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Red Flag of a Narcissist #44: Huge Hypocrite
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My narc said he was a man of contradictions, a paradox, a man with many sides…like it was supposed to be quirky and funny and a good thing !!! Expect the unexpected !!! What he really is is a hypocrite and a liar. He presents as one thing but is really the opposite. He said I was lucky to get to see the real him that nobody else has ever seen. He allowed me to see the real him as I am so important to him. I fell for it…hook, line and sinker. I saw he was a liar, a cheater, a pervert with a sick mind…and I was happy to see this (that is, have it thrown in my face) as it showed how much he trusted me. Argh. Now it's hard to type it without shaking my head at the memory. 2 months no contact. Life is (getting) good :-)
Ex narc would give me shit about smoking cigarettes, to the point of it causing fights about how I don't love myself, etc. Then he met friends that smoked and he was all about it. When I questioned him why he picked up smoking, he said "because I like it, I don't need your judgement when you smoke" it wasn't judgement it was confusion. Then once he became a smoker he didn't care I did. You just can't reason or please narcs. They are so exhausting. Once he stole over $2k from our savings, which he lied about for years finally came clean like it was no big deal and he said "didn't you steal from target when you were 15" as if it was the same thing or justified.
Oh yeah, they have a set of rules for YOU and another for themselves….
yes transparency is always a big issue in dysfunctional relationships. Every Narcissistic person i met has been like this. I myself has always been fully transparent and my partner not. a big problem!
"manipulationship" lol. perfect.
Thank you, Dana, for being here. I have learned a lot. I still have a hard time dealing with my blindness to their faults and all the time I wasted in my life caring and loving my ex. That brings me down a lot. I feel like such a fool.
I wish that there were a way to get righteous revenge on a hypocrite who used you as a scapegoat and expose them so that they can't do it to others in the future. I guess that the desire for revenge is just another way that these people influence us even when we want them out of our lives.
YES! He was really in to Rick Warren and the message he preaches. But he never would live according to it it was always: hey that is something for you and watch that video it will help our marriage ……
But the day I left him he put an add on parship, moved into his next girlfriends house in 2 month time.
My 9 year old said : He always said we have to go to church ect……but mom you are still married to him why does he live in sin??? well there is your double standard!
For a non professional, your videos are always spot on, Dana. The real question is how much more pain is one prepared to endure. My x narc pretended to be the king of morality, a holier-than-though if there ever was one. I heard lectures on how husbands should be treating their wives, yet behind my back he'd tell his x girlfriend that he's bored of having sex with me and that i demand sex 3 times a day! He was almost impotent, of course. He'd tell another female friend that I'm using him as an atm machine at a time when I was jobless and had to rely on borrowing from family and friends to live because he hardly gave me any money…then he'd come and tell me that that same friend is a whore who is running after him! But of course, I was shouted at for being an hour late and called "not being marriage material"! It was this very rude awakening that kept me reeling for MONTHS! The realization that he's the biggest unethical hypocrite that has ever lived kept kept me frozen, I just couldn't believe that he of all people who do this to me. Of course, no supply led to more degradation and devaluing. It was only when my therapist asked me this question "how much more pain are you willing to endure?" when it finally dawned on me that I have lost myself trying to save a relationship that never existed. Everyone has a pain threshold, I just hope a lot more others get out sooner. I've subscribed to many forums and blogs and was shocked to see marriages to a narc that last 15 years all with the recipient is none the wiser. I thank God every single day for not getting fooled that long.
their the biggest hypocrites another red flag
Spot on video series! You're absolutely right here. Even if you learn how to tolerate a narcissist, you will still be miserable in the long run. It's far better to just walk away. Victims have to understand that dealing with these selfish people is detrimental to their own mental health.
FYI – Red Flag of a Narcissist videos 1 through 31 have no audio.
Thank you!
'manipulationship'…haha! funniest thing I have heard all day!
'manipulationship'…haha! funniest thing I have heard all day!
Thank you for this. It made a lot of sense.
