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Red Flag of a Narcissist #11: Status Oriented
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My ex drove a BMW and had a beautiful house, but was over $70,000 in debt for other things. He said he was going to have to sell his house. I didn't fall for his sob story. Thank God. It was over not long after that.
my husband would tell me "that's below my station" lol
Red flag you will keep attracting narcissists #1: you only date guys who drive high status, foreign cars…
His status object was a attractive, smart, accomplished woman. I was just an accessory for him, as are all the other women he snares.
he hear the word "ex" I feel your are over thinking that aspect.
Very interesting…your description of a cerebral narcissist has been my experience with family too. My younger brother would listen to my every word very intensely and then try to finish my sentences continually…and then remind me that what I was saying is "old news" and that he already knows all about that, even though it was also quite clear that he knew nothing about what I was just saying :-).
well lets see….. white Mercedes, 99% all white clothes, 99% all white home ( no shit ), Gucci handbag, country club membership, designer clothes, jewelry that screamed Im a hooker, omnipotent attitude, on the Nazi control board of condo association, imported furniture & vases reset to different position on mantel & tables every freakin night till i was ready to throw them thru the window, show up grandiose to meetings to be noticed, triangulate me with all the supply mules waiting in wings, projection of every f**ked up thing she was…on me, only give support to charitable causes to elevate self publicly while wearing see thru clothes ( at 52! yech. ) etc. etc. etc. Then there was that little head shake thing while looking in mirror as if to verify to herself that she's "all that & more". Mirror mirror on the door who's dressed up to look like a whore. Not trying to be graphic, just accurate. All wrapped up in in cheapest, self centered, massive entitlement, emotionally manipulating, egotistical, degrading & humiliating person I have ever known. Yep… pretty sure shes status oriented…
My N, is hard to tell if she is status oriented. She was staying with a friend and all her stuff got stolen, and she hit rock bottom due to some issues (they all have their stories), so when I met her she didn't have possessions, and even now isn't after name brand or high-end stuff. She seems content just having clothes that fit, she isn't particular on the look or brand. She has SO many N traits though (been in this 2 years), and I am really testing alot of these things with her as I just found out about N 3 days ago, as I just had to google some of her behaviors and ran across N, which she has probably 60% of the behaviors of. Mine just might be a case of circumstance though, not sure. I gave her an ultimatum last night in an email though (basically saying either your words need to match your actions, or lets move on…as we had a little fight yesterday). If she had any negative reaction to the truth, I was going to dump her this morning (truth), but she was like read your email and you were right, I will start doing what I say. I am still testing to see an Immediate change, but I haven't been able to fully crack this N just yet to prove to myself.
I have no relationship with my sisters and my relationship with parents are not the same, very strained because of my soon to be ex-husband's triangulation. Also upsetting because you think your siblings and parents know you better and would not take his side – wrong. It got to the point where I was edgy and irritable when we were out together with family due to condescending remarks and behaviors.
How about my ex who said they were doing a Masters and even said it on radio. The radio interviewers included him as an "expert" in the topic; they were praising him and he reacted saying, "yes, well, I am pursuing a Masters in ___ (name of field), but I don't believe that doing grad studies makes you better than anyone else. I'm humble". Then, when they interjected that "our Prof obviously knows more about _______ (name of field) than we do", he said, "yes, I know more, but I'm just a person". I couldn't believe my ears. I knew he had no expertise in that area and was doing no Masters at all.
My ex is status oriented, but his status addiction was different than any I have heard of so far. I will keep watching to see if you have ever touched on anything like this. His status orientated behavior was wrapped up in hearing prophesies about himself and making sure as many people as possible knows about them. He posts them on facebook and plays them for everyone who will listen. He goes to one prophetic conference after another, always seeking for a prophet to give him a word about what wonderful things God was going to do through him. The more people at the conference, the better he liked it. He adores it when they single him out of an enormous crowd and give him a prophesy over a microphone which is booming out over the crowd. It is his drug. He wants to be known by the prophets as having a special gift from God. The more well known the prophet is, the bigger high it is for him.
