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Want to Know WHY you are dating a Narcissist?
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One observation I make is that now a days since many single women are having hard time dating often times they do feel lonely and unloved. The covert narcissist that I date sees that opportunity and reaches out to those women to get their love and affections. Those women will worship or think highly of these men who shower them with a lot of attention and they come off as prince charming. They will be overly attentive and seems like a "great catch" by volunteering, serving at communities and helping out friends. It's hard to find "hard" evidence that they are covert narcissists since they can always turn their story around and unless you know them at a personal level you won't be able to smell the "crazy" until its too late. Friends who know them will always say very positive things or even defend their actions and think you just "miscommunicate" or "misunderstood" each other…It's insidious and dangerous as women will believe anything when they are desperate.
Surrounding yourself with a good network of friends (if you don't -make out you do), this puts off a good share of narcissists (not all but quite a few) in the first instance, because as well as honing in on personal vulnerabilities, if they know you're pretty isolated they know you won't have much of a support network or much of an escape route for when they start their fuckery, so this in the first instance makes you an attractive target!X xx
So, so, so, so true.
This woman is my HERO mind mastery good luck, I too seem to always attract these people into my life, I'm trying to develop an aura to repell these monsters, am watching all these ladies videos as she REALLY REALLY knows what she's talking about, it's very self empowering to listen and learn from this woman, I wish I'd discovered her YEARS ago
Like you, its love, mine is also acceptance as well. I do trust that this information will help me down the road. Thank you, is all I can say. I know I'm not crazy.
Dam love bombing narcissist!!!
They are sooo hard to break away from.
Whenever I am targeted, I have learned to do something loving for myself that keeps me away from them.
I'm still attracting them one after the other… I have to stop and I haven't figured out how yet. What do you do?
I agree, we are all vulnerable in some way. Stay conscious of that as you procede thru this life. I love your videos because you come from a place of strength and not from the victim mentality : )))
I think that for me was a gift from god now. Was what I needed to learn. Cause I thought and still think that people are good and have good intentions. It was my lesson. How it happenned to me,and please don't judge. I was in a 3 year relationship with a guy, we were most time best friends, and that was kinda all in the end. And I saw this guy at my university, he looked straight into my eyes, it was strange, but I said " Awkward" and never thought about it. In 2 years I never saw him before, even though the number of students was small. After that I saw him once again, and thought " Look, that guy" and never thought about him. And then after a while I had a dream about this guy. And Then the whole nightmare started. I wondered "why do I dream about this guy? " I become obssessed with him. I went to the curch and prayed to get him out of my had. This happenned for 2 months. After that I told my boyfriend, look "i am obssessed with this guy" we tried to make it work but it was done. I then contacted my ex narc, and the play started.In the biginnning I saw all the red flags, I knew he wasn't good, and I still choose to play along. He was giving me so much attention and so many things that i've craved from my parents and from my ex ex. He was this prince in shinning armour. After 2 months it was a disaster. Hoovering, insults, and then praise, crying, apologizing about how he can't hold something good in his life. And even though I had strong principles he easily washed my brain and after a year and a half I was a ruin. I coouldn't still let him go, I knew it was something wrong, I knew I wasn;t happy with him, I knew he was verbally and emotionally abusive, and still I was so hooked I could not do it. So, not me…So much power they have, that they make you powerless, a slave. Finally, he dumped me. Than, he contacted me. He was desperate to coome at me again, and he loved me again. I said No. And our final see, cause we had a long distance relationship, I met him, I ignored him, he came after me at the train station, and told me the same lies, he even had those lies writen in the telephone. I had a brilliant moment instead of getting hoooked and believing him of saying "let me act like him. Let me do the game that he s doing" He freeked out. The point is that I trully believ this is a gift, god wanted me to get these lessons , to heal my wounds and have a happy life, and not the sharade I had. There are a lot to say about this. At least, I did learned to take care of what I eat and to do sports from him. He is a somatic covert narcissist. Even though all was a lie, I've learned so much about me and about the fat that these people do exist. I am thankful.
It's so interesting that you felt so ignored and unloved when you radiate such tremendous amounts of love from you….perhaps the trick is to turn it inward instead of out.
