it's like my brain is some drama queen. Yet I apologize and I know that I've screwed a couple of times and it was my fault.
Mine I have been going round with now this is the 9th year. He has up and left with no warning several times (5-7?) This last time I got in an accident that could have very well taken my life. When my daughter asked for my stolen possessions back from him as I seen he was messing with this chic he and a friend went to see but he told his friend do not tell me they met her yet he won't tell me the truth so have her! He got all pissed off when he heard about me, or acted like it was the 1st time he heard of my accident, we live in a rural community where Facebook is faster than local news and everybody is connected to everyone somehow thru everyone else, everyone would be idiots to believe he wasn't told before i was released from the hospital. His words were "Why wouldn't she tell me? She is the most stubborn person in the world and I will never understand that logic." Hmmm….all about him still.
So 4 months later he apologizes and makes excuses that he has been trying to think of a way to tell me. Umm, you emailed, wouldn't that have been effective 4 months ago? Anyways, he is sorry but won't discuss any issues because now he has changed and doesn't live in the past and could not go there even if wanted to. Okay, so invalidate me some more in your fake attempt to apologize. What is an apology without changed behavior? To me, another punch in my face same as the last 9 years! Changed? OBVIOUSLY NOT! Now he is back to ignoring my responses. Okay Bye Again!!! Guess it was a lie that you have always and will always love me because you have no idea what love is.
Thank you for your validation thru these videos. I would have probably killed myself by now if I didn't have YouTube. They love to make you crazy!
Oh My goodness, you have described the very behavior I received from my current spouse who I am divorcing. She's flipped a lid, so I am sure she's doing everything she can to ruin me.
I remember what my ex would do when I caught him cheating… "Well, well, well…. Ummm… Why were you looking at my phone??? You obviously don't care about my privacy or anyone's privacy. Those messages are private." Really… You are missing the point here. LOL
omg, the 'we' thing really hit home. thank you
they think you should apologize even when your right.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" ~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drives me bonkers.
Also "If you could just get over this and let it go, we could get back to it being good" "Ok, then, apologize" "You just need to let it go" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RAAAAWR!!! So glad to be OUT…. but still thinking about it drives me crazy!
You are amazing!!!!
It took me a while to figure out that my ex-girlfriend never apologized, or owe up to any of her mistakes. Whenever I thought I had her cornered she'd effortlessly slid out of it, twisted the entire story, deflected any responsibility on her end, and then ultimately re-shifts the focus on me.
Mine brought home a woman telling me that she was having an affair with him. He didn't say anything while she talked to me. I didn't believe her at all. In the end the woman left…when she left, he went and found her a taxi. Afterwards he told me that she was crazy. My narcissist was so kind that he claimed he visited this 'crazy' woman at the hospital. I bought his story 100% and didn't even ask about it for years. Recently when we were having an argument, I asked him for the name of the woman who came to our house and claimed that they had an affair. He couldn't remember……I find that very hard to believe unless he has many women to have affairs with…..
THANK YOU for this video!!! I had him say "hey, yeah! totally understandable that you feel that way" instead of "i'm sorry" and he never apologized for anything that he did. I honestly wasn't sure if he was a narcissist because he hasn't hoovered, plus it was only a short-term thing. He'd laugh at me at weird moments, hide insults in compliments, and then asked "what's wrong" after I made a face he called himself extremely hot front of me. I was obsessive, and felt like I was honestly crazy. And I felt so much rage after I stopped seeing him. I thought I was a narcissist after meeting him. Thank you so much, again!
This actually made me laugh with relief, because "I'm sorry you feel that way" was a catch phrase of one of my exes!
I have always wondered if narcissism is nature or nurture but looking back over my life and seeing how attitudes have changes there is definitely more self importance around these days. I watch parent idolise their children and not teach their children responsibility for their own behaviour. What do you think?
My ex wife called cops and I was behind bars for 24 hour because she thought I will hit her during an argument. I let her call the cops because I cannot stop her physically in that state of mind. She did it again for the second time & my daughter told the cops that I was simply TALKING to her. The cops asked me if it's the first time she did this to me and I said yes although it isn't. But I left her for good after that incident. She Never apologized & she didn't even bothered to beg me to stay. She instead supported my decision. She once laid down mid road while the cars are coming to make me freak out & look bad in the street. Basically these type wants to make you look bad while they covertly damage your inner hardwire. I became Christian recently & I am learning to forgive them in my heart but from a Distance. It's pointless to dwell in hate & forgiveness releases you from that yoke.