Another red flag ! He has hit every one…He had a race car and before he left…for the last time, he told me about a new woman he met that had a race type car he was very interested in…..And of course he has been going to therapy for over 15 years -2 of them so he knows everything about psychology. And 3 of his 6 children won't have anything to do with him…He was married 7 times !!! Another red flag.
their status is demon
My ex narc used my career, education and other traits as the apple to dangle before his next victim's eyes. In other words if he rejected someone like me, he must be a real catch! This is despite the fact that I found him repulsive after seeing him for what he was. Also he threw in the triangulation element so that nothing I said had any credibility with the new victim because I just wanted him or so she thought and she had him. Really sad……. I now know how to perform background checks through public court documents on line. They really tell the story!!! I can now see restraining orders, landlord tenant matters, criminal matters, financial matters. you name it. I recommend that each member of the group try conducting a background check and save yourself a ton of grief. This is in line with the red flag about their low regard for laws and rules. Thanks Dana you're a doll!! Hugs everyone!!
I had a relative of mine who's youngest child had grown up to 4 or 5 years old and my son was 2 or 3. This relative, who had been quiet dismissive of me over many years (my feeling at the time), offered these close to new Osh Kosh children clothing. Two big garbage bags full. I was like, (feeling guilty about having the bad vibe about her) and very grateful for their generosity. My wife at the time was like "Oh no, that is fine", the cousins was having the look of are you kidding me they are great and you want me to throw them out (My wife is very poor in reading / picking / gauging up on other people and their intentions). Anyway I just said, "Sure, thank you very much it is really appreciated", and I was as it seemed like the relationship between us was good and it was a very generous offer (Hey, youngest in the family, 2nd hand cloths is normal to me, no shame there).
Moving forward about 10 years and finally I grow a backbone and say no to the wife on her plan. Shit hit the fan, had no idea what was going on, did not know the difference between my head and my ass. Nothing I did was right, trying to come to a compromise did not work. Only her way was the correct way. Months of hell. She brought up having to wear 2nd hand cloths and our son wearing 2nd hand cloths and how demeaning that is, that I should be ashamed of myself and how much of a failure I am. And that was just one example, but it was one where I remember very well the history and how she tried to rewrite it (Now that is a Narc red flag, they re-write history "So they are ….. (fill in the blank with Victim / Hero / etc.)"
What a messed up psychological flaw CN is.
My gf of three years, who I finally gave the boot for being a textbook CN case months ago, meets and exceeds all parameters for this schism.
Every single trait you have spelled out here in these videos, she has displayed on a regular or quasi-regular basis. Wow! I knew she was not right in the head but I didn't believe it was as serious as it truly was in terms of permanent "UN-fixable" character flaws. Nonetheless, I gave it my best shot and failed.
The hyper-sexuality and mirroring hit the nails right on the heads when describing her behavior. She is into some weird shit and tried to get me involved but I am only mildly kinky so I refused the choking and torture and weird stuff etc. etc. lol No 50 shades of grey here! She showed some really disturbing behavior near the end that actually triggered my permanent departure from that scene that I won't discuss here.
She was constantly bemoaning her poor financial state, yet made absolutely stupid purchased when she did have disposable income. Poor money managing choices always, and always in a state of crisis in her home. I stopped giving her money about a year into it when I figured things were heading downhill in terms of my respect for her.
I figured out she was lieing about almost everything because in the last year of seeing her, she would lie about something and when I would call her on the lies after catching her in them, she would actually try to twist her lies back onto me. Extremely bizarre behaviour.
I still feel a sort of remorse knowing that she will probably die alone and deservedly so! Most predators do.
Thanks for putting up this very informative series. 😀 It has been a great help to me and to many others as it seems in further understanding these nonredeemable people!
Like the Dave Groehl of the Foo Fighters said in "Monkey wrench" …."1 in 10!"
My abuser, niece, I believe gave up her virginity (the great rite) for lineage papers for her Wiccan religion. This gives her status in with her real family, her wiccan family, she also abused her uncle, me, to guard her 'oath bound secrets' which increases her status in the religion. I wonder if that qualifies as "Status oriented" in terms of her narcissism. Yes I do know the Wiccan's having sex with their initiates is immoral and illegal because is an abuse of power inflicted upon a spiritually and emotionally vulnerable person, which is why Wiccan's Oathbound everything they do. (not all wiccan's are like this, some are very open and honest and share everything they do and say, those wiccans are great people. The liars are not good people at all).