Hi Dana…your channel and website/forum are wonderful and a real resource for information on Narcissistic behaviour and how that feels to us…thank you. May I, however, beg to disagree with you on one count? I believe we all select either actively or passively (ie by initiation or complicity) who we interact with, respond to and relate to. I'm not at all saying we choose our partners consciously! Quite the opposite, but my point is that both sides are doing the choosing unconsciously in order to meet our deep and unconscious needs/expectations. I believe that the illness of the true Narcissist is as unconscious and bewildering to them as our acceptance of their bad behaviour is to us.
I also believe its too easy and tempting for us to confuse nasty, greedy, selfish, mean, dishonest or manipulative traits and behaviours (which we all regrettably do tiny bits of at some points in our lives and which we've all been offended by) with the dangerous and damaging behaviour traits of the same name that define the Narcissist's character. Because most non-cluster B people can recognise if we've behaved selfishly, meanly or disrespectfully, then reflect, apologise and resolve not to do it again, (we can cope with our shame and use it to improve ourselves), we falsely believe that a Narcissist can CHOOSE to do this or CHOOSE not to, and that in choosing to, he or she show themselves to be motivated by cynical, evil, manipulative purposes…sorry but I do not believe they have that much insight into their own motives! No more than I (as a Codependent participant in an ugly relationship) was choosing to suffer!!
I believe they cannot bear their imperfections/humanity/reality as they have been taught this probably by dysfunctional parents or due to some unbearable trauma, so when as growing children and adults they err and are shamed, they cannot bear this shame and self-disgust ensues, so the pattern of projections, denial and isolation is born. You can see how it all comes about if you look at it like this. It makes perfect sense to me at least. They are broken emotionally in a permanent way and to have insight would be unbearable, such is the hate they would feel, they would be consumed by it and sometimes are. Yuch! Who would be one if they had a choice! Their behaviour is a survival mechanism based on utter self-loathing, which as a human, I feel nothing but pity for.
Narcissistic injury, according to, for example, Sam Vaknin and many scholars/ medics who describe it, is pure agony & intensely stressful and this is why they avoid it like the plague by resorting to henious behaviours with passively complicit (vulnerable) partners/kids/co-workers to guarantee it, and sometimes driven to suicide by it. If they had any choice in whether to be a Narcissist or not, I believe they would choose not to be, because by all reports, it's a dark and insufferable place…and probably incurable for true NPD
My point is that I firmly believe its a game of two halves…we who end up with a chain of Narcissists have gaping holes in our self-esteem (so I agree they are attracted to our Neediness) but I don't think they prey consciously. I don't consciously seek to have my esteem gaps filled, I just seek a nice dude and I believe they THINK they are seeking a nice partner, but then operate as only a sick Narcissistic person can. We oblige by operating as only a source of supply can, using our people-pleasing (often Codependent) false self esteem-giving compliance, then whatdoyouknow…we're hooked.
So really I agree with almost everything you say (and you say it so well) but I so don't agree that they have insight. They have the blind, driving, compulsive need of any addict. For me the danger of focussing on them too long as an evil perpetrator, is that it implicitly victimises us. For me, Pia Mellody's explanation of how it is that adults get to become Codependent, or have Codependent (people-pleasing, self-depricatimg or self-denying ways) is the absolute key to mastering one's ability to recover and thrive. Please please watch her lectures on Cliff Brodsky's channel. They are old and the sound is sometimes poor, but they are bursting with simple and enlightening truths about how we are in the position we're in.
I personally deny and reject Victim staus, although I was (and still am to an extent) Vulnerable…not the same thing!!!And on behalf of all sick and pitiful Narcissists, I offer Desperate rather than Demon status
Also, I think the Narcissists are getting just a little too much focus and fame online…how like them, huh? But we can only change our own behaviour, thinking and functionality and experiences, never theirs, so it's time to 'Grey Rock' the very CONCEPT of Narcissism nurture ourselves.
Feel free to argue this point! Much gratitude for all your great work xx
Yes, it's all come back to this.
Seeking out(unknowingly) negative people to recreate the trauma.
The last Narc was the messenger that has helped me to address this once and for all.
I understand it and can now move on and grow.
Thank you!
So very thoughtful & thanks.
1: Nurturing .2: nurturing-sharing-equality 3: Nope 4: Love at at a very deep universal level, but not at a functional real-time level. So yes .Filling a "familiar" void left over from childhood. So I agree with those 4 points.
