In this training segment, Ross Rosenberg explains the early childhood conditions that are responsible for the development of Narcissistic Personality Disorder …
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The Cause of Narcissism. Explaining How & Why They Become a Narcissist. Narcissistic Expert
The problem with this lecture is the same with all of them: generalizations are meaningless. Ross points to simplistic ideas that neglect leads to detachments leads to narcissistic rage, but lots of children grow up neglected, unloved etc and that spurs them to become more loving compassionate people. Finding a cause is a fun parlor game but pointless as there are many unknowns (like brain chemistry). The more practical videos tell how to deal with a difficult person.
I have a child who is Narcissistic. He is an adopted child at the age of 3. He suffered severe neglect, abuse, and unstableness at the hands of his bio parents. We adopted him and his older brother and sister. All three have been diagnosed with Attachment Disorder. He has had talk therapy and family therapy. Now at 23, he is totally unable to have or hold onto a relationship, a job, or anything. He feels every is owed to him. He goes from one co-dependent relationship to another, where he is taken care of and doesn't have to work. He seems very depressed. His latest girlfriend just broke up with him because he gets very angry when things don't go his way. He was raised by us with lots of love, two parents, a stable environment, discipline and natural consequences. However, it doesn't seem to make a difference to him. He keeps making the same mistakes over and over and takes his rage on women (first me and later his girlfriends). He needs help. How can he be helped. He feels ashamed of being adopted and that his own parents could not love him. Thank you.
I wish not upon anyony….
it's as if they make it up as they go along. he gave absolutely no evidence for cause and effect. he is one part salesman, and one part fiction writer
my sister and I…
I just watched your video on the covert narcissist and it 100% describes my father, a minister who people thought walked on water. My mother and siblings knew different as before and after church he was cruel, angry, and always calling us curses. It seems no wonder that my older brother, younger sister, and I are all in relationships with people that I think are emotional manipulators. Just like my father practically denied us as his children and lead a life separate from us, my partner denies that we are together and hides me from practically everyone.. he leads a double life. My heart breaks as I hear this video describe the childhood of the Emotional Manipulator. I realize my parents never showed me how they cared for themselves and I realize that I lack this very thing myself as I live with my partner and get exposed to the drama everyday of denying myself as I always attempt to try and court the favor of my partner by trying to do and say the right thing.. not to get necessarily a good result, but to fend off his ignoring me or hurting me with his words. I am so thankful for your youtube sight where for the first time, I really feel like someone understands what this is all about and perhaps can begin addressing this issue that has severely impacted by life negatively. I knew there was no way to try and win my father's favor.. I am not sure what my mother was if not someone who is a codependent. I always attempted to try and get her love even to the point of rejecting anything having to do with my father, even the subject of being man and growing up to be an adult.. I tried to stay small and sexless, but puberty hit and the sexual thoughts came… I couldn't stop them…. talk about shame.. I always felt like I was headed to hell, but this cemented that thought even more. I remember coming home from elementary school and not finding my mother there, I thought God came and got her and left me behind.. we watched movies about the time period known as the tribulation that described it as hell on earth.. I was so afraid.. my mother would usually come back from the store or have been out back folding clothes and I missed seeing her… she would find me on the doorstep to our house crying. after I hit puberty, I went from shame to hating myself. How to come back from all this???? I am trying.. I got a job working with kids where I observed a lot of toxic behavior and beliefs that contributed to their problems and I learned much about myself.. namely that I hated myself for the longest time and though I can say that I don't hate myself any longer, I still have a ways to go before I can say that I love myself. I could never look into a mirror for the longest times and I don't like my picture taken because I think I look hideous.. but I am trying to educate myself and in recognizing how my narcissist is aggravating my problem because he will make new friends and spend no time with me, I realize that I need to do something in order to take back control over how I feel.. to the extent I can because the toll of being so emotionally reactive is greater than I want to put up with. Again thank you for your wisdom and your videos. I am actually beginning to look for a counselor to help me in healing my self-love deficit..
So essentially the nail that sticks out needs to be hammered down. And while we're at it, let's make money off of other people's misery!
Ross Rosenburg, thank you for this. I have BPD and NPD comorbidity (vulnerable, cerebral, overt) and there needs to be more videos like this out there instead of ones hating on Ns and blaming us for a disorder we didn't choose to have. I'm at college and hope to become a psychologist working with other people with PDs too. This video was very helpful and I hope people can start to see that stigma counts for all mental health conditions, even the ones they can't understand.