On my birthday, my ex-narc took me to a concert. She asked me if I wanted a drink from the bar, and I said not now and then I didn't see her for an hour and a half. I was very worried she was hurt or god forbid abducted, but I also had fears she was cheating on me as she had cheated on me before. Well, she returned an hour and a half later and just right before I was going to leave – she was falling over drunk, which was not uncommon for her as she would get so drunk she would fall down and have black outs. She confirmed my fears and was proud to brag about meeting two guys who invited her to the front row and she had been flirting with them. When I confronted her with my concerns and feelings of abandonment the next morning, she became extremely defensive and yelled "I AM NOT APOLOGIZING!!!!" Well, I guess I should be expecting a lot more of that behavior, I thought. It was all just another day in the life of a narcissist.
Mars are very good at getting you into an emotional state, this makes it easier to manipulate you and into a more delusional state (Lots of cognitive dissonance). It makes it hard for you to use logic to see the patterns, etc. Real love takes time to grow as trust is built over a year or two. Narcs always have an agenda and have to act quickly as experience has taught them that people catch onto them within 6 months or so, especially people with a good sense of self and boundaries. Or they cannot maintain the mask with the target.
know narcs, all are very, very stingy and try to manipulate others to give them money or pay for their food while out in restaurant's or diners. never apologize even when they caught in a lie. doing wrong, all of them love to talk … talk… talk… never listen. can't have an interactive conversation with them. terrible to be around them I gave up.
are narcissist always questioning the other person and calling them a liar because I think this guy is self projecting on to me by calling me a liar
he says he was sorry @the begning but then?!?!
nope!
I say I'm sorry allll the time!
if I bring to his attention what he is doing wrong….
he says "u throw thighs in my face and will NOT address his wrongs.
I'm sorry..
Exception that proves the rule. I was stuck at a social engagement with a NARC for an entire day. He kept screwing things up (Intentionality I know now) and then drawing attentions to it by apologizing 7 zillion times. The I'm sorry kept getting more and more and more annoying. It even shifted into a weird I'm SOOOOOOOOORYYY. I told him to stop and that it was really annoying and he kept doing it with this bizarre egg sucked dog look. I've treated him like a leper ever since. He tried intimidating me. That didn't work I responded with mockery and indifference. Two years later he's finally stopped trying to suck energy out of me. I was nice to him ONE TIME! ONE TIME! YEARS AGO! Then he kept begging attention for years afterward. So freaky.
"You're the one who left me home alone for a week while you ran off to Europe. What do you expect? "
So true. After my ex gf cheated on me, what I heard from her was something like: "I'm sorry that you didn't find the strength and will to forgive me." ;)
First, I really like your videos. Thank you for informing us about all of these signs, and they have been giving me perspective on what has been going on in my life. About this video in particular, I can definitely say that my department manager fits into this. I believe that he is an overt narcissist, especially since he displays a lot of the red flags you have talked about such as having a big ego. When I call him out on his behavior many times in the past, he would either apologize, threaten to involve management to make me out to be the problem person or try to weasel his way to not get upper management involved. Either way, he goes right back to displaying his obnoxious, arrogant behavior which annoys everyone else.
I have watched most of your videos on narcissism, and they are SO true.. Wow. I think I was engaged to 2 of these "people" and now, I am married and have been for over 11 yrs.. to a covert narcissist.. SO painful.. Our first 2 years were really pretty nice. He was charming, funny, kind, never angry, affectionate. generous. etc etc… Then, he started to change. He was getting very nit picky , angry about nothing, .. and was just giving me no attention, affection , or any kind of physical or emotional attention. I found out he was cheating for almost 3 yrs.. and ,that's why he was acting like that.. But, he cried and begged me to stay and said he didn't know why he did that .. He really loves ME.. blah blah blah…. Well, we were ok. for a while. he was being kinda affectionate again.. and sorta loving …but NO sex.. bc HE said his medication made him impotent! So, understanding me.. was like., "oh. ok. well… that's ok.. as long as we can cuddle and still be affectionate with each other.. I am ok with that.".. That went on for about 5 months… when, the whole thing started ,over again… No affection, no cuddles, sitting away from me, and giving his little dog kisses and holding her and telling her he loves her. No" I love yous" for me, though. Crazy.. and so hurtful. So, that is where I am now… again, and I do not know what to do.. I really think he must be cheating again.. I said something to him about that.. and he said.. "like when? when would I have time to cheat on you..? Believe me, one woman is enough for me….No, MORE than enough for me. " He has never said he was sorry at all, either.. never.. Ok, well, now.. all of a sudden ,he has been getting angry over trivial things, again,. and saying he" is going to leave., so I better get my stuff ready to go". Mind you, we bought this little house TOGETHER, my name is on the mortgage! So, what should I do? I have been crying until I feel sick, and feel so empty and worthless.. I am trying to look at it on the bright side.. If he does leave, then he can't hurt me anymore.. but it hurts SO much NOW… Thanks so much, Dana.. So much good information.. I am going to re watch these.. Love ya. <3 . Btw, you look so much like Victoria Principal ,when she was younger. I kept trying to figure out who you remind me of.. and I finally did.. :)