OMG. My ex husband through me under the bus to date an older woman who allowed him to drive a 14 yr old 2 seat mercedes. Our marriage ended. I was devastated.
Again, thank you. This series is really helping me deal with a man who is almost all of these things from every video. He led a double life, told me he loved me for two years. When he still didn't tell people, I broke up with him, even though we were both very much still in love (or so I thought). He slept with me a month ago, and I just found out he got married two weeks ago. Piece of shit. These are helping me. If only more people knew, a lot of heartache could be avoided.
hey thanks 4 the vids could you kindly do some on female narcissists in relationships? just really hard to accept and deal with esp for guys as you can understand. help / support is next to none if any due to social norms and even male egos abit not wanting to show weakness etc…but yea thatd be great if you could . thankyou again.
My narcissist was looking for "street cred". Or maybe I just dreamed that.
This series sounds so much like my husband, especially #11. He does seem to be better in some ways after going through the court ordered anger management and the beginning of divorce proceedings, but he also got visitation with the kids. He threatened to take rat poison if I didn't go back to him at the time I dropped off the kids. I had an order of protection against him at that time, but I couldn't see him hurt and went back to him. He knows I'm serious that I won't take his extremes and he has held back, but sometimes it tries to sneak back in. The status symbol in him, however, has never left.
I'm going to join your support group and search for others that feel right. You've given me and many others the encouragement to keep learning and growing as survivors not perpetual victims, thank you again.
This much I know: true self growth hurts but fortifies like no other.
You're very good at what you do and I'm sure your aware of the amount of individuals on Youtube that deal with narc abuse and what appears to be becoming an epidemic these days. Your light and easy charm (in the best sense of the word), and simple delivery makes your vids easy to sit through and I very much appreciate the effort you put into enlightening those who've been blindsided as I have by the cunning skill of these confidence crushers. I've learned so much from yours and others experiences.
I really thought I was loosing it this time last year when my soon to be ex husband began the devaluation process one month into our 7 month marriage. 9 out of ten red flags you've listed apply like contact paper to him. I unfortunately was not on my game when signing the documents for the house I bought 4 months before we married, he was the real estate agent for the transaction and put himself on the sales agreement as joint tenant with rights of survivorship, the closing documents where mailed to us as we hadn't yet relocated to the city where I bought the home and the title company put the information he put on the agreement. He said sign here, here and here…I did and BOOM property grab!.
I've had my share of closings in my 55 yrs and I'm not stupid thought some might think I am for having done this. My guard was down, never would I have ever dreamt he'd do something so devious. Furthermore during the marriage he also embezzled 16K from an LLC account that he was listed as manager on.
Things devolved pretty rapidly with this text book covert narc. I felt trapped, alone, desperate. It all came to a head last year when he bought 2 guns, one for each of us on my CC of course as with every thing else. I'm not a big gun person myself and when he brought them into the house I had an immediate come to Jesus with him, I told him if he ever attempted to scare or threatening me with those guns we where DONE, FINISHED! Knowing his propensity to fly into a rage over absolutely nothing coupled with his poor impulse control I knew my days where numbered.
Sure enough on the SECOND DAY that those gun where in his possession he attempted to throw a loaded pistol at me while I was seated at the dinning room table. I ran out of the house and never returned. Of course he went into overdrive mask fully removed, he called the police said I tried to throw the gun at him, he attempting to have me Baker Acted as he claimed I was suicidal and on drugs, went to get an injunction to keep me out of the house, started a smear campaign to my neighbors, family, friends defaming me when and where-ever he could and then filed for divorce, all this within a couple days.
I'm now fighting to keep my home and have racked up 50K in legal fees to do so, his attorney took him on pro bono because he claimed to be indigent. My life has been a living hell, all told between supporting him, the money he stole and my legal fees I've gone through 100K for a marriage that lasted 7 months, this was all my savings I'm not a rich man.
These people destroy lives and are evil incarnate. I pray that I will feel whole again one day, right now I feel numb and disconnected from the life I once led.
Again thank you for doing what you do. Peace
Mine subscribes to probably 20 or 30 magazines, overspends, is always looking at nice watches in magazines, always looked at and coveted expensive cars. Is obsessed with his facebook status – uses the kids as a photo op for him to get praise for being a good dad while at home he does very little.
