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Red Flag of a Narcissist #28: Craves Power and Control
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For my experience, I was the only one working, and paid all the bills (because narcs never want anything to do with adult responsibilities) of course he wanted to control how I spent what was left over, or throw fits if I didn't give him money for video games, pot, or just money in general. Because he was just so bored when I was at work and wanted to do all these ridiculous expensive hobbies. When he decided to leave, he got pissed off I was spending money, and not sending him any, because he was having such a hard time and didn't know when he would eat next. Keep in mind he robbed the entire house of all valuables when I was away. When confronted he said, "I didn't take those things to keep them, I am selling them to survive" Of course, how stupid of me my hard earned money that bought those things where only for him to survive, duh of course. Because a grown "man" couldn't be bothered to find a job. His words for not working "why would I work, when you would make more than me, and I don't deserve to get paid minimum wage, I want at least $30 an hour" He had a GED and huge gaps in all his work history, yet he deserved a CEO position.. They are just fucking insane.
This one is huge for the narc I finally went no contact with. He constantly claimed that I wasn't "putting him first" because I didn't do a musical project with him. Music is my life's work. I actually hired him for every gig I booked myself, & would spend much extra time with him to learn the music because he isn't as trained. I would not have hired him if we weren't lovers, but I thought it was a beautiful expression of shared love, & I want to encourage music in everyone. He confessed to sleeping w/ at least 5 other people in the course of several years (then proposed marriage in the same conversation!) , & I tried to continue communication & a friendly termination of the sexual portion of our relationship. When I'd bring up being hurt by the infidelities, he'd say that he was hurt in the same way by me musically. Music was my career long before I met him. In classic gaslighting tradition, I actually wondered if this was valid. Even through laughter with friends about musically transmitted diseases, I felt guilty. There was sooooooo much more in the realm of power & control. He had free farm labor, permaculture design consulting, household chores, cooking, money from me running AirBnB the whole time. All the while telling me I didn't work enough. He would constantly tell me to do some extra chore that he thought was more important than what I was doing. I "put him first", & in the process lost my music for years. He immediately moved in a new girlfriend (who isn't a musician, so music is obviously not what it was about for him) who he tried to tell me how hard she works, like him. That was the day I went no contact without regret. I am finally out of this toxic mess, & musical work is beginning to pour back in. I am scared because I deal with some physical disability & financial hardship, but I feel much less pain now that I am out of that toxic place. Hopeful that I can regain some sort of solid self generated foundation.
I was made to feel ever so grateful when my ex would give me money. I'm disabled and don't go out often so I do most of my shopping online so I don't carry cash because I don't need it. As much as I protested he'd tell me that he doesn't like it when I don't have money in my purse so I had to accept it. Towards the end of our relationship ha asked for my online banking details "because it's make things easier), why? I didn't want or ask for his because I didn't need them. I think he really wanted to check up on what I was spending and where, no doubt so he could find yet another reason to pick a fight, needless to say I refused. I could write a book about how many ways he tried to control me and my life and in some ways to my regret I let him.
they can't even control themselves
do narcs ever give up? my ex husband still tries to stalk me and my current husband on different fb profiles. he started doing this ever since he found out I was married again.
Here in Korea, the women control the money. Even if the wife works, and even if she makes more money than her husband, the husband is expected culturally to hand over all of his money to his wife. He then goes to her for "pocket money", aka an allowance, so that he can buy lunch or do something recreational. I've talked to men who literally couldn't eat because their wife wouldn't give them enough money. It's the same way in Japan and China. Taking your spouse's money and putting them on an allowance with their own money is abusive.
he rape me in the middle of the night many times he force himself on me when i am sleeping i woke up with him on top of and more, control the money i want out so bad…
He didn't want me to work overnight or weekend. The only time I could work was Monday through Friday 6-2
So I suspect I am a covert narcissist. I carry quite a few traits as you had explained them. Impulsive, everybody either loves, loves, loves me or completely hates me. Flash anger for little stuff. And just 2 days ago, there was the Paris tragedy, someones baby died and my grandpa almost died from a fire; I was completely fine. I wasn't scared, sad, crying. I did care he was alive, but I didn't so much care about his stuff (I'd rather lose 1 billion dollars than my life)
When I'm in a relationship with another woman is when this gets worse. I become neurotically controlling. I try to aggressively change them. And it's a nightmare.
My Father and my best friend are narcissists so in a small way I am a perpetrator and a victim. But that isn't remotely why I contacted. I'm seeking help by learning about these traits I have and potentially have and am trying to… Make better decisions?
you have a comments section full of victims. If you decide not to respond, I do understand. I'm simply reaching out.