I was labeled "problem child",but I'm the good kid. My parents always favore immoral abled-bodied sister over me—the good handicapped kid. I always worked hard despite poor grades stemming from my learning disability—amongst my 3 disabilities. After hearing so many narcissisim videos, I see how one in my shoes would more than likely be immoral. I just don't have it in my to make a career of malice. I value trust and respect. I spent my childhood watching my sister continuously get into trouble. She got 64 spanking in 1978 alone; she was six. Unlike her, I never a diploma and curfew simultaneously. She could have had an ideal life, but is has been in trouble her adulthood; she's 44 and I'm 47. I love my evolution. It was intricate with all these jealous welfare abled-bodies against a handicapped rich kid. My parents knowingly move my sister and me here in 1971 to a ghetto. We have a six-figured house whereas everyone else is from $80K to $95K. Check out Zillow.com
is there a way to contact you directly?
I was the rigid tense child,still am,at thirty nine ,they ask why,we let's see,not just being punished but pushing my inners elf into provoking me to want to do something, anything to gain favor,but when they my parents gain enjoyment from feeding me dogfood,laughing at me, hurting me, and its they're angry,an hurt, so they use me as the WHOOPING POST, THE CHILD THAT GETS ALL THE DAYS AGO AND TODAY'S EVENTS AN EVEN THE PAST AND I AM USED AS A WAY TO GET ALL THAT OUT AN THEY FEEL,GOOD, BETTER,GO TO THERE JOB,FEELING STRESS FREE WHILE ME A YOUNG GIRL ,CARRY THE BURDENS,WITH BRUISES,INSIDE AN OUT
Everybody is different!!!!!!!!
I think mostly the majority of mental problem are both genetic and environmental.
My stepson was a weird kid–always crying and behaving in an anti-social manner. I felt sorry for him, but he grew up to be an NPD and has ruined all of his relationships. He doesn't care as long as he can make money and hire hookers. I always wondered if he was born that way.
From personal experience i say that this is a far too simple analysis. As a golden child I turned into a pathological co dependent. I did not trust adults! I could see how my older scapegoat sibling was abused. all I learnt was how to not be. I had to not be anything like my older sibling! But that created a smokescreen as to who I was. the false nice persona I created was just to survive but I was a shell of a human being until I cleared out the debris and uncovered all my coping skills and defence mechanisms. meanwhile my theoretically more/ worse abused older sibling managed to get away as quickly as possible and created a great life for herself. which one would you suppose stayed married for 36 years? clue: not me as I people pleased my was into increasingly abusive relationships. neither of us thank God are npd. but from your analysis I expect that it eould be my older sister as her childhood was extremely brutal compared to mine…
The narc that I know was adopted (abandoned my mother) and from what I can tell was not abused by her adoptive parents so the above makes sense. She was abused by her adopted sister and I suspect that, that abuse was pretty horrific as that sister was in and out of psychiatric institutions way back in the 60's, suggesting that she was in a bad way. The narc in this situation always felt intimidated by her adopted sister. The narc also struggles with memories from that time and in fact struggles with memories period including not being able to remember dreams. She accuses me of living in the past simply because I can remember the past, including her past as I have known her for 36 years. She is also fascinated by the fact that I easily recall dreams and is pretty dismissive of the level of insight that I have.
I feel understood again. Just like after taking the MBTI test. Thanks.
what do you call a life coach who CONSTANTLY mentions her ex husband and her childhood ? a colleague. I am sorry but your credibility as a professional is questionable as long as you work with this Lisa lady who i concluded is guilty of the crime she claims to be a victim of. I listened to her tapes, she constantly talks about how she was victimised by her parents and her husband, blah blah blah, and what fault is it of mine or of the innocent viewers? Is this life coaching or life kvetzing. it is time therapists and fake healers stop abusing youtube to feed their bank accounts and egos.
If a woman who claims to be therapist constantly mentions her ex husband and her parents abuse then i would conclude she is NOT OVER it, and i wonder why you would collaborate with this clown if you are a trained therapist?