Dana thank you for all these videos. Whenever I go through a low period where I'm missing my ex narc and hurting over being cheated on and discarded I watch your videos to remind me I'm not alone or crazy and that I did in fact have a narcissist in my life. He definitely had double standards, told me he needed to be the only guy in my life and yet had multiple women "friends" including the one he discarded me for. Would cancel plans with me last minute but I was always supposed to be available for him and supposed to make him feel special but when it came to my needs it was always "I'm doing the best I can, should I let you go to go find happiness?"
I watched the entire series. it was insightful. I was able to identify some of these tendencies in myself. thanks for taking the time :)
i mean a network sponsored talk show…YOU DESERVE IT
great job Dana. Get a show.
is the mindset set that believes ,"your money is our money and my money is just that….my money" an example of hypocrisy? if so then please let me know.
Dana, I've just gone thru your entire red flag series and I'm really blown away. Thank you so much and you all of the viewers comments as well. Enlightening.
I am a gay male and I have ended a 3 year relationship with my narc in June, after moving him in for a year. I suspected from the start something was wrong, but overlooked all of the red flags cuz he was so sexy, smart and charming. He was a 'fallen' Wall Street C-level executive, who is not even really gay, but played me to move in with me , use my garage for his Porsche and golf clubs and have me take care of him on many levels. He barely worked, traveled a lot to ski and mostly played golf and tennis while looking for consulting gigs, which never seemed to pan out.
He used a fake name for 2 years and reluctantly gave me his actual name 3 days before he moved in when I required him to show me his drivers license and insurance papers to use my garage. his excuse for withholding this was telling me he was the victim of identity theft years before.
In retrospect, I understand why he was so reluctant to reveal his true identity, as Im a pretty sharp engineer and he must;ve known I would dig up info on him , which I did.
Sorry for the long post, but the net of it is that I kicked him out to keep my sanity and move on. Our last fone conversation in August, he told me he was moving back to NY to accept a job offer. Predictably, shortly after that, I accidentally saw him with another gay man, walking very cozy together and he did not acknowledge me and looked away. I started to google him since then and found quite a lot about his past that validates a lot of what I suspected and what your vlog is about.
My issue now is that I can't stop obsessing about him.. hoping I do bump into him again, and secretly want him back. I know this is counter to everything we are talking about as far as recovery from narc abuse, but I cant seem to shake it. I've been in therapy and recovery from codependency for several years, but this last one with him was a real doozy.
I'd love to share more about this and get feedback from you and others who have experience with this.
Many thanks
dana how does someone get like this…I know there is no cure but what causes a Narcissist
Watched 4 times..why??
That's how much validation I need.
One of those days…
Great video, Dana. I personally think the hypocritical aspect of narcissists is one of the worst and most infuriating traits they have. For the last three years, when it was my narcissist's birthday, I would do what normal people do: I would get him a card and really thoughtful gift, and I did that because it made me happy to do so. When my birthday rolled around, nothing; he would not even acknowledge the existence of my birthday. My birthday is in about a week. I know that I'm going to feel hurt next week when he does nothing and acts like he doesn't even know it's my birthday. I've decided that I will do the same when his birthday rolls around next year, but it's baffled me how someone could act so appreciative of a friend celebrating his birthday, and then turn around and totally not care about the other person's birthday. Even though I know he's the one with the problem, and even though I am blessed to have other amazing people in my life who honor and celebrate my birthday, it still stings when this narc does this to me. It feels like he's saying to me, "Your existence is non-existent to me." Thank you also for the new word I learned from you today; it's awesome: "Manipulation-ship" I love it, love it, love it. It says it so well.