The safety plan is amazing when the covert narcissist woman, who already financially abuses you, is encouraged by the state to continue the abuse.
Once again, everything you're describing is my N!! lol. We dated for 2 years, which included me leaving him TWICE, to him convincing me to going to therapy (that was when we had only been dating for SIX MONTHS!!!) etc etc…but fast forward to him leaving me. We actually had a weekend getaway planned to go to a convention in Detroit. That night he just NEVER CAME HOME. shut his phone off and everything!! he was "missing" from 7pm to 11am the next day. when I finally got a hold of him, that's when he dumped me and said he didn't want to be with me anymore and that I, get this, "ruined who he was as a person" and he "fell in love at first sight but once I got to know you I didn't like your personality"…………WHAT?! I was the most loving giving caring responsible person he'd ever been with and he had always made sure to remind me of that…when it served him! now I was nothing? Right. He then took his ex wife/baby mama on the vacation we were suppose to go on (I saw pics on her facebook) and he was just gone. I moved out that day and he never even bothered to ask if I moved out or ANYTHING. 3 months later, he starts to hoover after I had left a comment on facebook on a mutual friends post, after ZERO CONTACT for 3 painful agonizing months.and he has been hoovering, discarding,silent treatment, etc cycle ever since then. were currently in the silent treatment phase yet again, because the last time he tried texting me was at 542am asking me if I wanted to come over to cuddle "if you cant sleep"!! made sure to tell me he JUST GOT HOME from partying at nearly 6am! I was so pissed,hurt,disgusted, that he now treats me like a side chick when I was "the love of his life" for 2 years! so I never replied and he never bothered to text back asking why I didn't answer him. Friday will be 2 weeks silent treatment/no contact.my birthday is in 2 weeks and I can GUARENTEE that I will be hearing from him then.
It's important to note that some men like a more meaty figure. Don't mistake encouragement of diabetes and heart disease with your partner not wanting you to feel guilty about not being the perfect figure. When it comes to body consciousness, women are more intense. Some men understand that proclivity.
Yes…I have known one to fatten up a wife I think. His comments tipped me off to this. Yes…they enjoy that you suffered so they are of more value. N. may get worse in time due to Celiac getting worse with age. He was jealous I was talking to 2 tow truck men that were helping me. He said go gray for my hair…strange comment.
Reminds me of when my soon to be ex narc told me (during initial love bombing phase) that my stomach was too flat and should be a little bigger. Whenever I was at my best and healthiest weight he started telling me I was scrawny….he knows the gig is almost up and last nig suddenly switched on love bombing full throttle. The sudden total switch was so patently contrived that I played along just out of curiosity. Then awhile later mentioned he might want to beef up his skills just a bit more, he's still slightly off the bullseye. Something's can be perfectly faked. He froze at first like a deer in the headlights, then turned innocent looking and confused. When I told him then I knew from the moment he turned it on, I was just playing along. It's not normal to never put in any real effort and suddenly go into overdrive acting like you did when we first met. He said because I love you. I said so then what you didn't love me for the last 3 years and suddenly started again? Normal people don't just switch on and off, black and white. The look in his eyes was scary. He was also giving fake compliments before I called him out telling me how flat my stomach looks. Yea, I just had a baby lol. Bullshit. At least give realistic compliments dude lol
HA…I emailed a few times…i am sorry for my part, i miss you ,having a hard time getting over you, you hurt me..etc. was a bit obsessed for a little..looking for her to make it better
but in a way, it helped in the end…her responses really helped to open my eyes, no kindness, compassion, or feeling at all…
she could not even say she misses me, 2 months later…after 5 years together…'
i did miss her…and when she completely dismissed everything kind i tried to say to her…well..i realized how cold she really was, very hard to understand, but so is geometry…and i got over that!! : )
i am still hurt, but i am getting better, your videos are helping
i know how good life really is
thank you
"fatten you up" since they don't want other people to look at you …
People still find fat people attractive.
Is it possible a narcissist could have a relationship with another narcissist? or there is always this type of abuser-victim ?
I completely agree that narcs rarely change. A lot of them have no awareness that they are narcs at all. They are good at playing the victim & know how to win sympathy over from people who just have no idea what they really are like. They are so good at masking their true colors & they are good at playing people. I worked with someone who came across as very sincere & affable to many people making it seem like she was your best friend & you can tell her anything without any judgment. She was playing on other people's weaknesses & vulnerabilities. She was very calculating & shrewd, and she loved power & control, inflicting drama & chaos within our staff. Many of these narcs get away with their bad behavior because they know how to spot weakness & they know how to manipulate conditions & people.