There are so many of those life coaches who claim to know and understand but all they do is TALK about the PAST and offer unprofessional advice like doing exercise to heal depression, what a genius this lady life coach is, sure, you are depressed just run, or exercise, brilliant but depressed people can not think straight, not to mention follow a healthy life style but no one suffering should have to listen to someone complaining about their childhood and of being a victim of narcism when therapists , many of them , are there for the ego feeding and offer no solutions other than feed my ego client, listen to me, i know it all, complain about your past, blame your family and then they actually think it is helpful advice?
My take on this: therapy is bullshit, the only thing that works is yoga , tai chi and not talking about the past constantly with expensive experts and if you are depressed, then a doctor should help with medication so you don't kill yourself, you don't need some narcissistic woman feeding her ego and publishing her shallow books that talk about herself . I know many follow this nonsense but it is still nonsense.
what the hell is a life coach who has nothing to offer?
It seems NPD is common in society. It's all about controlling people. People who want to control other people. Solution is become independent. Can anyone add anymore solutions?
I 100% disagree with this theory. How do you explain out of 3 siblings only one is a text book narc? The same parents of all spent the narcs childhood catering to and cajoling the one child?
What about the use of sophistry and deceptive language techniques?
They don't
Hi Dr. Rosenberg. Is it possible to be both? I don't know if that makes sense, but I listen to both descriptions and a lot of traits fit me..
Narcissists will even re write history to meet the roles that they have created in their minds with regard to their children. example…..the chosen child may be remembered as being the best in sports even though the non chosen child was actually much better. They choose to do this. They are bat shit crazy in that they are living in somewhat of a fantasy world that suits them. They often have children to meet their needs. They can appear to be very nice and genuine to the ones who they have chosen. Very confusing for a child and when you figure mom out as an adult it is very anger inducing for a long time. Sometimes both parents are narcissists. Mutual admiration. The best you can do is accept this and don't depend on them for your self esteem. lol. Imagine the chosen one. They actually end up with problems as well. Because they have been lied to as well. Overinflated opinions of themselves based on too much adulation for nothing by their narcissistic mothers. Then they hit the real world and it is a reality check that they may not be able to navigate as well as the non chosen child.
Narcissists choose who is gonna be the trophy child and who is going to be the scapegoat. They do this because it meets their needs. The child cannot meet the narcissistic parents needs because only the chosen child can do this. The child that is not the chosen child cannot meet the narcissists needs because that is not the role the narcissist has for them. It doesn't matter how much they can figure out how to please the narcissistic parent, only the trophy child is allowed this role. Mary Tyler Moore played this role of the narcissistic mother very well in a movie Ordinary People…I think was the name of it. Her trophy son died and she was left with the other son who was second rate to her.
Dr Ross. I believe they live defense mechanisms to get what they needed as children as never had. They emotionally manipulators because their has been damaged for life. They jealously is rooted from never having what they needed attention for approval, acceptives. They taking what they want because they need to fill an empty life, so when nobody gave what they needed as children they look out for self but not in the elements that was missing in development of personality, so they can only live abnormal as normal, how sad !I believe they know they r sick but can't deal with reality because their is none, how sad for people heartbreaking for me to see in reality, lost lives, destroying others because theirs is. Never to get what they needed from birth, they grave attention reason never got it when needed!
So, the surefire way to get codependent women to love you is to be narcissistic.
I have both a father and mother that are narcissists – why do I feel angry/rage towards them all the time? I've learned a lot and stay away from them as much as possible. But at family occasions, how do I "deal" with them? A burden.. that's so true. For the longest time I felt I was a mistake, or didn't want to be born… I'm still dealing with this: I recently found out it's both parents, and my mother also has bi-polar disorder.. either that or she's been misdiagnosed… Can you misdiagnose bi-polar with narcissism? In my 30's I had all memories come back…. I didn't believe a Dr. I had talked to originally… but wow, he was right!
a narcissist is a dead 6 year old trapped in an adult body
You got me so interested then the video ended so quickly. You are a great orator and I really enjoyed your brief explanation of where NPD comes from.