The hypocrisy I experience is that the N. will come at family members with hostility or anger but when we react with anger back he flips into Mr. calm Buda and tells me how hurt he is when I come at him with anger. In the future I will simply tell him first that I am hurt by his bullying and anger; However, the last time he got in my face, puffed out his chest and in a hostile angry loud tone (not screaming) declared I had done X and would not allow me to say anything period. He would simply interrupt me if I tried to correct his extreme perception or give my point of view, he would simply restate his declaration of what he declared I had done if I tried to make it a conversation. When he used to tell me how hurt he was by my anger I used to explain that I was coming at him like that because he had just come at me that way. No way can he get in his mind any of his action at the same time he is focusing on making sure I understand how hurt he is. I think he needs to feel loved and he seems to find emotional help, somewhat, as anyone would be, if I hug him and let him know I hear him, that it hurts him when I come at him with anger. I do love him, he is my twin brother and I hate to see him hurting, emotional hurt can be really powerful. So aside from being afraid of his anger sometimes, I usually let his extreme perceptions go when he is in a mental state of upset. It is just his opinion, I can let him have his and go live my life realizing I can't change him. The one time we went to counseling as a family he went because I needed help, not because he was anyway involved. It was very helpful, he could not hear me but he was able to hear the counselor. I do love him, I cherish the moments we have actually had a two way conversation. This came about when he was talking about something and I realized it fit exactly with something I had been trying to tell him for sometime but this time it was his story about someone else so he seemed to accept briefly the idea that what I had been talking about earlier did have merit because he just said he had tried to explain that to someone else. I try to realize this is shame based personality disorder but sometimes the inconsistency and unreasonableness does feel personal and really hurt. I feel sad for me and him. Even though he is extremely intelligent I have to realize that sometimes he might give good advice and others he might not. He seems to give good feedback to my sister who is 5 years older than we are but tends to devalue me and what I have. I really don't think he likes doing this. He makes assumptions about things and gets very angry over little things without checking out to see if his assumptions are correct. Also, he gets angry later when the circumstances are completely gone, without ever bothering to say in a calm way what he does not like, when adjustments could have been made. Although he is very intelligent, if he does not like something I get ranting letters that dance around the issues he is mad about in such a way that I can't tell what he is actually saying. I have in the past just thought this letters were writing when he was drunk, as he used to call me and want to talk when he was drunk, quite friendly and kink, but I found disconcerting. I do wonder what he would do if I ever did that to him, called him drunk, because what I have to say sober, he views as pretty much worthless. There is a lot of information coming out about the microbiome (gut bacteria) now. I will tell you the underlying anger and hostility that seemed pretty constant for sometime seemed to leave when he went on a candida diet and treatment. Nystatin, no grains, low carb etc. He seemed internally actually happy and reasonable. There is some solid research that gluten can cause anger as can food sensitivities and allergies (they are different antibody reactions). There were times he was on antibiotics as a young person and his microbiome could have changed. Fecal transplants are now looking promising for many things, diabetes, MS, autism, etc. The scary thing is that this neurological disorder does not allow the person suffering from seeing they have a problem. He was not this way as a child. I am not saying that people with NPD can't or won't benefit from counseling but I am saying there might be a physiological component or components to this disorder also. I have hope and frustration because I am likely the last person he would listen to and the research on this is likely years away.
Dear dana..how do i calm my ego down by a narcissist leaving me. I know i should be happy be is out of my life but my ego is crushed.
His hypocrisy has been a huge part of my resentment like a red flag to a bull…
Many of your videos have been so spot-on for me about my husband, and this one especially hits home! Thank you for your clear, concise way of articulating these experiences for all of us. "Manipulationship" is a perfect description!
Thank you Dana!!
Like this one.
I had avoided the line in the sand by taking total responsibility for the context we wound up living in. We chose to live on a farm, to support our large animals the thing we had most in common. He said we had to grow the feed and therefore purchase the equipment for him to drive or get rid of the critters that contributed to my reluctance to leave.
I worked the land did all the physical walking and isolated myself until I went to church – the great rebellion as I began to understand it was viewed.
The line in the sand was based on the health of the animals and all hell broke out when I challenged his understanding of the handling of their care. It made no difference to his life but he opposed a change even in the face of advice from people we hired to help with their maintenance. I took a stand for the health of the horses and suddenly I was the bad guy. yuk
He was always right and I was not. Not true in fact but in his eyes
For me, cheating is the ultimate betrayal, and a deal breaker. When someone cheats, it's not a mistake, it's a decision to disrespect your partner. In example #2, I think the lady needs to get mad at herself. So many times, I hear women whining about their mate not changing and being unfair, and I wonder if these women are chained to the floor. Maybe mentally.
