PRO TIP: Covert manipulators often start conversations with: ” I’m concerned about you.” / “I care about you.” / “I’m worried about you.” This type of passive …
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The Covert Narcissist — Passive Aggressive Manipulator
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OMG, so true! My narcissistic mother would always say to me I'm concerned about or you don't seem happy, especially on days when I was feeling great. It felt like an emotional attack every time.
This cracked me up! I love your expressions and passion, it's a total "f you!" to toxicity. I've always hated the passive aggressive attacks, they are so weak because one doesn't even take ownership for attacking another!
i love you girl! awesome job
thanks so much! my ex narc always starded like this one the phone! now i know why!
Or, "I'm only thinking of your good / benefit", and take the altruistic approach is the other side to this. I know the altruistic approach as it has been used on me a lot over the years. So, they fly in under the radar and appear to be a friend with no ill intentions. Again, what you said about a healthy person enquiring about your state first is the key. Sometimes they don't even need to offer an opinion, just an ear and the words to draw you out so you feel better. A good empath knows when they need to listen actively, or be a sounding board and to guide.
A person I enjoyed is Dr George Simon, what he talked about with passive aggressive really helped with some false beliefs I had. The main one being that passive aggressive person is attacking me, it is deliberate and not out of ignorance or and accident. Passive aggressive is so effective because the target becomes actively involved in their own downfall, we tend to think on why this is happening and try to resolve the silent tension.
Again, another great video and appreciated. Like nuggets of gold along the path of ones' life these observations you give. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing,
Great tip. Thanks.
I read a book about personalities once and I said that very thing but worse.. "The first statement a person makes is usually the biggest lie they ever will tell you"!! OMG if that's true.. I am dead meat. Every one I meet says that to me.. I missed you… I think… hmmm (translation ..) I forgot about you. lol
Dang…..this is an informative channel. Short and to the point. I use to think people actually cared about me. What is most important though, is caring about ones self. If that means letting go of some people, so be it.
what I deal with : (
Hey Sacha gret point! But I have to just say, from my exp, when you ask "why are you worried about me?", they reference something you said way before(last from last convo, or a few convo's ago), so it's hard to not give them credit
There you go Sasha , right on the money , I'm no longer worried about you.
Ha!
: )
You are SO Right! There are so many red flags we don't realize when we are in relationships.
Yep ! It's an instant insult, disguised to look like genuine concern. They might as well be saying : hi dickhead, what idiotic things have you been doing ? Why don't you let me tell you what to do, think and feel because you are clearly such an asshole you can't do it RIGHT for yourself ! My mum starts every phone call this way, she likes to make sure I understand that she thinks I'm incompetent and that my decision making is flawed. This is of course because I have made a firm decision to keep minimum contact because she is a destructive, toxic, vindictive narc and I want to keep her shitting on me to an absolute minimum!
"I'm worried about you"…or…."I know how I can help you"…..a good come back, which I did years ago was this: I sent the person who was so worried about me an e-mail. I told her that I only want to be good neighbours with her, but I don't want a friendship. And I told her that I want her to focus on her own life, worry about her own life, and let me worry about my own.
That fixed it. She hates me now, and that's ok.
Good insight here. I always thought it was rude to bring up someone else's problems before they said something first. After all, any decent person will try to make sure there was not an error in communication if the issue involved them. But who other than a covert narc would approach this in a passive aggressive way? Chances are they are the core of the problem in the first place.
Wow you NAILED it!! Every time my N SO said those EXACT words, I knew something was up and I would get anxious. They love to do it when you are feeling perfectly fine or taking steps to heal yourself.
Yes! One family member does this to me all the time. That's how she approaches me. I told her she should be worried about herself and that I can take care of myself. She is the one in an abusive relationship not me. She always projects her stuff onto me. If I'm in a good mood, she'll always try to bring me down and turn other family members against me. Right now I'm no contact with her, she's just too toxic.
Great insight!
Great information, as usual!
I do need to comment though, that those of us raised from birth by professional manipulators may have communication skills that are a little 'off' at times. I, for example, finally went no-contact with mommy dearest at the age of 35. The level of damage done in that amount of time, and the level of hard work needed to reverse all of this, is no picnic. I catch myself all the time approaching situations in ways that could cause me to be misunderstood.
They ask leading questions, not to see how you really are, but to feel you out and to see if you'll open up to whatever's "bothering" you. Or, they'll want something to be wrong with you so that they can feel "superior." They're supposed to be the lucky, healthy, fortunate ones. Nothing's ever supposed to be wrong with THEM. They are the mentally sane, stable ones that just want to patronize you and say, oh, "you poor thing."
Those conversation-ending conversation openers are imho typical trauma bonding. Like you said, they instantly put you on the defensive.
I've found a very elegant way to deal with that is to just ask them "What do you want?" over and over. If done right (i.e. calm but steadfast) it drives them mad because it puts the ball in their court, it puts them on the spot in a way that doesn't divulge any info they can (ab)use against you or use as distraction from being put on the spot.
Covert narcs hate being called on their shit, on their implicit communication by simply being asked that simple and plausible question. Notice how "I'm just worried about you" isn't a valid response to "what do you want?" so I just keep asking "What do you really want?" You'll never have narcs hang up on you that quickly.
Of course, there's a big chance that they'll call you sometime later because this defeat, this resistance will bother them massively. So when they call again, I just ask "Have you calmed down?" Putting them into or very near narc rage like that is of course a bit childish, but it's absolutely delicious once you get the hang of it because of how simple it is.
I believe the guiding light is to always be mindful of the fact that we're dealing with people who stopped emotionally developing around the age of three years old. What would drive a three year-old mad, the kind of kid who keeps asking questions? Well, ask them a question that is semantically simple but impossible for them to answer.
My idea on passive aggressiveness:
– –
Before I knew what I was looking at, I noticed that some people worked on ''scripts'' – and other people could decipher the scripts better than I could, or at least differently than I could. Like, when someone's mother would say: "Well that's not nice" – I would listen and think one thing … But, I'd notice their child (my friend) would understand a completely different meaning.. usually ''shut up, you're not allowed to say that''.
–
These "scripts" always come with emotionally aggressive body language/group reinforcement (all hail the queen/king) – where, in order to pick up on the ''you're not allowed to say/think that'' – – you have to be willing to cooperate with the person that feels they get to control and edit reality.