Its funny how I just come to watch this video…This morning around 7am….My partner came into my bedroom..(..we don't share a bed because I have fibromyalgia and if my partner even so much as bumped into me while sleeping next to me, It would hurt me a lot…The pain and sensitivity are extreme, so I must sleep alone…) anyway he came into my room and I felt his hand on my arm while he was telling me to wake up your having a bad dream…I came around and I was still in shock because of my nightmare. I was dreaming that my father was standing on the stairs and I was standing below him a few steps down on the stairs. The dream started with me being with a beautiful mixed race man that I was in love with back in the 90s (, He also had told me previously in a phone call that he too loved me…this was the first time he had said this to me, I had known him for approximately 18mnts by this time, but I was very shy with him, even though I was 29yrs old at this time in my life…I was so attracted to him. I was scared to let him know because I could not bare the thought that he might not like me back. Anyway…Right now I am a 56yr old woman. I will tell you about the dream as it was so clear and it ran from beginning to the end of the dream like an episode on the tv….I had met this man that I was in love with…His name is Terry, I had brought him to my family home. The next thing that happened was, I was in my fathers bedroom, he was in bed. I said to him( This is all in my dream..just so you know..).." Dad I want to tell you something. He looked up at me from his bed….I said to him…" I have brought the man I am going to marry for you to meet he Is downstairs…He is a mixed race man."…My father jumped from off the bed and snarled at me and said " yeah his fuckin black, that doesn't surprise me."…The next scene from my nightmare was the part where we were both on the stairs. My father standing above me, and I was facing him, looking up at him from my position on the steps below him….He had 2 eating forks in his hand and I also had 2 eating forks in my hand. I felt he was going to stab me with the fork. I was holding my fork ready to defend my self when he knocked the two of them out of my hand…I could see he was about to stab me with the fork in his hand. I began to scream out Terrys name…I remember calling his name a few times…and in my mind I said to myself..Terrry must be out in the back garden, that's why he is not coming to help me…I called his name again…in utter terror as my father was looming over me snarling and aggressive…..That's when my partner was calling my name and telling me to wake up its a bad dream you are having. Well I woke up and I was in shock..My partner told me he could hear me screaming very loudly, he knew what was happening to me as these night mares are quite common for me and I am prone to these desperate dreams and they are often about my father….He actually was a very cruel man and he beat me all through my childhood right up until I left home at 17yrs old….He was an alcoholic violent horrible cruel man…..he died a year ago here in Ireland where I now live…….what would you make off all what I have written here ???………..Thank you….Mary….x