You're so right!! DON'T try to have a closure with Narcs, it'll never happen, because they don't care about us, like Dana suggested we were just supply to them, if they do care about us, they wouldn't play NPD games on us. Trust me, tried for 9 yrs, never ever succeeded, what I got was him leaving me with guilts & introspections, then he just disappeared. Last time, when I asked him for a proper closure as a good friend, my Narc twisting things around by saying "You (I) don't love me (him) anyway, so why don't you (me) just leave whatever we have had, don't act like it was all my (his) faults". . . This was his manipulative game how he invalidated my feelings and my love for him which made me feel that my love, care, time, passion, emotion, devotion, friendship, honesty for him didn't even mean anything to him, made me feel worthless, and of course leaving me with "Guilt" again !! Thank god, it was in the past, now I just learn to let go and move forward now.
A lot of time, codependence people seek for validation from people around them, now I realise that I don't, and that freed my spirit. If you have been codependence folks like me in the past, please free yourself, don't wait for someone else to do it for you, please don't !!
Dana
Thank you for doing the Red Flag series! I can't express how much they have helped open my eyes on so many levels!
Supply is endorphins from having/getting control, if they cannot get their control they do not get endorphins and go into withdraw just like a drug addict. Supply is not really all them things you were saying but all them things would bring endorphins or supply. Its unreal how sick these people are.
The hard truth. But very true and people need to know it.
Thanks for the videos. Very very helpful. Narcs are tricksters, and have no need fairness or reason. It is amazing to watch one fall from loss of source or health, then recover, and completely resume their narc ways. As hurtful as they are, you would like to believe that they will eventually change. But no, as soon as they have the energy, they continue the destruction of those who are closest to them.
I agree, and I think some of them learn how to become better and more efficient at lying and hiding their behaviour. Not like most people who get caught out on a lie, they learn that honesty is a better way to approach life…but not these people. They learn "Oh,I need to improve at lying then".
Jeez! A letter! That's JUST what I did! A woman I knew in Austin, named Mary, was on the periphery of my life, but she ALMOST snagged me. Almost. We were part of an activist community called Peaceful Streets Project, and Mary would flirt with me, and talk really close to my face. At one time, she'd bought a whole lot of us dinner downtown, which was very nice, but it would seem this gesture of largesse was meant to endear herself. Oh boy! Then I had a debate with her online about a political issue, and she unfriended me for disagreeing with her. I emailed her a letter of disappointment, telling her of my erstwhile admiration for her part in the group, and that if I've got to lie to be her friend, we weren't really friends, etc. Never heard back, but those I kept contact with told me she had proven herself insufferable at times. (Come to think of it, she knew I was a horrible dancer at the time. Normal women would've just cut contact with my lame ass…)
No narcissists can't change because they are incapable of experiencing normal human emotions. There's nothing inside them to grab on to and pull them into the light so to speak.
Can you do a video about the narcissist withholding affection? And the silent treatment? Picking and choosing what they answer when you ask? That's a form of control for sure!
A lot of women who are controlled no longer have friends. Consequently, have nothing else but to risk the bank account info coming to the house of the abuser. Too bad there isnt another alternative.
I think your the first person to mention food! Mine certainly fattened me up, spot on everything you mentioned happened! Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for posting all this information!
Once again, you seem like you are describing typical female behavior which is often encouraged: how many women pass judgement on their partner's clothing choices and social calendar? Most I daresay. lol.
Basically the gist of a lot of your comments seems to be saying that men should not behave like most women do.
Which maybe is quite true! But the minor detail that most women behave in the ways you describe seems to be missing from your analysis.
ACTUAL TIPS IN MANAGING TO ESCAPE YOU ABUSER:
"IF THEY CAN DRIVE YOU TO SUICIDE, EVEN BETTER"
Great video with emphasize on the financial factor to abuse, and how the abuser traps their victims with controlling all the money. One of the biggest factors disabling victims to leave the abuser.
I've recently had a situation where a woman tried to befriend me and felt entitled to my PR/business contacts. She tried to push me out and take over what I was doing and she still tries to contact me even though I ignore her. She played the pity card and asked for money when I first met her and continues begging for money to support her "ministry" in another country even though she has a work visa there.
Very helpful videos. Can you do one about women narcissists/cluster b's who try to befriend other women.
Great video, very articulated. Shared on facebook :-)