RE: victims versus people with vulnerabilities. agreed. Its like a water leak guided by gravity.It finds the path of least resistance. That is the Narc. finding the person. I hope that analogy works.
Hi Dana, I went through hell with these crazy narcisists,,,I am terrified of getting involved….and it seems like I am only attracted to this type….I at least understand why, but, now I just feel like the only people that want me are users…what do I do????
My empty bucket (insecurity from childhood) is definitely never feeling good enough. I grew up in a happy, non-abusive home, but my mom has never been very good about giving compliments or saying thank you. Whenever I accomplished something, I wasn't told "good job" or given much acknowledgment. I was told instead what I could have done better or what I needed to do next. So I've spent my entire life trying to exceed unattainable expectations, and this has translated into my relationships with men, a handful of which have been highly manipulative, problematic, or narcissistic. I always try to "fix" people/relationships (that often cannot BE fixed) & when I can't (b/c I realize now it really has nothing to do with me), I wind up thinking its because I'm just not good enough. This is something I struggle with.
Thanks, Dana, so much for your channel. The videos bring me a lot of clarity and peace and validation, which i have needed in my life recently. I just joined your website support forum as well. Thank you for making the effort to share your insights with us.
OMG this was the most helpful video ever! Its good to see it this way. Knowing your vulnerabilities and then making sure no guy tries to take advantage of them. My vulnerability is definitely being ignored. Hate it. But now that I know I hate being ignored, it makes me not hate it so much. Plus, I truly believe the state of your life is a reflection of your state of mind. So if I tell myself, I'm not being ignored, then I won't feel like I am. I dated many scorpio guys lol manipulators if they're insecure. The last scorpio guy I dated, he did the idealize, devalue, and discard thing and i knew exactly what he was doing. hahahaa yay!
This helped a lot. Thank you.
Great video.
Like you, my vulnerability lies in getting a lot of attention, but it's from having narcissistic and purposely neglectful parents. Different cause, but same result. Thank you for doing what you do… You're literally a life saver! <3
I lived through a decade long marriage to a toxic narcissist who demonstrated a lot of the characteristics of the adults in my family of origin. Of all the red flags he flew, the one that was most telling and most early on was his antisocial sexual acting out. He is a minister. And he is a sex/porn addict. Not long into our relationship, he confessed to me something he did with a woman he barely knew in a public place. He blamed it all on her, even saying that she sexually assaulted him! I can tell you that the "ick" factor was red-lining in my flight meter. I knew I should pay attention to this confession. To what he was saying, to what he did, to why he was telling me about it. To what it said about what kind of man, parent and minister he was. But my co-dependent, fixer, ego-damaged, lonely self took over and instead of saying "ummm…..I have a stomach ache so it's time for you to leave (and not come back), I pretended to be a strong, empathetic, non-judgmental, forgiving and, let's face it, equally sinful Christian woman and let it slide. I knew if I didn't, he would walk and that would be that. I would be 50 and alone again and never find such a handsome, educated, worldly and charming guy again in my one-horse town. C'mon- when you come from the kind of abusive childhood I do and you feel pretty freakin broken yourself, you are pretty sure no solid, normal or decent guy would want you. These days, baggage plus wrinkles signals a death knell for divorced single- parent women. At least he had SOME pretty cool things going for him. Yup….that was the first red flag. There were so many others; he had his own personal semaphore language of red flags. With every new signal, I got more stressed and more confused. I even broke up with him but he hoovered me back. And the evening he proposed, do you think I looked at him and said "are you outta your mind? Not if you were the last man on earth!" Hell no! Ten years later, after I lost everything to suit him and his needs, I was finally able to overcome his power and my weakness and divorce his nasty ass. I am here to tell you that whatever looks too good to be true IS. I am here to tell you that the first time your bullshit meter pings, you better walk away. I am here to tell you that narcissists will catfish you to see how vulnerable you are and if you smell like a pushover, you can count on being knocked down. I am here to tell you that a narcissist only values one thing and it isn't anyone else. Don't hold on to hope for change except that you must change so that you can cut that person loose. And finally, I am here to tell you that it is better to be alone than to be buried under the tonnage of a narcissist whose void can't be filled by you or anyone else. I had a fantastic therapist and good friends who put up with my sorry ass through the whole thing. I owe them big time. If you are hooked up with a narcissist, get some local support. There are people who will help you work through things. Journal. Think. Plan. Do whatever you have to do to leave. You won't be sorry.