WHAT U SHARED IT 100PERCENT CORRECT! HOW SAD! MY POOR FAMILY WAS ABUSED BY MY DAD BEYOND HUMAN REPAIR! THEY ALL ARE NPD SOME HIGHER LEVEL THAN OTHERS! THEY ARE EMOTIONALLY DEAD !I WAS MIDDLE CHILD WHO WAS BLACKSHEEP AND SCAPEGOAT. I BEEN IN TALK THERAPY FOR ALMOST 15YEARS !IT WORKS ,TALK IT OUT R ACT IT ACT !IM RECOVERY FROM MONTUMENTAL DRAMA, I WAS ALWAYS TODAY HOW STRONG I WAS ,MY SIBLINGS RESENT ME AND HAS PUNISHED ME FROM BEING ABLE TO FEEL, EMPATHY,COMPASSION, REAL CARING WITHOUT A MOTIVE FOR GAIN !MY MOM ALSO DAMAGE ME BY PLAYING FAVORITES, LEAVING ME ALONE TO FIGHT FOR SANITY! OUR HOUSEHOLD WAS LIKE LIVING IN A HAUNTED HOUSE !I TRIED TO GET HELP AS A CHILD FOR US ALL ,POLICE, CHURCH, SCHOOL, NOBODY HEARD MY CRIES ,NOW THE AFTERMATH IS TRAGIC TO EXTREME! MY SIBLINGS OFFSPRINGS ARE NOW NPA ,INCLUDING MY SON !I MARRIED MEN WITH NPD ,BOYFRIENDS ,ASSOCIATION WITH FRIENDS WITH NPD !I FINALLY CANNOT ENABLE THEM ANY LONGER, THEY ALL SCARE OF MY DEEP INSIGHTS, TROUBLE MAKERS!WANT TO BE ACCEPTED AS NORMAL EVEN THOUGH U WILL GET USED! SO SEE HOW TWISTED THEIR MIND IS !ENTITLEMENT IS REASON! THEY ALL USE EACH OTHER, DO TO ONE WHAT U CANNOT DO TO THEM !VERY COMPLEX FOR MANY BUT NOT ME !WHEN U RECOGNIZE THEIR BAD CONDUCT THEY RAGE LIKE AN MAD PERSON IN WHICH THEY ARE. I M ONE OF 15CHILDREN, MIDDLE ONE, I BEEN STUDYING THEIR BEHAVIOR SINCE A CHILD BECAUSE I KNEW NOT UNDERSTAND LIKE I DO NOW THEY WERE ALL SICK !WRITING A BOOK ABOUT ALL THE INSANITY THEY HAVE LIVED OUT, MANY ARE GUILTY OF SOME CRIMINAL ACTIVITY! WELL THEY ALL HAVE SOME DEGREE OF THAT !I FEEL SORRY FOR MY SIBLINGS BECAUSE I SEEN AND EXPERIENCE WHAT THEY SEEN AND THE ABUSE WITH SO EXTREMELY EVIL! THEY ALL PLAY BLAME GAME, WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING, EXCUSES THEM !YOUR CONSCIENCE EITHER ACCUSES U R EXCUSES U !MY POOR SICK FAMILY, NOW THEY HAVE WITHDRAWN FROM ME LABLEING ME AS WHAT THEY ARE! STEAL ,LIES ,CON'S, SEX ADDICTEDS ,MISERS ,JUST PLAIN NO GOOD LIKE MY DAD TOLD US AS CHILDREN, HIS REFLECTION OF SELF! MY LIFE IN DANGER BECAUSE WITH ALL OF DONE ,GOT ON SSI ,ANTI DEPRESSTIVE MEDS ,HAD FEW COMMITTED BY LAW ,ALWAYS WAS TRYING TO SAVE THEM FROM SELF WHEN I COULDN'T SAVE SELF !IM OKAY NOW WHERE THEY ARE THROWING UNDER BUS CONSTANTLY,I DISCONNECTED BUT THEY KEEP TRYING TO SNEAK IN WHERE THEY ONCE LIVE IN MY VULNERABILITIES, ESPECIALLY AFTER THE DEATH OF MY ANGEL !SOME SELF MEDICATE WITH DRUGS ,SO IN REALITY THEY ALL ARE SUFFERING INWARDLY BAD AS SO SAD !FLYING MONKEYS SOME ARE ,COVERT ONES ,VERY DISCREET ,STAYING UNDER RADAR !THE SICKEST ONE IS SO SEVERELY INSANE TO THE MAX .AS CHILDREN THEY HATED AUTHORITY NOW I KNOW WHY ?ALWAYS SCANNING PEOPLE! ITS EVERYWHERE AND I WILL STAY PRAYING FOR THEM ALWAYS BECAUSE MOST CANNOT HELP THEMSELVES AT ALL !GAME UP I SEE THEM ALL AND WOW THEY OUT TO GET ME EVEN MORE THAN WHEN I WASN'T ON TO THEIR GAMES! I GOT DEEP INTO THEIR MINDSET! WELL I KEEP LEARNING FOR ITS EVERYWHERE, NOBODY EXPEMTS FROM THEM AS NOBODY EXPEMTS FROM THIS DISORDER! THANKS FOR CLARITY !
I can't believe I am hearing my life story with my Mother.
OH HOW SAD FOR PEOPLE TO DEVELOP THIS DISORDER R ANY OTHERS! OBVIOUSLY THEY LEARN TO HURT BECAUSE THEY ARE HURTING INWARDING AND WITHOUT! SO PROTECT THEMSELVES IN NEGATIVITY IS HOW THEY SURVIVE! WITHOUT LOVE, NURSHING. THEY LIVE ABNORMAL AS NORMAL! TO GET HERE ONE WOULD HAVE TO FACE THAT INNER PAIN EARLY ON !FACE REALITY IF POSSIBLE! NOBODY WANTS TO SEE SELF IN THAT DARK LONELY PLACE ! IFOR ONE FEEL PITY ,COMPASSION FOR BROKEN PEOPLE! I UNDERSTAND!
You really miss the point that many children REFUSE to please the Narcissistic parent – I was the favorite and knowingly quit – and knowingly bore the consequences. You are saying the targeted kid just hasn't figured it out – rethink.
The problem for the child who pleases, entertains and uses huge energy just to please their parents or make them laugh…. is underneath it all angry even in rage, in deep deep sadness and usually has an obvious eating disorder – that's usually tragically ignored!
part 2… AGAIN WATCH ALONE. Love u.
Excellent