THE #1 SIGN A PERSON IS NOT A NARCISSIST—they are not breathing
I think I was preyed on because of my assets. My narc was broke. But had these stories of how someone broke into his house and stole everything he had and he lost his job. But then mentioned he had this great job in the past and he had all these luxury cars. Total BS!!! Con-Artist
My ex is status oriented but not about a Rolex or foreign car. He wanted people to associate him with winning sports teams, winning candidates, and well-respected high-tech companies he worked for. And he had the curious attribute of assuming that if he owned something it either retained all its value or increased in value.
Such extended bloviation,
Is well below the station,
Of one so wise about the world.
Best put it in a blog in
Which I can simply log in,
And thus avoid your "ME!" unfurled.
See, I'd rather Face your Book,
Than get tired of your look,
And the smirky way your lip is curled.
Though if what I hear you say,
Is what they call hearsay,
Then go back to being nuts, dear
Squirrel.
My husband is very much the type that likes to show off.
Video #11 is 11:11 minutes long. Kind of cool. Anyway, I once bought a newish Subaru Forester, and the next day a Walmart bicycle for my young son. I was leaning against the new car, watching my son ride his bike in the grass (trying to spin the back wheel). My neighbor came over and said; "I see you bought some new wheels", referring to the Subaru. I agreed, and said it seems to be going real well. I told him you can even do a spin out if you push it hard enough. Told him it seemed to be balanced real well. We went back and forth for a while, before we realized that I was talking about the bike, not the car. It was a funny moment, but I also realized what is truly most important to me.
I've had enough exposure to status oriented narcs, (and sadly was impressed by this type of talk when I was younger), that now when I meet someone new and they start trying to impress me with anything about their life…I run the other way!
Everything John Rocha – even underwear and socks.
My psycho – narc was absolutely status – obsessed, but not in the same materialistic way as your #2. He was an architect and a painter (and considers himself a gifted writer as well, lol). He never, ever let people forget about his 'ultra-prestigious job', naturally, knew more than his bosses, and denigrated the work of other architects and artists ( famous as well as not) all the time – behind their backs, of course – pointing out to me how far superior his work was to theirs. I come from a family of artists and architects, which in hindsight i realize was a huge reason I was drawn to him in the first place. Once the bragging started, it was a real turn-off to me; i really should have listened to my gut and fled at that point. Anyway, he, in turn, had done very little overseas traveling and spoke no foreign languages, yet was fascinated by people who had those skills and that experience. I was raised and educated overseas, so he thought it was very 'high-status' of me to be multilingual (I'm a French translator/ interpreter and also speak German). The initial 'love-bombing' he showered upon me was certainly flattering, but honestly overwhelming. Like your #2, he was in a 'loveless' marriage when we met, and said he had only stayed because of an illness his wife had battled (another weird coincidence! ) This video has shed so much light on how that relationship began and evolved ! We had several mutual friends and knew each other for a couple of years before he learned about my background after hearing me speak French with someone at a party one night; suddenly he was smitten ! God, these people are so predictable. And oh, how I wish I had discovered you in the early stages of that relationship ! He definitely felt that my 'international' image enhanced his cerebral status among his peer group. I was a trophy for him in that sense, I guess. Pathetic in retrospect !
New expensive cars are usually bought with the help of a bank and the owners are in their sixties.So if you ask that badass question :"Is it already paid off?" – you are sure on the safe side..
Btw.:what a terrible war on poor narcissists ! Here on you tube!
I always thought that they are people who care for their clothes and look too often in the mirror.
What if two of them meet in the same room ?
Mine exhibited "status oriented" behavior but I just didn't see it as a red flag. When we were picking out china patterns before our wedding he didn't like my choices. He pointed to another pattern saying, "this is our pattern because we need this for the circles we will be running in." I remember thinking, "running in circles doesn't get you anywhere, don't you need to run in a straight line?" LOL.
The guy you dated in between would you like to elaborate why he was a jerk? I guess he was a truthful jerk? Or just lied a tiny amount, not enough to be compulsive?
I noticed in your description of this number two guy for you that you didn't mention his physical attributes and instead focused on personality stuff
What a brutal fashion choice with all ralph lauren polo stuff