This is my life. I have said it before and will say it again, this is the biggest biggest red flag. I have been shamed for years for my sexual past even though he has a history of more sexual partners than me. It goes without saying that I could not go out or hang out but he can, I could never have a fb account but he has had one for 10 yrs then i find out hes being shady on there and I am supposed to get over it. Its the past. Even boils down to the kids. I get off at 11 pm but it was always expected to get up to bring them to school even when he didnt have a job and do homework and baths while he did nothing. Been gone 10 weeks and hes still asking me to forgive and forget and he can fix himself without therapy.
OMG. SO TRUE!!!!!!!! Frustrated me to no end, until I just had to let it go. There's no explaining things to a narcissist. Their reality is rarely reality. I've learned so much watching your channel (and Beverly Banov Brown's channel, too). Thank you!!
I caught myself saying all the time… Why is it o.k. for you and not o.k. for me? I hate that you had to go through what all you did Dana, but sure am thankful for all of your videos! They've helped me TREMENDOUSLY!!! ♥
number 1. had a record ,maybe a felon. i agree this is so true.
This was so triggering but SO good to hear and have this affirmed. I had a boss that was like this. Put up with it for over 2 years. What you described is her completely. Along w/ many other narc things, she would shame and write ppl up for something and then turn around and do the same thing herself. I didnt know what a narcissist was at the time or that i was dealing with one. I decided to call her out on her problematic behavior eventually, thinking it would fix things. Big mistake. All that did was have me placed under heavy scrutiny and she made me out to be the villain and accused me of things she was actually doing. She had no remorse for her behavior, she refused to apologize for anything and denied most of it. My repressed anger for her treating me the way she had been and not only refusing to acknowledge and apologize, but actually getting away with her behavior, eventually started to come out. And when it did, she used it to villify me and get me fired. She plays innocent victim so well that no one would ever believe me if i told them the things i see in her and what she does to people. I didnt know there was a name for monsters like her. Im still dealing with the trauma and get really angry about it sometimes because it's really hard to get over the fact that she got away with the abuse and is still very likely doing it to someone else. But it's good to know that i wasnt imagining things and that she got rid of me only because i was on to her and she was at risk of exposure, not because i was the problem.
They may want you to have a better/more ethical life than themselves. They are perfectionist and expect kids to be perfect and hide their own imperfections with a false self. Open/honest/respect…means a person is relating…a relationship. Many people want sex only and think that is a relationship. They want to be compatible with sex and not the rest…don't care if it is a short term relationship. They may have high ideals to impress others and are a perfectionist, but can't live up to their own standard. They expect you to do what they can't do. Thanks!
Manipulation-ship …. nice.
Ha – um, yes.
3:38 'openness, honesty and respect…with out those, there is no relationship…' THANK YOU, TY, TY, I am not crazy believing that those are reasonable expectations when dealing with people, especially family. I love your video's in the narcissism series. Thank you for making them, they are a wonderful reinforcement: "I am not crazy" and "I am not alone". Light and love to all and Dana. Thank you, I needed to hear this right now.
No openess, no honesty, no respect = No relationship! And, that's a wrap!
My ex Narc admitted and is proud of being a hypocrite. He's so grandiose that he thinks whatever traits he possesses are awesome.
thank you Dana,
YUP! The good old Double standard!! What was good for the goose, was NOT good for the lowly gander! LOL….When I brought these contradictions to his attention, I was the one who got "in trouble"……thanks for the video, Dana…..I love your work here on YouTube. I really appreciate all the information and kindness you bring to this online community!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Personally, hypocrisy is the single greatest cause for anger against narcissists. The idea that they want you to do as they say, not as they do is infuriating. At work, I had a narcissist call me out for not respecting the client's wishes while complaining about having too many meetings (the meeting frequency was the client's idea). Numerous other hypocritical remarks were published in our debrief meeting. But instead of remaining calm (and long before I connected the dots to narcissism as his problem), I let my anger get the best of me. It's not easy to have a conversation with someone who speaks in "beliefs" rather than "facts."