WOW! When you described yourself, I feel like you are describing me as well. I feel as though I was so deprived and abandoned all of my childhood and teenage life. love bombing makes me feel loved. Thank you for revealing this to me!
I think self respect and wish to keep my virginity for someone whos not just about sex and that body vessel? saved me from lots of males who were just about that or were trying to trick me like do for me things they know I dreamed about like poems etc but it was quite obvious its just fasade? They didnt hide it so much. Poems were pathetic and copied from the internet haha ; If girl is desperaid and lack self love self respect she will go for sth like that. maybe
Excellent videos and channel – thanks so much.
answering your questions-is the best possible beginning, for me to tell-why a "way out there" narcissist-I ALLOWED IN MY LIFE:
to # 1: even at the early age of 3-i had concluded-that their agenda-with one another-was worth be played on the Stage…so that i observed rather than absorbed!-and for my survival's sake-it seemed to me-these were temporary interlopers-who where better-than-unfeeling manekins-made to look like human beings!
# 2-it is difficult for me-to define "love"-because its' definition-goes-in some many direction!-i, however, having to describe, as to understand the constant changes-have decided-NOT to participate in such tomfoolery.
# 3-i believe, i will increasingly-not succumb to the word love-TOO BETRAYED-i believe IT IS!!!
# 4-AH, YES; That "VOID"AS YOU CALL IT-I NEED NOT ANOTHER HUMAN CREATURE TO FULFILL IT!!! I have become hyper vigilant NOW-because i am determine: WHO NEEDS SUCH CHAOS AND SO MUCH WASTED TIME-WHEN I WORK AT MY CRAFT???
WELL, DEAR DANA, I'LL NO LONGER INVEST PRECIOUS TIME-IN LOVE'S LUNACY!!!
AND-I'M DOING SO MUCH AS PROOF!-LOVE TO ME-MEANS ONLY: A TRAVESTY!!!!!
Great video,Dana good luck with all!)
The narcissistic and his now girlfreind live 2 mins way and are laughing at me
Great video.Very informative. It was an "ahha" moment. Thanks!
This was was helpful to explain why I fell so hard in the love bombing stage. I was struggling financially as well and my ex splurged on me in the beginning which made me feel that I didn't have to be the one spending on them all the time. I also noticed that all the women I fell in love with, left their "horrible" husbands or boyfriends "for me", making me feel "special".
I’ve been watching your videos for a while and I’m of kind drawn to say that the majority of people are either narcissists or victims, very few have independent and critical thinking. And those who think independently, who seek equality in a relationship find themselves alone, which is my case. I don’t want to depend on anyone, and I don’t want anyone to depend on me, financially and emotionally. I want an equal.
I was listening to this video and it simply struck me on why most men are scared of me, and why some psycho women persecute me, that’s because I don’t show vulnerability. If I start a relationship with a guy, they all of a sudden they say they feel insecure with me. I have been told many times by people (girls) that they admire my strength, and guys say that I am attractive that they don’t believe or understand why I don’t have anyone in my life…. La la la, stuff like that, and sometimes it annoys me that sort of talk. But on the other hand, I attract a lot of parasitic people, girls and boys, or the so-called vulnerables, I simply run away from these people, because they are emotional vampires, they suck the life out of you, they drain all your energy and it’s never enough for them.
I remember a few years back, I was asked by a friend what I was seeking in a relationship, and I said “equality”, I don’t want to be taken care of, and don’t want to take care of anyone. Unless it is strictly necessary, that is, in difficult times or in sickness. I consider myself a loyal friend, I help expecting nothing in return, but then this characteristic, attracts a lot of parasitic people and I’ve been taken advantage of too many times. So I have a policy now, and that’s what I tell my son; I am good to those who are good to me, and avoid those who are manipulative and that take advantage of my goodness. The thing is: there are very few good people, unfortunately.
Thank your for the videos. It helps us to think and compare situations we've been into.
Wow. This video hit home for me. I never got attention or affection from my parents growing up. Hence I have that desire to be seen by others, and to get affection from men. Thanks so much for this!